Since Last May
by aks- s
Summary: What happened between last May and now to make my life so content? [9c/30]
1. 1

**Title:** Since last May

**Author:** Sharon

**Spoilers:** Season Four and before.

**Disclaimers:** Not mine, end of story.

**Archive:** I'm not likely to say no, but please ask.

**Summary: **What happened between last May and now to make my life so content?

**Paring:** Read & take a guess.  If you feel that you can't read ahead without knowing the pairing, feel free to email me.

**Notes:**  A huge thanks to Christine & Julia for being the amazing beta queens that they are.

**Feedback:** Is always appreciated but never expected. 

**Chapter 1  
  
**

***

_January 2003_

***

Inauguration preparations are almost finished, and in any case, I'm not needed to watch over the last minute adjustments.  So, I'm packing up and getting ready to go home.  Donna left hours ago, but who can blame her?  She's run herself ragged, what with working on said preparations, preparing for school, and working her new job title.

Donna was promoted.

Not by me.

After all the promise she showed during the campaign, I would have promoted her, but considering she stopped working for me in May, it really would not have been my place to.  And anyway, Hannah beat me to it.

So now, we've won re-election, and are in our second term.  I'm working in a White House where Donna no longer reports to me - which is actually great by the way - and the entire Senior Staff is getting ready to fight the battles that we chose to ignore in the first term, in favour of making it to the second.

Yeah, so...  Back to Donna not reporting to me, being great...  I know, I never thought I'd hear me say that either.

The reason for this?

Simple, Amy reports to me, and the relationship between them is...  Amy didn't have an opinion in regard to Donna until she started working for us.  The less said about that the better.  Donna reporting to Hannah stops me from being in the middle of any possible disagreements.  That said, Amy likes Hannah less than Donna.  Pretty much because Hannah chooses to place more importance on issues raised by Donna and constantly ignores Amy's input and opinions.

That, and they have a history.

Hannah, by the way, is the campaign manager we hired after things with Bruno were - lets just politely say - not working effectively.  Well, technically, he was doing a good job, however, none of the senior staff felt any confidence in him.  So we made a change.  Bruno's good, but Hannah's better, she's a brilliant strategist, but not only that she works with us: Leo, me, CJ, Toby and Sam.  She got us elected, made it a team effort and Leo hired her as an addition to the Senior Staff, not that there was any doubt he wouldn't.

It took a lot of convincing by Leo to get her to join the campaign.  She took a years' sabbatical from politics, and really just wanted to quit.  But for someone who had been absent from the political scene for a long time, she knew exactly what was going on, where and how, plus she had more favours owed to her than Leo collected in a lifetime.

I first met Hannah when she was about 10, but only really got to know her when Chris started chasing her.  Just for those wondering, yes, that would be my roommate from Harvard.  Also known as Amy's ex.  See the history?  Leo and the President have known her all her life.  The President happens to be her Godfather, although she has a greater bond with Leo.  She sees him as a father figure and he sees her as a daughter.  He has Mallory, but she had always been closer to her mother.  With Hannah he's more paternal, he's closer to her.  For one, he gave her away when she got married to Chris, and was also there when she lost him.  But more than that, she lost her father when she was young and Leo was always there in place of him.  She goes to him for guidance and shares his passions.

Why all this information on Hannah?  Again simple, she is part of this administration and my life now.  I mean, she's always been apart of my life.  But now, she's physically in it and we've never been closer.

Things started with a not-so-simple conversation with Sam - who by the way has known her for about as long as I have, just through different avenues - and ended here.  With me, headache free and on my way home to my beautiful fiancé, seriously loving life.

Seriously.

Although, the fiancé part?  Nobody about that knows yet.

With the exception of Hannah, Leo and The President.

And I still haven't exactly _proposed_ yet.

I kind of need help with the proposing thing, it obviously has to be special and so I'm stuck.  That and the fact that, I'm not sure we're ready for this.  I would normally ask Donna, but for this…  I can't.  I do actually value my life.  Asking Donna for help is like giving CJ an invitation to beat me senseless.

Why?  I don't understand either.

But seriously, loving life, it could not get any better.  Well, yeah it could, for one she could say yes, I could be President and blah, blah, blah.

Seriously.

Loving.

Life.

What happened between last May and now to make my life so content?

TBC…


	2. 2

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1**

**_Previously_**…

What happened between last May and now to make my life so content?

**Chapter 2**

_***   _

_May 2002._

_***_

I'm sitting here in my office trying to remember back to the point where I lost my game.  This year has just been…  I don't even know how to describe it.

CJ.

I have no idea how to reach her. Right now she needs her time alone.  There's something in that relationship that was more than protector and protectee.  By the look of things, Donna knew what, but she won't tell me.  For some reason this has affected her too, but she won't let on how or why.  I can take a guess, but I've been trying to avoid thinking about this whole situation, not because I'm a heartless bastard, but because I couldn't handle it right now.

Today has just been full of…  The welfare screw up took a lot of promises to fix, which led me to screwing over Amy; I wish she hadn't made me do that.  I gave her an out and she didn't take it.

I got her fired.  Crap.  Amy.

What the hell am I supposed to do about that? It should be clear, but it isn't.  _'We should be able to talk about this'…  'Yeah'_…  We should, so why can't we?  I just…  ughhh, I'm frustrated.  I want this to work.  I actually _really_ want this to work, Amy's smart, she's gorgeous, she's…

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on my door.

"Josh?  Hey."  He looks worse than I do.

"What are you still doing here, Sam?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Yeah," I answer absently.  "Have you spoken to CJ?"

"No, she just wants to be left alone for a while.  I actually came here to talk about something else."  He comes in and sits in the visitor's chair before continuing.  "I heard what the President said," he pauses for a second and then with a sigh continues, "And look, I'm sorry, he shouldn't have blamed you for my mistake."

"Look Sam… he was right."  We haven't really talked for a while, so this just seems long overdue.

"He was?"  Sam asks with an incredulous look.

"He's right; it's my job to know how the opposition works and to stop us from falling into their traps.  I knew about what could happen with the tape, but still, I was pre-occupied and so I didn't warn you.  And for that I'm sorry.  I may not be entirely to blame, but it is partly my fault."  Both Sam and I sit here, quietly allowing the words that were just spoken to sink in.  I hadn't really been thinking about this but it made sense.

Oh wait, Sam's talking, I should really be listening to this.

"…Yeah, but you'd think I've been here long enough to know how this world works."

"Yeah."  I finally really look at Sam, and I notice he has that look he gets when he's up to something.  I know about the press thing with Ritchie, but something else is up.  His body language radiates 'I have a secret'.  I should find out what.  "So what are you gonna do?"

I'm thinking I could have phrased that better.

Playing the innocent, Sam answers, "What do you mean?"

Ok, Sam, this is me, Josh.

"K Sam, this is me, Josh, you know, the guy who you've known forever.  We kick ass together, we're friends and above all, kicking ass is so much better when you share the victory.  So spill," I say with a tired grin.

"Ok, so what are you gonna do about Amy?"

"How the hell did Amy come into this conservation?"

Sam just gives me this knowing look that roughly translates into a cross between, 'You are most definitely the biggest idiot there is,' and 'You've got to be kidding me, right?'

See we're friends, good friends, we see these things, hence my knowing he's keeping a secret.  Sam's trying his hand at misdirection, and it just worked.

Ok, not really, since, I know that he's trying to misdirect me.

Still, I ignore the warning bells in my head and answer, "Ok, so Amy."  Letting out a frustrated sigh, I then continue to say, "You know what, I have no idea.  'Us,' is taking too much effort, I know relationships need work, but not this much right?"  That was rhetorical, in case you didn't guess.  "I was stupid. I should have known her reaction.  Hell, I would have done the same thing, it's just that…  I don't know."

And the strange thing is, I really don't.

Or maybe I do, and I just don't want to deal with the truth?

"You care."

"Yeah."  There is that.

Almost as if he's uncomfortable, Sam hesitates a little before finally asking, "Why are you with her?"

Honestly?  I have no idea anymore, but he doesn't know that so…

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Since when do you not understand English?"

Great, he's not going to let this go.

"No seriously, what?"

"And seriously, why are you with her, because last time I looked - or rather, listened - you were not jealous of Donna's dates but still sabotaged them."

NO, no, noooooooooo, no, no, no!  We are not going there.  No.

"Donna has nothing to do with this."

"I didn't say she did, but something happened between you guys and again, why are you with Amy?" he asks with genuine curiosity.

"I do not have, and have not had, feelings for Donna.  And as for Amy, I like being with her.  She… she challenges me and I like spending time with her."

I don't think about Donna when I'm with Amy.

Sam's got that look, he's gonna say something that is a) going to make me hate him and b) keep me up all night.

"So, back to Donna…" Great, why can't he let this go?  "…Considering you don't have feelings for her - in the romantic sense that is - it would be ok for me to ask her out?"  Sam is managing to keep a straight and sincere face, waiting for the reaction he knows I'm going to give.

Only I don't.  I know his game.  I'm better at this, there's a reason I'm the master politician.  Take _that_ Samuel Norman Seaborn.

WAIT.

Did he just say he wants to ask Donna out?  No, that would be, that would be… wrong.  He didn't just say that.

He did.

This conversation just got serious.

"What did you just say?"  He just sits there, with a look that says 'I know you're trying to buy time, and that you're avoiding answering the question, but It's not gonna work.'

Sam has a talent for saying a lot with one look.

There's a long and uncomfortable pause before one of us speaks again.

"She doesn't have those feelings for me."  I didn't just say that.

Oh shit, I did.

I actually do think she has feelings for me.  She doesn't know what they are, and for that matter, neither do I.

I think.

In trying to pre-empt Sam in deciding the nature of this conversation, I've just taken it to a place I did _not_ want it to go.

Following what seems like an eternity - during which, both Sam and I reflect upon my revelation - he finally asks, "What happened Josh?"

After another lengthy pause and a deep sigh, I finally answer, "She had a relationship with someone."  She had feelings for me; Joey said so, and then there was the thing about how she wouldn't stop for red lights, not forgetting the fact that she went way beyond the call of duty in taking care of me after Rosslyn.  She had feelings for me, or at least I thought she did, and she went with someone else, how do you do that?

"So?  You're with Amy." Sam answers with confusion evident on his face.  He doesn't get it.

"No, I mean before Amy."

"Oh… Is she still with him?"

God I hope not.  I'm pretty sure she's still single.  And I really don't want to know otherwise.

"No."

"How do you feel about her?"

"Who?"

"Josh," he says in this, 'I'm serious here,' tone.

I stumble as I try to come up with an honest answer.  "I…  I honestly don't know, I thought I had… but now I…  I just don't know.  And then there's Amy, I know I have feelings for Amy, Donna can't mean that much if Amy's in the picture, right?"  That logic makes sense.  I mean.  I don't really see Donna that way anymore.

I mean, I've never seen Donna that way.

"If you say so."

"Ok, so what does that mean? 'Cause you just lost me there."

"Think about it Josh, Donna's still there with you, day in and day out.  If you had to picture your life without one of those women, who would you chose to leave out?"

Amy.

"That's not fair, Donna's been there for the last five years and Amy has only been there the past five months."

"Please!  Like time is a factor."

Again, I'm lost.

"Okay, Sam?  That thing you do, where you talk in riddles and then you lose me, you just did it there."  I add a smirk for good measure.  I really don't want to be doing this now.  Whatever feelings I had for Donna are… dissipating, and Amy means something dammit.

"Josh, to this day you bitch about the time Donna went back to her ex, and you'd known her for what, a month and a half?  You were a pain in the ass when she left."  Sam finally adds in a serious and meaningful tone, "You missed _her_."

"Yeah," I sigh, scrubbing my hands over my face.  I really did.  It's the reason that I choose to celebrate the day she came back to work for me, rather than the day she actually started.  Those dissipating feelings?  You guessed it, still there.  I'm pretty sure I'd bitch for eternity if Donna ever left me.

I'm also pretty sure that I just said something significant there.

But I'm choosing not to think about it right now.

"Look I don't know what happened.  There's more to this than Donna being with someone else.  But you know what?  Let's forget about Donna for a minute."  Sam pauses a moment, after taking off his glasses and releasing a heavy sigh, he finally says in an exhausted manner, "Josh you're in a relationship with Mandy all over again.  Seriously, is that what you want?"

Amy, Mandy.  Amy, Mandy.  Amy…yeah, I see it, and the answer to that question is a resounding, Hell No.

"No."

"If Amy isn't another Mandy, and you really want this, then go for it.  Make it work.  But if she isn't the One, walk away before it's too late."

She _isn't_ the One.

I have no idea if Donna is, but Amy isn't.  I'm just not ready to give up on this.

"I don't want to be the hit and run guy." 

"Just because you recognise a relationship isn't working doesn't mean you're that guy."

"Yeah…"  I answer absently as I consider what he just said.  It actually makes sense.  "When in the hell did you get so smart about this?"

"You think I'm smart about this?"  He asks disbelievingly.

"Well, yeah?"  I answer, now questioning my previous statement.

"Ok."

Yeah, I'm gonna be up all night.  My reasons for being with Amy have to be separate from Donna.  And Donna?  This relationship with Amy doesn't seem to be bothering her.  

If she had feelings for me, there'd be _some_ kind of reaction, right?

I need to stop thinking about this. 

Hey, he didn't answer my question.  I still have no idea what Sam's planning.  I know he's up to something.  I should ask him.

"Hey, you didn't answer my question." 

"I don't exactly have an answer." 

"You want some help?"

"Not yet.  Anyway, you already have enough to worry about.  Think about what I said, Josh."

"Yeah."

He gets up to leave and he's at the door, standing there weighing if what he has to say is worth it.

"Sam, spill."

"This relationship she had--"

No, definitely not going there, because I handled it so well the first time round.

"No, Sam…"

"No, just listen.  She doesn't know how you felt.  Hell, you still don't know how you felt, correct that, how you feel.  I think, if she did, it wouldn't have happened."

I have nothing to say to that.  Except question if he's right.

"Yeah?"

"Just ask yourself… look…. whoever this guy was, their relationship was enough to cause a problem in yours.  She's not with him, I'm guessing you had something to do with that?"

He's looking for confirmation.  Sorry Samuel, it really wasn't me this time.

"No, circumstances stopped them from seeing each other," I answer smugly.  Why?  I'm not so sure.

"So if whatever happened, didn't happen, they could still be together."

This right here?  This right here is why I did not want to have this conversation.  The smugness?  Gone.  I really do _not_ want to be thinking of her and that… that - 'where's the 760 verbal when you need It' - together.

They could still be together.

If he wasn't forced to read her diary, they could still be together.  At least I don't think she would still date him after that.  But then again, she did say she was seeing a lawyer.

Great.

Thanks Sam, I'm gonna be up all night now.  Like I didn't already have one-hundred-and-one things to think about.

I don't answer, so Sam continues.

"Next time, the circumstances might not stop her and whoever being together.  How are you going to handle that?"  He pauses for a moment waiting for my reaction before saying, "I've got a conference call, so I'm gonna go."

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, he leaves.

I have no idea how I would handle that, but what I do know is that, this is something I'm not going to concentrate on.  My relationship with Amy is rocky, but it has… potential.  I want to see where it could go.  I like her and it's as simple as that.

I don't want to end it simply because of politics.

Oh wait, he's coming back in.

"There was something else."

I really don't want to talk about this anymore, so I say in an exasperated tone, "Sam."

"Don't worry, it's not about your love life, but if you want, we can talk about that some more."  He says this with an evil kind of grin.  Gotta get him back on track.

"No.  What was the something else?"

"Hannah's back, here in the US."

"Yeah?"  Ok, now I'm interested.

"Yeah."

"So you think we should…"

"Yeah, I think we should."

"We'd have to get rid of Bruno, she won't work under him."

"Yeah, and I can see you're really broken up about that.  But seriously, she'd help us kick ass."

"Yeah."  Despite the really bad week we've had, and not to mention that tonight alone has been a roller coaster, we're here at - I look at my watch and work out - one thirty in the morning, (meaning that yesterday was a roller-coaster, semantics) and grinning like idiots during this whole conversation.

Which is not surprising considering we both really like Hannah.

She's sort of a little sister to both of us.  We're both really paternal towards her, even though she never actually needed us to be.  We both tried to protect her when Chris died.  We play big brother with her, although it's not really an act.

Professionally though, the roles are reversed and she often tries to protect us.  The girl - sorry, woman - is extremely politically savvy and you do not want her as an enemy.  Of course…  I taught her everything she knows.

Stop rolling your eyes.

"So, I'm thinking we should talk to Leo and the President.  Now."

"Are they here?"

"Yeah."

"Lets go."__

***

_January_ _2003_

***

_Present_ _Day_

I've just entered my apartment, dropped my backpack and am walking toward the bedroom.  She's in bed, sleeping in a pair of my sweats and a Harvard T-shirt.  Her hair is sprawled all over her face and God she looks beautiful.

I get changed and join her; she instantly molds herself to me, which is something girlfriends always did, but I never fully appreciated it until now.  I get to sleep with her in my arms and wake up with her tomorrow, something we haven't done in a while.

Seriously.

Loving.

Life.

TBC…


	3. 3

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** **in** **part** **1**

**_Previously…_**

"Hannah's back, here in the US."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So you think we should…"

"Yeah, I think we should."

"Yeah."

"So, I'm thinking we should talk to Leo and the president.  Now."

**Chapter** **3**

We're on our way to the Oval when we run into Toby.  Literally.  He does not look happy.  But then again, when does he ever?  I think the happy vibes are radiating off us and Toby just picked up on them.  He's looking at Sam now with this paternal/big brother look.  Gotta file that one away for later, you know, to tease him with.

"What are the idiot twins up to now?"

Sam just shakes his head and laughs out, "He's channelling CJ now."

I simply say, "Idiot twins, Toby?"

"If the shoe fits."

"Very mature.  Are you going home now?"

"Yeah.  What about you?"

"Yeah, but we're gonna meet with Leo first."  If we're going to suggest recruiting Hannah - and effectively change the way the campaign will be run--I should tell Toby, he might want to have some sort of input.

"Actually, you should join us."

"Does this have something to do with the ridiculous grins you both have plastered on your faces?"

I'm about to say something but we reach Leo's office and he does not look happy.  Toby can wait.  As soon as we walk in, without looking up from his papers Leo asks, "What are you still doing here?"

Yeah, he's pissed.

Toby stands by Leo's desk while Sam takes a seat on Leo's couch.  I stand by the door, leaning against its frame.

We've been here for about a minute and neither Sam nor I have said anything.  Leo takes off his glasses, rests the papers he's been reading on his desk, and then finally looks to us for an explanation.

Sam looks at me, giving me my cue to talk to Leo, but this is Sam's discovery, so I signal for him to take the initiative.

"Josh and I think you should hire Hannah."

"She's back?"

"You didn't know?"  I ask with an incredulous tone.  Leo knows where she is all the time; he's one of the few people who do.  And if she were in here in DC, he'd certainly know.

***

By the sound of Josh's tone, he and I are thinking the same thing.  How could Leo not know?  He always, and I mean _always_, knows where she is.  Josh and I are protective of her but that's nothing compared to Leo.  There is no way in hell he would not know.

Leo's look is making it pretty clear that he does not want to be teased, so before Josh can put his foot in it, I think I should talk.

"She was on a the passenger list for United Airlines yesterday, she took a direct flight here, to DC.  So, in answer to your question, yeah, she's back."

Leo just looks at me with this amused face.  Before I can ask what's so funny, Josh starts to talk.

"And we think that you should talk to her."

Leo just lost the amused expression and replaced it with a tired one.  This conversation has taken place over a thousand times, mostly during the first campaign, and then when we took office.

"Josh," Leo says in an exhausted manner, while rubbing the bridge of his nose.

The thing is, Josh and I both tried to convince Hannah to join us, and in a way she did, but not really.  Josh knew that if Leo asked, she would.

Only, Leo didn't.

All I know is that Leo and Hannah have some sort of deal, he won't ask her to work with us and she…  I don't actually know what Leo got in return.

"Look, Leo I know you don't want to ask, but she'd be good.  She'd run this campaign as we would, and still bring a fresh perspective.  She'll work with us, Bruno really doesn't, and because of that he's not doing his job effectively enough."

Josh, you are an idiot.  This is why Leo is now glaring at you.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but Bruno isn't the only one who has been screwing up lately."

Ouch.  He walked into that one.

"Yeah, but he hasn't done anything to help fix the mess either."

True, but way to win the argument there, Josh.

"Yeah, and Hannah would?"  That was Toby.  Leo knows she would.  He's seen her do it first hand.

"Yeah, she would.  She's actually a master at fixing their screw-ups."  He says it like in the past there were a million screw-ups to fix.

There really weren't that many.

Really!

"Maybe I should a have asked this earlier, but, Hannah would be?  Do I even know her?"

I forgot Toby's doesn't know her personally, only somewhat professionally.

"Yeah, you met her in Chicago during the campaign just before the primaries.  She was the senior political strategist for Parsons' camp back then, only she quit working for him when he started a media hate campaign against some of local DNC members with the help of Republicans.  You should at least remember how she kicked his and a lot of Republican ass as a goodbye gift.  It was the first time I heard you praise anyone."  Josh answers with an amused tone.

Ann Stark was one of the Republicans that got royally screwed.  I don't think she ever managed to get Hannah back for that.

***

"Yeah, I remember, I liked her."  Toby says in his usual gruff manner.  He pauses before continuing to speak.  "If we fired Bruno now, we would just be giving away ammunition to Ritchie's camp.  Josh, you should know better than anyone, the kind of message that gives out."

"Hannah would take of that," I answer automatically.

"How?"

"I'm not sure how she would either Toby, but that's not something we would have to worry about.  Josh's right, Hannah would take of that."  I'm not about to say this out loud, but Leo, you're making my case for me.

"Well, in that case…  Leo I hate to-and you have no idea how it pains me to say this-agree with Josh--"

Hey!

"Hey."

"--But, he's right about Bruno.  From what I understand, you don't want to, or can't ask her to take the job, so maybe either Josh or Sam should."

"I hate to disappoint you, Toby, but, even though Hannah has these two wrapped around her little finger and can get them to do anything she wants, they don't quite have the same effect on her."

Okay, may I state for the record, I take offence to that?  If she has anyone wrapped around her little finger…  it's Leo.  Definitely Leo, and possibly Sam.

"That's not true, it's not me she has wrapped around her little finger, its Josh."

"Me? …"  I'm about to object to what Sam just said when Toby talks over me.

I hate when people do that.

"So, we get the President to ask her."

"Won't work either."  Sam replies, "She respects Leo more."

I was about to say that.  I'm glad I didn't though, because the President chooses that particular moment to walk in.

"Who admires Leo more?"

Did that sound pompous?

Sam answers, "Hannah."

"Ah, my extremely intelligent and might I add beautiful, god-daughter.  She has a tendency to admire and look up to those that deserve respect."  He briefly glances at Leo after he says this and then looks back at Sam.

That pompous comment I just made, I take it back.

"Not that she isn't one of the more interesting characters in this world, but we're talking about her at," he looks at his watch and continues, "quarter past two in the morning, because…?"

"She's here in DC."  Sam tells the President.

"She's here and she didn't call either Abbey or me?"

"Actually, she's not here yet.  She's on a private plane on her way here as we speak.  She called me before we left for New York and said that she'll call back when she lands."  Leo corrects.

See, I knew he knew where she was.

Also, that explains the amused look he had earlier.

"We think Leo should ask--"

"The campaign."  He nods his head in understanding.  After a moments silence, he says, "Before I spoke to Ritchie, winning and coming back here in January was important, it just wasn't…"  He sighs not sure how to finish that thought.

I think it's something we can all relate to.

"They're right Leo.  I told Ritchie that an agent had been killed and his response was, 'Crime, Boy, I don't know.'  The idea that the future of this country could be in his hands is infuriating.  So now winning is more than important.  It's necessary.  I want to seriously kick his ass.  I don't trust Bruno to do that for me.  Hannah, she'd do it regardless, it's in her nature to kick ass."

"But sir…"

The President speaks in a quite voice, "Ask her, Leo.  If she says no, she says no.  You and I both know she left for the wrong reasons, give her the right one to come back."

"I'll talk to her."  Leo says in a defeated tone.

"Good.  So now, if we're finished, I'm going to bed.  I suggest that you all do the same.  I have a feeling that things are going to change around here - and fast."

Leo replies, "Yeah, goodnight Mr. President."  There's a chorus of good byes as he leaves.

"I'm going too.  Sam, walk with me."

Both Toby and Sam leave and it's just Leo and me.  He looks tired.

"You should go home."  I tell him.

"Yeah."  He pauses, "She was my first choice, before Bruno."

I didn't know that.  Although it doesn't surprise me.

"Go get some sleep.  The President's right, things are gonna change tomorrow."  And with that he starts to pick up the phone.

Things are going to change.

For some reason all of us have had more than our fair share of screw-ups lately.  None of us have really been in the game-me in particular.  Some how this past month has found a way to give each of us a kick up the backside and get our asses into gear.  With Hannah here, there's no way we'll be complacent.

"Night."  I say as I leave Leo trying to get a hold of Her.

He's not looking forward to this conversation.  He knows that she'll say yes if he asks.  But she won't want to do it, and trying to convince her otherwise is a challenge he's not looking forward to.

*

The next morning in senior staff, Leo tells us that there's going to be a change in the campaign management.

Whatever he said, it worked.

After staff, I walk back to my office.

Oh shit.

I've just realised something.

Hannah is going to be here.

I have to tell her about Amy.

TBC…


	4. 4

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1**

I forgot to say that Hannah's all mine.  Nathan & Beth too, but they're not here yet so that's it for now, moving on…  Say hello to Hannah.

**_Previously_**…

"I don't want to be the hit and run guy."

"Just because you recognise a relationship isn't working doesn't mean you're that guy."

"…My relationship with Amy is rocky, but it has potential.  I want to see where it could go.  I like her and it's as simple as that."

Oh shit.

I've just realised something.

Hannah's gonna be here.

I have to tell her about Amy.

**Chapter 4**

"Hey Joshua, I'm going to lunch with Bonnie now.  I'll be back soon, and don't forget your meeting with the President."  Donna yells as she leaves the bullpen.

"Yeah, just be back by one."  I shout back.

Sam and I are in my office, catching up.  We really haven't been doing this lately, just being friends or even connecting.  I think that goes for all the senior staff.  We're all finding little ways of going back to the point where we would spend Thanksgiving together.  

I turn back to Sam, "Okay, so where was I?"

"You were in the process of explaining how you and Amy worked things out."

"Oh Yeah.  So then I said….'I came here to work things out, only I don't know how'."

"And Amy said…?"

"She replied, 'neither do I'.  So I said…  'The only thing I can think of is to agree to leave this until we know how to deal with it'."__

With a confused and somewhat incredulous look Sam asks, "Ok… so what, you're on a break?"

"No, she asked what if we could work things out.  I asked her if she wanted to try, she said yes, so we're having dinner tonight."

"And?"

"And that's where we left things."

"So let me get this straight, after our conversation four nights ago, you decided that Amy _is_ the One and went over there to fix things.  Only you managed to not talk about your problems, or in any way resolve things, and skipped on to the make up sex.  And you seriously think things are going to work out?"  Sam asks with his sceptic face on.

There was no make up sex.

And, I never said she was the One.

I sigh.  What the hell.  "Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, you're right.  That's what happened."

"And you seriously think she's, you know, the One?"

No.

"Look, I never said she's the One.  It's just that I don't want to end things with her because of something as ephemeral as politics, or rather, a political argument."

"Ok."  He answers indulgently.

"No, listen, I know we didn't exactly choose the greatest way to work things out, but it worked.  If and when either one of us manages to find a way to work through our issues, we'll resolve them, but until then we'll just work with the day to day."

"Ok, you do know that you used work/worked way too many times in one sentence, right?"  I simply give him a look in answer to that ridiculous question.  "What if she uses you again?"

"Sam," I say in a warning tone.  "She didn't use me."

"You say potato, I say patato.  Look I'm sorry if this offends you, but she made the same mistake twice.  I'm just wondering how many times you're going to forgive her?"

I'm answering somewhat defensively, "How do you know I wasn't using her?"  He just gives me a measuring look, and I feel the need to explain and justify my choice.  "Look, neither one of us came out of this looking good.  We both played the game.  And, if the roles were reversed, I would have done the same thing.  The fact is, we're both bad at this relationship stuff, but we both want this to work, so we'll figure it out."

"You're serious about her."  He sounds as if he can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth.

I'm not sure serious is the right word, maybe determined is more accurate.

Not wanting to analyse my previous thought, I say, "Give her a chance, will you?"  After a beat, I add, "Anyway, it's possible that you'll have to accept her, no matter what."

Sam is not going to like this.  Neither are Toby and CJ.

Hell, I'm not happy about this.

"Why?"  I wait for the wheels to spin in Sam's head, while he goes through all of the possible reasons that he would have to deal with Amy, apart from as my girlfriend.  "No, wait.  We're not, are we?"  He practically shouts with the same indignant tone he uses to argue with Ainsley.

"We might; it's good politics.  Leo heard that Seth Gillette was approaching Amy.  In that respect, having Amy against us could create too many headaches."

"Really, no offence to you, but your girlfriend can be a bitch.  She'll give us headaches whether she's with us or against us.  And what happens when she disagrees with us?  She has been known to do that.  Who's going to reign her in?"

"That's the beauty of it.  She would be hired for the campaign."

Again, I wait for what I just said to sink in, and when it does, he can't stop laughing.

He finally manages to say through his laughter, "Your seriously telling me that Amy would consider working for Hannah?"

"Amy doesn't know about Hannah yet.  If Leo offers her the job, he won't mention Hannah until after she's accepted.  Amy would hate the idea, but she'd suck it up, because otherwise it'd look like she's afraid of Hannah and she'd hate that even more."  I say this as I start reading some briefing memo.

If this plays out, my girlfriend is going to kill me.  And yet, for some reason, I'm laughing on the inside.  Hannah and Amy.  I'm so excited that she's back.  Hannah, that is.

"We have to offer Amy a job, whatever it is.  The idea of Hannah and Amy working together is just so unbelievable.  That's irony for you."  Sam has somehow managed to read my thoughts.

"It is, isn't it just?"  Wait, that wasn't me.  Or Sam.

That was a woman's voice.

I look up to see Sam jump out of the visitors' chair and run toward her, even though she's only a few feet away.  He hugs her, while she just laughs at his excitement.

"Sam, you look great, disgustingly so.  Seriously, where's the youth pill and why won't you share?  And my dear Joshua, sorry, but you just look like crap."

I hug her as I respond, "Thank you, Hannah, I would say you look like crap too, but you look as good Sam."

Just to be clear, I don't think Sam's good-looking.  I mean he is.  I'm just observing this in a manly way.  Although there's nothing wrong with thinking that Sam or any man is good looking, if you, you know, like that.  You know what?  There is no way I can finish this thought without feeling like an idiot.  So I'll stop.

"I'm serious Josh, you look like crap.  What the hell happened?"

She's right.  I do.  I think the last few days are beginning to catch up with me; the President and Leo informed me of what happened with Shareef.  I'm still not sure why they decided to tell me, but I have a feeling, in the future, if such a situation arises, I won't be finding out about it after the fact.  I _really_ don't want to think about that.

Back to Hannah.

Sam's doing that fake cough thing: Shit, he's going to tell her.  He can't.  I need to convince her that Amy really isn't the evil, conniving, backstabbing, elitist bitch that she knew way back when.

"Maybe you should ask his girlfriend."

It's out there before I can stop him.  "Sam."  That tone I just used strikes fear into the hearts of many idiot politicians, and just now, it made Sam laugh.

Thanks a lot my friend.  Ex-friend, I should say.

"You're with someone?"

I am currently thinking of ways to kill Sam.

"Yeah."

"It's not Mandy is it?  Because she's bad for you, Josh."

"Oh, no, she's worse than Mandy.  And you know her."  He's not even trying to hide his amusement.

Bastard!

"How could anyone be worse than Mandy?  Who is it?"

Someone just kill me now.

"Amy Gardner."  I say almost in a whisper.  I just about heard me, so I'm pretty sure she didn't.

"I'm sorry?"

What did I do that was so wrong in my past life?

"Amy Gardner."  And this time I say her name with more conviction.

I'm waiting for her reaction.  A minute goes by, as if to absorb this information.  And then…

She bursts out laughing.

Great.  Really, what did I expect?

Actually, it was more along the lines of, you know, ass kicking, maiming etcetera, etcetera.

"Amy, as in…."

"Yes, that Amy."

"Did Donna get married and leave you with a temp from hell or something?"  Her amused is tone still present.

That was n_ot_ funny.

Call me a retard - which is hard considering my intellectual and personal wealth - but I don't understand her last comment.

"First of all,_ what_?"  I know!  My voice went a little high there on the last word.  "And secondly, that's the best you could come up with?"  You should congratulate me; I actually managed to recover my dignity on that last part.

"Well, no.  But I've spent the past fours days getting reacquainted with numbing Republicans.  Add to that, the fact that as soon as I landed back on US soil, the Chief of Staff to the President would not leave me alone.  Apparently, I've lost weight.  Seriously.  You'd think the man would have better things to do.  Anyway, I thought I should give my brain a break.  But if it bothers you that much, I can come up with something better."

"No, it's ok, I guess I can live with that," I answer with mock disappointment.

"But seriously, Josh.  Amy?"  Her voice got a little high there, at the end of that sentence.

It was cute.

Before I can answer, Ginger comes in looking for Sam to remind him of his meeting with the President in fifteen minutes.  Hannah and I are supposed to be there too.  Sam leaves so that he can prepare for it, leaving Hannah and me alone.

Joy.

"I'm gonna go find CJ."

She's trying to avoid talking about this.

"I'm trying to make this work, Hannah," I say as I lean back against my desk.

She takes in the expression on my face and then walks to the door.  I begin to think she's just going to walk away but instead, she closes the door.

Oh God, I hope she doesn't bite my head off.

She takes a minute before speaking, to collect her thoughts.  She REALLY hates Amy.  But really, after what happened between them, who can blame her?

I'm feeling a little guilty for being with Amy now.

As she leans against the desk beside me, she asks, "How long have you guys been together?"

"About five months."  The confusion is evident on my face.  I have no idea where she's going with this.

"And I'm finding out about this now because…?  Never mind, I can guess.  Look Josh, your relationship with Amy is yours.  What you do is none of my business.  No wait, that's wrong."  Her forehead does this crinkly thing as she tries to come up with a better way to frame her answer.  "It is my business, but it's wrong of me to dictate what you should do."

For a minute, I have this shocked expression on my face.  That was not what I was expecting her to say.  I finally smile.

She groans and then mutters, "And I cannot believe I am about to say this but, your relationship with Amy is something for you to learn from, so, no matter what, do not break up with her on my account.  In fact, don't break up with her unless _you_ want to.  It doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks."  That was all said seriously, in her little sister tone, but now her voice does that high thing again.  "That said, if you do want the relationship to end, don't wait for her to do it.  Get in there and, you know, kick her ass to the curb."

She wants to say something else, which incidentally, I get the feeling is the most important point, but for some reason she doesn't.  I didn't expect her to say a word of what she just said.

"Ok, who are you and what have you done with Hannah?  Because seriously, you look like her, you even talk like her, and yet, the words that just came out of your mouth, never would have came out of hers."

"I'm trying my hand at the supportive sister thing.  How do you think I'm doing so far?" she answers with an adorable grin.

"Pretty good actually."

"It goes without saying though, that if you need to talk about her, or need advice and all that crap, don't expect it from me."  She's still grinning while saying this.  So she really doesn't mean it.

"Funny girl."

"I try."

"I think you just had a relapse in the supportive sister thing."

"Yeah, well, what can I say, annoying the hell out of you is a lot more fun."

I guess I see Joanie in her, except of course Joanie was older than me and Hannah is younger, much younger in fact, hence, the little sister title.

Disappointing her bugs the hell out of me: I have to know how she feels about this.

"You don't think this is going to work, do you?"  I say this in a serious and low tone, so that she doesn't laugh this off.

"Do you want an honest answer?"

"Have I ever asked you to lie?"

She's rolling her eyes.

I've never asked her to lie, just fib.  A little.  And never to me.

For me?  Yes.  To me?  No, not so much.

"Wait, let me amend that, 'cause I can see you rolling your eyes even though you don't think I can.  Have I ever asked or expected you to lie _to_ me?"

She smiles.  "Well, when you put it that way."  Pausing for a moment, she takes a deep breath, "I think… knowing you, something happened and you got hurt.  In essence, this is your way of making sure you don't have to deal with the problem.  This relationship is your knee-jerk reaction to that, to prove to yourself that whatever - or more than likely, whoever - it is that hurt you, really doesn't matter.  And because you probably do have genuine feelings for Amy, somewhere along the line you convinced yourself that your relationship with her could be the real thing.  Only, a part of you already knows it isn't.  So now you're confused."

That was…

"You didn't answer the question."  I do not want to even begin to analyse what she just said.

"Really?  Because, I'm pretty sure I did."

"Hannah," exasperation lacing my tone.

"Okay, fine, play the role of an ignorant dumb-ass," she says impatiently, "No, I don't think you're going to last.  And before you ask, I'm not telling you why.  Those are things you have to learn on your own.  Incidentally, there are _many_ valid reasons as to why I think you guys aren't going to work out, which are different from the ones you just ignored."

Her face is currently harbouring her 'how much of an idiot can you be?' expression.  Judging by the irritation that dripped her tone, I'm guessing a pretty big one.  Her face loses its previous look and replaces it with another familiar one.  It's her 'I'm talking to an idiot when it comes to relationships who needs everything spelled out for him' look.

"Josh, you should quit with the misdirection, it'll only confuse you more."

"And you know all this without having seen Amy and I together, or having any real conversations about this with me."

Ok, I went beyond defensive there, insolent would be a more accurate term.

"No, I know this because I know you and I know her," she counters glaring at me.  She's been here for less than half an hour and I've already infuriated her.  "I know that if you were attempting to have a serious and lasting relationship it would be wit…  It just wouldn't be with Amy.  Ok?" she finishes in an affectionate manner, but the hurt still present from my previous accusation.

Purposely ignoring her near slip, I answer, "I'm not trying to mis--"

She cuts me off before I can finish with a short chuckle, "You really are.  Look, all I want say is that, when you're ready to talk about whatever it is that you're trying to avoid, I'll be here.  With that said, I think we should get to this meeting.  It really doesn't look good that the first time I meet the President of the United States - in an official capacity that is - I'm late."

"Ok," I answer, glad that she's finally going to drop this.

"And Joshua?"

"Yeah?"

"You really don't look that bad," she says with a warm smile.

"Ok."  I smile at her; I love the fact that she's here.  "Lets go."

*

We're the last ones to walk in to the Oval; Sam, CJ and Toby are sitting on one couch while the President and Leo sit at opposite ends of the room in chairs.

Just as we enter, Hannah whispers in my ear, "By the way, I'm stealing Donna.  I'm offering her a job on the campaign.  And there's no way I'm taking no for an answer."

The excitement of having my little sister back just wore off.

TBC…


	5. 5

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1__**

**_Previously_**…

"By the way, I'm stealing Donna, I'm offering her a job on the campaign.  And there's no way I'm taking no for an answer."

The excitement of having my little sister back just wore off.

**Chapter** **5**

***

_January 2003._

***

_Present_ _day_.

Josh is here before me, and I'm not sure why I'm surprised.  He's been acting strange lately, and I know he's keeping secrets from me.  I mean, he's having these 'meetings' with Hannah, and well-- he's just acting weird.

He's been doing an amazing job kicking Republican ass lately.  The White House, now no longer worried about re-election, is going with a 'we're-unleashing-our-pit-bull-to-kick-ass-kind-of-policy'.  Obviously, Josh loves this, hence the amazing job performance.

He and Amy haven't had any fights, so it has nothing to do with fixing a screw up.  In fact, he and Amy have been…

Wait.

NO.  He wouldn't, would he?

***

I'm in my office looking at the ring.

It's a very nice ring.  In fact, it's perfect.

Leo, the President, and Hannah all agree.  And everyone else would too, if they knew about the ring, that is.

Leo knows because he's like my father, and I guess I felt I needed his blessing.  The President knows because Leo told him.  I forgot to mention that my mother knows, and has yet to see the ring.  But that's a given, right?  She'll be here for inauguration and see it then.  Hannah knows because I needed both an alibi and some help in picking the ring.

And, before you say anything, she only helped a little.  I did most of the work.

I dragged her butt to every jewellery store in the area and then back again.  Finally, three weeks ago, she decided enough was enough.  She contacted one of her old friends—a total nut who gave up a lucrative career in politics to design jewellery for Harry Winston.  Then, she talked to the owner of said store - who also happen to be friends of her in-laws - to create the ring.

Hannah's payback for the 'dragging her butt' thing was to get the President to give me a four hour lecture - yes four hours - on every thing to do with engagement rings.

Payback is undoubtedly a bitch.

Anyway, we spent an entire afternoon getting the design perfect.  I have no idea why this was so important to me.  Don't get me wrong, the ring had to be perfect, but I went to unbelievable lengths to make sure it was.  I never saw myself as the kind of guy who would do that.

I'm not romantic.  Actually I am, but not that kind of romantic.  You know, the soppy romance novel kind.  I'm not that.

I guess with everything it took to get us here, the fact that we finally are should be marked in an extraordinary way.  The strangest thing is, that I'm not actually going to be proposing anytime soon, or at least I don't think I will be.  I know I'm beginning to think of her as my wife, and imagining my life without her is impossible - also very painful  - but it isn't the right time.

My wife.  That, for the record, does not freak me out.

I hear Donna, and throw the ring in my drawer just as she comes into my office with a steaming cup of coffee.

This is strange, she won't look me in the eye, and she looks… upset?

***

_June 2002_

***

In exactly three days, twenty-one hours and…  Thirty… two minutes Donnatella Moss will no longer be my assistant.

The short story is that my incredibly supportive, intelligent and exuberant friend/sister - you heard the sarcasm there right? - decided that she would offer my overworked and underpaid aide a new job, with the possibility of a raise and better job title, and of course, more responsibility.

The long story is actually pretty much the same.

It all however amounts to one thing: Donnatella Moss will almost never be here.

I am not upset about this.  I am pleased for Donna.  She deserves this.

It's just that… we've worked together for almost five years, constantly in each other's lives and as a result our friendship has always been intertwined with our working relationship.  I guess it's safe ground for us, I've never had to question some of the simple things we do for each other, like her sometimes calling me in the morning to make sure I'm awake or tying my tie's for me.  She won't be here to do that anymore or even if she is, she won't have a reason to.

Our friendship is going to change.

We're almost never going to see each other and it's going to feel different.  She hasn't even left yet, and I already miss her.

"_Donnatella Moss_!"

Hey, I have her for four days; I might as well take advantage of it.

"_DONNATELLA MOSS_."  I believe that Donna refers to that decibel level with which I just said her name, as bellowing.

"What?" she shouts back.

See, this right here?  This is one of the things that will be sorely missed.

"_DONNA_!"  I shout back.

"Good God Josh, you really should get out of the habit of bellowing, " she says as she saunters into my office.

"Forgetting the fact that I do not bellow, let's just agree with your statement for a moment.  Why on earth would I have to give up that endearing habit?"

"Ok, first, endearing Joshua?"

"It's part of my charm," I say shrugging my shoulders.

"It's really not."

"But you agree that I do, in fact, have a certain charm."  Now I'm grinning.

"If you'd like me to be mendacious in order to inflate your already considerably sizeable ego, and give credence to your delusions, then, of course Josh, you do in fact have a certain…  No, wait.  Still can't do it.  Sorry, but it would be a gross overstatement on my part, and not to mention of course, untrue."  And now she's grinning too.

"You wound me, Donnatella."  I shoot back.

"I shall forever remain in sorrow for having wounded you."  She deadpans.

"That seems fair."

"Anyway, getting back to the original topic of conversation, I do not think that bellowing Caitlin's name across the bullpen will work in your favour."

I never thought of that.

I will never bellow the name Donnatella Moss again.

I shall never bellow again.

Well yeah, ok, I will.  But…

I'm getting depressed.

"What's wrong?"

Evidently, my pain is written all over my face.  Before I can come up with a plausible excuse the phone rings.

"Josh Lyman.  Yeah, sure, Amy, he's right here."

She hands me the phone and gives me a strange look I file away for later analysis.  I answer the phone as she walks out of my office closing the door.

*

"Hey Josh, I'm leaving early tomorrow."  Donna announces as we walk back to my office.  It's eight o'clock in the evening and with the exception of the Senior Staff, almost everyone has left.

Another thing I shall miss, conversing while walking – or perhaps in my case, as I'm told by numerous fans, swaggering - through the many corridors of the West Wing with Donnatella Moss.

"You know, I'm still your boss for the next few days, and I think that in that capacity I should be in charge of this dynamic."

"You'd think that wouldn't you?"

"Why do you need to leave early?"

"When I say early, I mean at least three hours after the rest of DC has left work.  And considering that is the time I'm actually officially supposed to finish too, I wouldn't technically be leaving early."

"Why do you need to leave early?"

"I'd also like to point out that you will also be leaving early tomorrow since you have a date with Amy, so my leaving early really isn't going to be a problem."

"Why do you need to leave early?"

"I have a date," she finally relents.

I had a feeling that was the answer.  And unlike previous situations, that statement does not bother me.

Huh.

"So can I leave early?"

"I don't see why not.  Barring an international crisis, Donnatella Moss you are free to go out on a date with this gomer."  Hey, I wouldn't be me unless I didn't make some sort of reference to her bad choice in men.

"He's not a gomer."

"And he would be different from the other gomers because…?"

"Because Hannah would not set me up with a gomer."

Ok.  That stopped me in my tracks.  Fortunately we've reached my office, so my stopping looks normal.  I am now beginning to experience some of my previous reservations.  She's right; Hannah would not set her up with a gomer.  Therefore, this date has potential.

But again, this does not bother me.

Nope.  Not.  At.  All.

"Josh?"

I really have to learn to pay attention when people talk to me.  "He could be a gomer."  Yeah, I know, that was a lame comeback.

"He's not."  She's not telling me something.  I flash back to Donna in a grey cardigan fixing my tie and then later telling me that she went on a date.  I really don't like it when my stomach suddenly takes a detour down south.

"And you know this how exactly?"  I just asked a question I'm pretty sure I do not want the answer to.

"This would not be our first date," she quietly replies.

"Oh."  Is all I can manage to say.

Donna tumbles into an explanation, her hands anxiously trying to enunciate every word; "You remember we went out for drinks on Hannah's first day here?  Well, Nathan happened to be at the bar when Hannah and I went to buy the drinks.  He was with some clients so he couldn't join us, but he asked me out and Hannah set it up."

She's been seeing this guy for three weeks and I was there when he was picking her up?

Still not bothered.

Seriously.

"Ok.  I'm glad it's working out for you.  Maybe we could double date sometime."

Did those words just come out of my mouth?  Double date?  There has to be something wrong with me, I am not the kind of man who goes out on double dates, let alone suggests them.  Not only that, but to suggest a double date with Donna and her… her…  I am not that kind of man.  Obviously Donna thinks so too.  I can't quite understand what Donna's face is expressing and before I can ask, she makes her excuses and leaves my office.

At first knowing this could be a serious relationship, made me feel… well, terrible.  But now…  I'm… this proves she doesn't have feelings for me, and that's… that's ok.

But then again, I'm with Amy and… you know what?  I'm not going there.

My feelings for Donna that were once possibly romantic are now purely platonic.

Really!

I am not going to think about this, I'm with Amy now.

Ok, maybe not completely platonic, just, you know….

Not.  Thinking.  About.  This.

*

It's actually quite late now, so I tell Donna to pack up her things and go home.  Half an hour later, I'm on my way home to Amy's apartment contemplating the changes that will occur in my relationship with Donna when she finally leaves.  I've had over two weeks to adjust to the idea of Donna not being a consistent part of my life - for the next few months at least - nevertheless, I still can't seem to imagine a tomorrow without her.  I know it will happen and that as it transpires I'm almost certainly not going to reflect - or rather brood - over this as much as I have been recently, but still, I find myself trying to commit to my memory the little things we do together that have made us what we are to each other.

Home to Amy's.

That just doesn't sound right.

On second thought, I think I'll just go back to my place.

TBC…


	6. 6a

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1**

**_Previously_**…

In exactly three days, twenty-one hours and….  Thirty-two minutes Donnatella Moss will no longer be my assistant

… My feeling for Donna that were once romantic, are now purely platonic.

Really.

**Chapter** **6**

It's Friday and Donna officially will no longer be the Senior Assistant to the Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning in exactly twenty minutes.  

She will no longer be my assistant in twenty minutes.

Today has been the day from hell.  

*

First, I had three meetings on the hill, all of which I royally screwed up, one in particular had taken two months to set up.  Therefore, the fact that I had messed up caused Leo to be pissed at me all day.  So pissed in fact, that he instructed Hannah to have a little 'talk' with me.  I think he and the President are still having problems with their decision over Shareef.  It was the only choice they had, just not a choice they like.

Hannah, realising that my mood was sour, decided to milk it for what it was worth.  In other words, she decided to have some fun at my expense - of course if the situation was reversed, I would have done the same thing, but that's beside the point - so as Leo instructed, she and I had a little talk.  

I'm telling you, if she ever decided to give up politics, she could without doubt pursue a career in acting.  She definitely has the looks and as for her acting ability, she managed to convince me that if my recent mistakes - and in particular, the welfare mistake - were repeated, she would be forced to advise Leo to ask for my resignation.  Considering that she usually goes to any and all lengths to save my ass, that was no minor accomplishment.  

Anyway, then we found out that Amy accepted Stackhouse's job offer.  

Did I forget to mention the part where we decided not to offer Amy a job on the campaign?  Much to Sam's disappointment.  It was Hannah's decision.  Leo and I both thought that might not have been the best course of action and Leo half-heartedly tried to talk her out of it.  As it turns out, Stackhouse has decided to create some problems, and asked Amy to join his staff.

As much as I hate to admit it, Amy worked fast and got her people into action quickly on the welfare issue.  As a member of Stackhouse's staff, she really could cause a number of headaches for us.

Hannah calmly explained her reasons for not hiring Amy.  First, it would give credibility to the stance she took, and although we agree with it, we do not need to broadcast the fact that we went right of centre.  Second, the administration has been in a slump recently, going on the defensive and fixing screw up after screw up, rather than going on the offensive and making the opposition screw up.  It would look like we hired her because she made me get my butt into gear.  Finally, although she's a powerful women's advocate, she could lose any kind of credibility, (not that she really has much right now), because, some would see it as my girlfriend being hired, as a 'sorry for making you lose your job,' thing.  Of course I knew this already, Hannah just reiterated her reasons for Leo's benefit.

Then of course Hannah went on to say that, if either Stackhouse or Amy decided to give us headaches, she would give them migraines.  Which is what won Leo over and made him grin in the process.  I just think Hannah didn't want the headache of working with Amy, which is completely understandable.

What else? 

Ann Stark decided to make a re-appearance, but Toby and CJ - with a little assistance from Hannah - dealt with that.  Still, I had to listen to CJ bitch about her all day.

The main reason for today being dreadful was that all traces that Donna had once been here are now gone.  People were congratulating and commiserating and basically making it painfully obvious that she was no longer going to be around all that much.  

See, I don't get this.  She is still a White House employee - well, technically she isn't - but she will be again when we win.  Until then she's part of the campaign and will be around.  It's not like they will never see or hear from her again.  Donna just won't be my personal assistant anymore, strike that, because now looking at my crappy watch, I realise she's no longer my personal assistant. 

Today royally sucked.

*

It's nine thirty in the evening and Donna officially stopped being my assistant four-and-half hours ago.  We're in a Georgetown Bar celebrating this new phase in her life.  The place is packed with White House personnel, all the senior staff and their assistants, as well as other staff members and some press.  Both Amy and Nathan are here.  Amy's avoiding Hannah, so of course anyone who doesn't want to talk to Amy joins Hannah.  

Thank God Donna isn't one of those people, because otherwise Amy would be alone all evening or worse, with me.

Leo, Sam, Toby and I have decided to grill Nathan.  Our reasons for doing so?  Well, Sam simply has a strong friendship with Donna.  Toby and Leo, on the other hand, both have a paternal relationship with her.  Although this is something he will never admit to, Toby became protective of her ever since he told her that I was the one shot.  I overheard him tell Leo once that the look on Donna's face when he told her is one that he will never forget.  Leo, however, has always been affectionate towards Donna, simply as an extension of his feelings toward me.  They became really close during my recovery, since he looked out for her while she looked out for me.

Do you really need an explanation as to why I'm doing this?

Thought not.

"So, Nathan, what is it you do exactly?"  Leo asks the question as if Nathan asked for Donna's hand in marriage and is sizing him up. 

"I basically buy companies that are on the downfall, either break them up and sell them on as smaller businesses.  Or if they're salvageable them, I rebuild them."****

"Donna mentioned something about the military?"  Sam chimes in.  "She didn't say whether it was American or British."  

She did?  She's talked to Sam about Nathan?  Ok, I'm confused; I hear the accent so I assumed he was British.  Why would he join the US anything?

"Yeah, I joined US Air Force when I was twenty-six; I put my degree to use there, military lawyer.  But I left after my four years were up.  It was … um … life changing."

Whatever it was he didn't say, Leo understood.  They exchange a look and now Nathan knows that he has Leo's blessing.

Damn.  Leo respects him.

"So how did you get from military lawyer to …  I'm not sure of the exact title."  That's Toby asking in his usual gruff manner.

"I went back to London and studied Economics.  I guess I realised I had more of a business mind than anything else.  Came back here, helped a friend rebuild his company and the rest is history."

I don't know what the hell this guy is doing, but he seems to be winning everyone over.  I, for one, am not impressed.  I mean where in London did he study?  It can't beat Harvard and Yale.

"Where in London did you study?"

I have no idea why Leo, Sam and Toby are amused by my question.

"London School of Economics.  It's the best place to study economics, or so I was told."

Oh.  Ok.  I should have my new assistant double check that.  Still, I bet it doesn't beat either Harvard or Yale though.

"You say that you went back to London?"  Sam tries to clarify.

"Yes, I was born here, so I'm actually American, so is my father, but my mother's British.  His career was here and hers in London.  So I studied there while my mother worked, we both travelled back and forth during free weekends and holidays or for any major events.  We finally moved here permanently when I was about seventeen."

Leo, Sam and Toby interrogate him some more and then talk about politics.  It turns out that Nathan is the son of a prominent Democratic Congressman whom I happen to admire.  He's loaded, educated, funny and above all, decent.

He's not right for Donna.

*

The night winds down and I decide that Donnatella and I need to have a little talk; it seems anticlimactic to end this way, even though it isn't the end.  

Only, I can't find her.

I wander outside and toward the park nearby; it seems like a place she would go.

"You know, you really shouldn't be out here alone, it's dark, late and DC."  She smiles at me and I find myself smiling back as I join her on the swings.  "What are you doing out here?"

"I could ask you the same question."

"I was looking for you.  Thanks for talking to Amy earlier."

"Hannah talked to her, you know."

"Really?"  Why would Hannah do that?

As if reading my mind, Donna answers, "She's your girlfriend, has been for almost six months.  I think Hannah wanted to extend an olive branch.  If you two get married and have two point six children--"

"That won't happen."  I interrupt automatically.

"Why not?"

"She's not the One."

"Are you sure?"

"No."  Don't ask me why I just said that, because I really am sure.  She's not the one.  I think that if she was, I would know by now.

"So then marriage, is well, possible."  It's really not.

"I'm not there yet, we're not there yet, so I can't answer that."  I have no idea why I can't tell Donna the truth.  

"Ok."

I'm learning a lot of things in and from this relationship with Amy.  My mind keeps on wandering back to my conversation with Hannah three weeks ago, when she told me I was in this to learn some lessons.  Every time I'm with Amy, I seem to be drawing closer to a realization, but of what, I'm not sure.  Or maybe I am and I'm not ready to accept the conclusion yet.  Either way, I'm not comfortable talking about this.

Time to change the subject.

"You didn't answer my question."

"Sorry?"

"What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, just … thinking."

"About … ?"

"Nothing really."

There's a comfortable silence between us for a while.  But there's something I need to know, so I interrupt it.

"Sooooo, you like Nathan?"  I'm trying for a causal tone here.

"Yeah."

Well that told me everything I wanted to know.

"Anyway, I'd thought you would love reminiscing with him," Donna says as she turns her head back to look at the stars.

I'm sorry, but what?  She just lost me there.

"How and why would that happen?"

She ignores my question and with a teasing tone says, "Well, I guess that he might intimidate you, I mean he did make it to the Deans list all four years."

"You do realise I have no idea what you're talking about, right?"

"He went to Harvard."  She says this as if I should already know.

"He did?  When?  I thought he went to LSE."  I'm totally confused.

"He did.  He moved back here from London when he was seventeen, and went to Harvard.  He got his JD there and then joined the Air Force."  She answers absently.  It's almost as if she's not really here talking, she seems to have other things on her mind.

"Why would he join the Force if he just came out of Harvard?"  Because really, that makes no sense at all, I mean he just spent all that money on an Ivy League education.  What was the point if he was going to join the Air Force?

"I'm not sure, I think it had something to do with his grandfather and father.  They were both in the Air Force.  Family tradition I guess," she answers, while continuing to look at the stars.

"He seems like a good gomer," I say with a grin, which she returns.  "Leo, Sam and Toby have given him their approval."

"What about you?"

"Does it matter?"  I ask, somewhat surprised.  

I'm beginning to realise that I have some insecurities when it comes to Donna.  I really shouldn't, we are friends.  It's just…  

"Yeah, for some reason, it does."

"I …  I …  I think he seems decent."

"But?"

"I don't know."  I answer honestly.

"I guess that's how I feel too.  I mean he's great on paper; he's smart, funny, kind and everything I always thought I wanted.  But there's just something missing.  You know?"

"Yeah."

This revelation causes me to be inexplicably happy.  It also feels extremely familiar.

Ok, maybe it's not inexplicable.

"Josh?"  She waits to make sure she has my attention, and then continues, "Thank you for giving me a chance."

I bite back my initial sarcastic response and decide now would be the time to say something nice.  And this is when my mouth runs off and says something my brain didn't approve beforehand.

"You made it hard for me not to, and I've never been more thankful for anything else in my life.  Anything.  I just want you to know that … that … that to say you are valuable, to this administration, but more importantly, that you're valuable to me, would be an understatement.  I don't think you could ever fully comprehend what it is you mean to me and I'm not sure I would ever want you to, because then you would be placing a value on something that is priceless.  I meant it when I said I wouldn't stop for a beer, hell a political crisis wouldn't even be able to keep me away, but even more than that, I wouldn't stop for red lights either, Donnatella."  Our faces are inches away and my heart has suddenly started pounding like never before.

"Joshua, Josh, Josh."  Please don't say that.  I know you're going to say something that will keep me up all night when you say that.  "I thought that walking away from Dr. Freeride was the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but Joshua, that is nothing compared to walking away from _you_."  She whispers the word 'you' and smiles in a way I've never seen before.

My heart just stopped; I have no come back.  She did it again.

She gets up and walks back to the bar, leaving me to realise that one of us always walks away when we open our hearts.  All this time I was thinking that this change is only affecting me, that she was impervious.  But she is just as scared of what this will do to us as I am.

Neither of us really understands 'us.'  In fact, neither of us is even ready to deal with there being an 'us.'  

But something infinitely more important occurs to me, despite everything that has happened recently to either and to both of us, despite my being in an relationship with Amy or her having had one with Cliff, or currently being in one with Nathan, there is an 'us.'

My face loses it shocked and awed expression and instead a small intimate smile begins to form. 

And I realise something else.  

Letting Donna walk away is not an option.

TBC…


	7. 6b

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1__**

**_Previously_**…

"Joshua, Josh, Josh…  I thought that walking away from Dr. Free Ride was the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but Joshua, that is nothing compared to walking away from _you_."

**Chapter** **6b**

***

_June_ _2002_

***

As soon as I walk back into the bar Nathan finds me and smiles, "Are you ready to leave?"

_Am_ I ready to leave?

"I uh--"

"Hey, Donna," Hannah interrupts, "Margaret and Ginger were looking for you earlier."  I am currently in the process of thanking God for her timing just now in all the languages I can possibly think of.  (And I grant you it's not many, but still, it's the sentiment that counts.)  I wonder if she senses this?

"Margaret and Ginger," I repeat, as I'm really not sure what else to say.  "Have they left already?"  I ask, since I can't seem to see them anywhere.

"Yes, sorry.  They had to leave early and just wanted to say bye.  I wouldn't worry about it.  They said that they'd call you the first chance they get.  So… where were you?"  I think I should add at this point that she has this all knowing smile tugging at her lips, indicating that she knows full well where I just was.  More importantly, who I was just with.

"I just needed to get some fresh air," I explain as Hannah's smile becomes more mischievous.

"Ok.  Are you ready to leave now or do you want to stay a while longer?  I'm ready when you are."

"You guys are leaving together?"  Nathan's slightly taken aback tone interrupts the staring match Hannah and I seem to have stumbled into.  He's surprised, and really, that's quite understandable.  We've been dating less than a month, spending as much free time as possible together and generally having a great time.  But now I'm leaving to work on a presidential campaign.  To be fair, he knew this day would be coming when we started this relationship.  Still, three weeks seemed so far away.  Anyway, here I am spending my last free night with Hannah instead of my smart, funny and charming boyfriend.  Did I mention good looking?  No?  I wonder how I could have forgotten that?

Yeah, there's definitely nothing wrong with this picture.

I need an excuse.

"I thought you still had some packing do?"  And thank you Hannah for supplying it!

I nod.

"Plus, we have to go over the thing," she adds, I guess she figures that Nathan could help with the packing.  "Sorry, Nate."  Although, I have to say, she does not look sorry at all.

"Yes I can see that," he smirks.

"Ah, yeah, so that wit thing you were talking about earlier – he was trying to convince CJ that we had a thing back in Harvard, because I was charmed by his wit – pretty much flew out the window there," Hannah quips.

Yes, Hannah and Nathan dated.  Briefly.  Nathan was – as Hannah puts it – pre Chris.  (Although, considering she hasn't dated anyone since Chris, the 'pre' thing seems kind of redundant.)

When Hannah had first introduced us, she referred to him simply as her friend from Harvard.  Since he was potential boyfriend material, I, of course, had to know more.  It was only after some memory jogging and rather cleverly worded questioning that Sam expanded on the nature of their relationship.  Of course, now I realise that the cleverly worded questions were not needed, since he had no problems talking about Hannah and Nathan.  Sam is after all, a spokesperson; it's in his blood.

But I digress.

According to Sam (I hadn't realised how well versed Sam was in Hannah's dating history, but it seems he was the one she would go to for advice about relationships.  Josh, not so much), Hannah and Nathan were both in their final year studying for exams and suffering through a dry spell when they became… acquainted, and well, take a guess.

I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, he was one of her better break-ups.

"That's what you think," he retorts.  The wit really has flown out the window.

Hannah throws a look of mock annoyance his way and then faces me, "I'll be waiting outside, ok?"

"Ok, I'll be there in a minute."

"Sure.  Bye Nate," she says in a singsong manner.

"Yeah, speak to you later."

Once Hannah leaves I turn to face Nathan and it doesn't take a genius to work out that he knows Hannah was lying.  And I am now hit with a sudden pang of guilt.  I start to trip over an explanation.

"I'm sorry, I just--"

"Donna," he interjects.

"Yes?"

"I understand that you need to be alone tonight."

Well, that was… suspiciously astute of him.  He's a man - a great one, but a man nonetheless - men are never that tuned.

"Hannah thinks it's her business to butt into everyone else's," he offers by way of explanation.  He registers my shocked face before I can mask it and he exclaims, "No, I meant that in a good way!"  I now have my pensive face on.  "While you were outside, she explained that you might need some time alone tonight," he clarifies.  After a moment he adds, "Although I don't think I was meant to tell you that."

I smile, "You weren't?"

"No, I think I was meant to impress you with my ability to be a sensitive and understanding guy," he says trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.  Realising that didn't come out quite right, he adds sheepishly, "Not that I'm not sensitive and all that, just--"

"Nathan."

"Yes?"

"Thanks."  He really is a great guy.  A great guy who's about to kiss me.  We've kissed before but there's something different about this particular one, all the doubt and uncertainty I just expressed to Josh about him seems to melt away while he kisses me like this.  I pull back almost wishing that I wasn't going home alone tonight when I spot Josh.

He still has that awed smile he had in the park, but there's an edge of intimacy to it, and it's then that I realise it's for me, which is of course when all the feeling of ambiguity comes rushing back.  Great!  If I were alone right now I'd be throwing my hands up in the air, you know, to show my annoyance at this… annoying feeling. 

I have to leave now, clear my head.

Tears threaten to leave my eyes as I say goodbye to everyone.  I feel a strong, soft hand take mine and squeeze it; I look up to see Nathan smiling softly.  I promised myself I wouldn't cry.  I'm not saying goodbye to these people since I plan on coming back in November, so in essence I'm saying see you later.  Unless, of course, we lose, which we won't (and before you ask, because I say so).

I'm getting off track.

Unlike Sam and Toby, CJ has decided that a simple hug won't do, so she huddles me off to a corner.  She starts with a speech about how she won't wish me good luck because I really don't need it, but then in the very next breath she hugs me and well, wishes me good luck.  She's… flustered.  She valiantly recovers – although her cheeks are still a little red – and demands that I keep her apprised of all the gossip that is bound to ensue during the campaign.  In return she will fill me in on all the things happening in the White House and DC in general.

I'm not sure if I want to be kept appraised of _all_ the gossip in DC.  "I could do with not hearing about Josh and 'the love making'," I joke.  Although, I'm not entirely sure I'm joking, a point, which CJ seems to take note of, but thankfully doesn't comment on.

We're hugging each other (again) when I feel someone touch my elbow lightly.  Somehow, I know its Josh, even before I hear him say…

"Hey, is it okay if I steal my treacherous ex-assistant away for a moment?"

"Sure."

Once we seem to be out of everyone's vision, I ask, "Treacherous?"

"I got you something."

I'm touched.

Josh was in a mood all day today, the meetings on the Hill didn't go as planned, he was forced to listen to CJ complain about Ann Stark as punishment for being an idiot during said meetings on the Hill, and to top it off, he found out that Amy had accepted Senator Stackhouse's job offer - and not from her – which, you know, aggravated his already sour mood beyond belief.  I'm actually surprised at how he reacted to Amy accepting the job, he knew that she would be, but still, he was upset.

Despite all that, less than twenty minutes ago he managed to, you know, stop being him, and say the sweetest thing to me.  And now he's giving me a present?

I feel like crying again.

"Donna."  He's using that soft tone that makes you want to wrap yourself up in him.

I didn't just say that, did I?

He opens his jacket and pulls out a small rectangular box from the inner pocket.  It's wrapped in a kind of shiny blue paper with Donnatella Moss written in silver.  My name looks so beautiful in that old calligraphy style handwriting and there's no way Josh wrote that, I know his handwriting, this is not it.

"You wrapped it?"  I ask, though the look that accompanied the question pretty much gives it away that I know he didn't.  But also, that I don't mind.

"Actually no," he admits somewhat guilty, "Hannah did, and since I know you're wondering, that's her handwriting.  I just got the-- it's not much but I just thought-- actually tradition dictated that I give you-- you know what?  Take a look.  Actually no, take it with you and open it later."

I want to laugh at his discomfort but the look on his face is stopping me, I suddenly feel flustered and so instead I just nod and let him lead me back to everyone else to listen to a final set of congratulations.

And that's it.

I have this strange feeling bubbling inside as Nathan walks me to Hannah's car.  I don't know how to describe it; it's not overwhelming, it's just there.  It's almost as if I've left something behind and as a result I feel… empty?

It's like that feeling you get when you have guests come to stay for a long time.  Your home feels so full.  Sure, it can get hectic and at times you feel like kicking them out, but when they finally leave, you feel a void.  You know?

Only what I feel right now is so much more intense, and it scares me because I have no idea what I'm feeling or why.

"Donna?"

"Yes?"

"It will be ok."  I don't know how, but Nathan read my mind and managed to say exactly what I needed to hear.

It will be fine.

Why do I wish it were someone else saying it?

*

Ok, so I've been exceptionally quiet for the last ten minutes while Hannah's been driving.  This is not me.  I mean it is, but it's not _like_ me I should say.  Why have I been quiet for the last ten minutes?  Honestly?  I don't know.  My mind isn't really focused on any one thing; in fact it's devoid of any thoughts whatsoever.  Is that even possible?  I don't really think it is--

I'm rambling. 

What I do know is that I've just been sitting here feeling… weird.  That's it, weird.  Yes, I know I should really come up with better adjectives to describe how I feel but, I, can't.

It won't be fine.

Joshua Lyman, you great big dork, you had to be sweet, didn't you?

He wouldn't stop for red lights either - not that I didn't know that already, Josh is fiercely loyal to his friends.  I just never expected to ever hear him say that - I wonder what's in the box?  Josh isn't here, so it's safe to at the least take a peak, right?  I'm going to take a look.

It's about this time I notice that this is not the way to my apartment.

"Hannah?"  I'm using that tone kindergarten teacher's use when they're asking the resident naughty child what mischievous deed he or she just performed, all the while, having a pretty good idea.  Don't ask me why I'm using this particular tone, it just seems appropriate.

"Yes," she answers innocently.

"This isn't the way to my apartment."  I state the obvious.  I'm good at that.

"That would be correct."  And she's good at being elusive.

"This is the way to your place."

"Yes, again."

I hear you saying that if I want a straight answer I should stop with the prompting and just ask the question.  But see, this is where you would be dreadfully misguided.  Why?  Because she's just like Josh.  And while that's amazingly reassuring - again, don't ask me why - it's also immensely annoying.  It means that even if I ask the question, the likelihood of my getting a candid, forthright answer is not very likely.  

I ask anyway, "Why are we going to your place?"

"I have cookies, ice cream, dips, ingredients for smoothies or whatever else you would like--"

See?

"And that still doesn't answer the question."

"I'm sensing that you have some things on your mind that you need to talk about."

Well, ok.

I'd like to point out though that she's never usually this quick.  It generally takes a few more attempts of my prompting for her to stop evading.  I realise that this is neither here nor there, and that you're wandering how in the hell this is like Josh.  Trust me, in political situations there is not a more acute and focused mind - don't worry, Josh isn't here and so I'm not boosting his already considerably inflated ego - or a more laconic and articulate a person such as Josh.  However, in personal situations you could not get more reticent a man than Josh.  He has a tendency to skirt around the issue in personal situations, much like Hannah.

And anyway, there is nothing on my mind-- well, yes there is, but I don't need desperately to talk about it.

So I redirect.  "Would this be your Miss Cleo gene kicking in?"

She continues as if I didn't say a thing.  "I think we should have a slumber party of sorts, and my apartment would be the most conducive for the type of environment needed."

"I'm ok."  I'm lying but… yeah, ok, I don't know where to go with that either.

"Donna."

"I'm fine, really."  Again with the lying, although, I think she believes me this time.

"Well that would be great except I don't believe you."

Or maybe not.

"What am I going to sleep in?"  

Just so you know, I'm figuratively banging my head on a table at this very moment.

I spent the past five years working with the country's smartest, most passionate and quick-witted people, who are also masters of avoidance and misdirection, skilful in the art of deception - and yes, I realise I'm oozing melodrama here, but I'm trying to make a point - you'd think I'd learn something along the way.  Which, you know, I actually have, 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' ring a bell anyone?  And yet, I could not possibly have come up with a more feeble excuse than the one I just used.

"I'm about to borrow your flair for stating the obvious here, but Donna, we're roughly the same height and we have the same figure and build, with that in mind, do you honestly think we couldn't find you something?"

"Yes?"

"I promise I won't bite.  If you don't want to talk, that's fine.  We'll just eat cookies and ice cream and do the girl talk thing."

"Ok," I relent, since the idea is gaining appeal with every passing minute.

"Excellent."

*

"Have you seen your view?"  I squeal.  I don't think I've ever done that before, at least not in the company of others.

"Um… yes?"

"No, I mean really?  It's gorgeous."

"I know.  It's one of the reasons Chris bought this place."

We're sitting on the balcony dressed in sweat pants and Harvard sweatshirts – she has Chris's and I'm wearing hers - with cookies, ice cream - I'm indulging in this wonderful creamy vanilla flavour made with Cornish milk or something, while Hannah is occupying herself with mint chocolate chip - chips, chocolate and a wide variety of drinks at our disposal.

"So I noticed the piano and drum kit earlier.  Are they for show or can you actually play?"

"I can play the piano, the drums, not so much.  They were Chris's babies."

"Play something."

She hesitates as if looking for an excuse, "I'm not that good."

"A phrase I never thought I'd hear you say," I grin.

She smiles softly but it's restrained, much like her tone, "Ok, you make me sound like an arrogant, egotistical--"

"Which you are," if it's possible I grin even more, "And I mean that in the nicest possible way."

"Seriously, I'm not that good."

"I find it hard to believe that the overachiever in you would let you be anything but wonderful at playing the piano.  And since when did you become the insecure type?  What happened to that brash overconfidence you so regularly love to display?"  I tease.

"I just…  I don't really play anymore.  I…  I stopped when Chris died."

Well, now I feel like a jerk.

And I think she can tell from the apologetic look I'm giving her.

"Don't.  I only learned to play because my mother thought that a graceful little girl should know how.  It was never a passion, it just became something Chris and I did."

Silence.

My kingdom for a new topic.

"I didn't realise you had money, I mean this kind of money," I gesture around her apartment.  I remember Sam once telling me that her father had left her something like a couple of million dollars, however, Hannah wasn't really wise with money and so squandered the majority of it inside a year or two of inheriting it.  She's only ever worked within the political arena in jobs with prestige but not a lot of money, so I wouldn't think she could afford to live here.

"I don't.  Well no, I do, but I never earned it.  This comes from Chris."

She married rich.  My mother would be so proud.

"Was there a big difference in your economical standing?"

"Our economical standing?" she sounds vaguely amused, which is, you know, much better than sounding insulted.  "Yeah, there was.  He had lived a different lifestyle to me.  I came from a pretty comfortable background but it was nothing compared to his.  The main difference though was our parent's attitudes; my mother was extremely tight with money.  If she didn't want me to do something then she would simply refuse to pay.  Like college.  His parents, on the other hand, gave him everything, including things he never asked for."

"Your mother didn't want you to go to college?"

"No, I meant she wanted me to go to college and was even proud that I got into Harvard.  She was just dead set against the idea of my studying law, so she refused to pay.  But I'm not at all bitter about that."

"I'm supposed to believe that, aren't I?"  She mock glowers at me.  "So how did you pay for Harvard?"

"Scholarship."

"What about Yale?"

She sighs, "You know my mother died in my final year at college, right?"  I nod.  I don't elaborate on where that information came from (Sam), I'm sure she already knows.  "Well, she knew beforehand that her dying was imminent so she made sure that the money was there for me regardless of what I needed it for."

"What happened?  With your mother I mean, you don't have to--"

"She had heart problems and things just deteriorated from there.  Donna, what my mother went through really isn't a great pick me up kind of story, so maybe we should…"

I nod again, "What about Chris?"

"As in his economical standing?"  Now she looks way too damn amused again.  "You know, I didn't realise how much money he had until I met his parents.  And I realise he was being modest and all, but I really wished he had told me."

"Why?  I can't imagine having a problem with my boyfriend suddenly announcing, 'Hey, honey, guess what?  I'm rich."

"Normally I wouldn't have either, but with the realisation that he had money came the understanding that his parents would hate me on principal," she laughs.

"You're kidding, right?"  You have to see her with her in-laws to understand my incredulous tone.  They adore her.

"Nope.  I wasn't the poised upper-class southern belle - read that as the daughter of a major oil tycoon - that they had envisaged their son marrying.  Also, I'm a Democrat; I think they were hoping that a nice young Republican girl would help Chris grow out of his liberal 'phase.'  I'm pretty sure for a while there they were thinking of bringing back some of his ex-girlfriends."  I laugh as she scrunches up her nose in disgust.  "I love the guy and all, but what the hell was he thinking?"

"Jealous?"

"Between you and me?"

"Yes."

"I'm serious, if you ever tell Josh - or even Sam for that matter - I'll be forced to kick your butt.  The last thing I need is for either of them to be gloating about the fact that they were right."

"I won't tell," I swear solemnly.

"Yes," she says nodding, "I guess I was, although at the time I didn't realise it.  In the beginning stages of his relationships I would encourage him - almost push him into the relationship - but when it became apparent that he and his girlfriend were becoming somewhat serious, I would become…"

"Snarky?"  I supply.

"Yeah.  After a while I would just let him have his relationship and not voice any opinions on what he was doing.  All the while I would have this uneasy feeling lurking around in the back of my mind."

"You realise that sounds sickeningly sweet.  You were in love him even when you didn't know it."

Ok, what's so funny?  Hannah seems to be trying in vain to stop herself from smiling that annoying omniscient type smile she was courting earlier, but fails miserably.

"Any other questions?"

Yes, what's with the smile?

"Not that I can think of."

"Okay, so do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"

I was wondering how long it would take to get to this.

"It's nothing really."  And it's really not.  

Only, it is.

"So then you won't have a problem talking about it."

"I just…"  I have no idea how to put this into words.  I have no idea what 'this' is.  "Tomorrow's going to be different," I start, although why I said that I'm not so sure.

"Well… yes."  I don't think she's knows where I'm going with this, and since neither do I, that's perfectly reasonable.

"I won't be working in the White House anymore, or at least until we win."

She nods her head for a moment, clearly not following, and then gets this look that roughly translates as 'ahh…  I know where you're going with this even if you don't.'  "You'll no longer be working for Josh," she states.

"Yes."

"And so… things will be different between you guys," she hedges.

"Well, yes."

"How?"

"How?"  I'm confused.  I mean even more confused than before we started this conversation.  Which really is something.

"Yes, how?  You're worried about changes that will occur in your relationship with Josh, but what's going to change that's making you worry in the first place?"

"We're no longer going to work together."  Have I mentioned that I'm good at stating the obvious?  Not to mention, repeating things that have already been established.

"And the fact that you no longer share the boss/assistant dynamic with him bothers you?"  There's an incredulous note to her tone.

"Well, no.  What I meant was that our friendship is… entangled with our working relationship."

"Again not seeing the problem here.  You can be friends without working together."

I nod.  I'm not doing a good job of explaining how I feel; of course it would help if I actually knew how I felt.

"How about this?  You're worried that the nature of your friendship will change."

Didn't I just say that?

"Go on."

"Ok, so, you've worked together for the past five years and your friendship stemmed from your professional relationship.  You guys share a certain intimacy.  The fact that you worked for him meant that you could do certain things without it really being questioned - like when you tie his tie – those little moments define your relationship and now you're worried that those very moments can't or won't exist any more."

That actually seems … right.  

"Well that-- how did you…?"

"I'm good like that.  Donna, some things are going to surprise you in that they won't change.  The other things, rituals you guys have built up, may not be there for a while, but they'll work their way back and in the interim things may be awkward, but trust me when I tell you, it's for the best."

"Yeah?"

"And along the way, you guys will have built up some more rituals."

"You think so?  Things won't be weird?  Because, they have been a little lately."

"Yes, I'm positive.  Call him."

I look at my watch and notice the time, but instead ask, "Why?"

"Because there's a way to keep that intimacy without you needing to be his assistant.  Call him."

"Now?"

"No, tomorrow morning - actually later in the morning, since it's almost one - kind of like a wake up call.  This can be the beginning of your first ritual."

"Well, since I've called him numerous times in the morning to wake him up, this really won't be a new ritual."

"Yes, but that was as his assistant.  Call him as a friend."

"I don't think I should, I mean--"

"I think you'll be surprised by his reaction."

"Yes, but--"

"Amy won't be there.  Call him."

And she knows this how?

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

While Hannah is in the kitchen making a milkshake, I locate my purse to retrieve Josh's present.  I slowly unwrap the blue paper, for some reason I feel the need to treasure it.  My patience is lost when I unwrap the first blue layer to find pink one beneath it.  I rip through the next two layers, and open the box to find…

I'm speechless.

Well, what do you know; the guy really is a man of occasion.  I have absolutely no idea what to say when I see what's inside.

I feel a smile tugging at my lips now.

Somehow, calling him doesn't seem like such a hard thing to do now.

TBC…


	8. 7

**Disclaimers** **et** **al**. **in** **part** **1**

**_Previously_**…

…I met Hannah when she was about 10, but only really got to know her when Chris started chasing her.  Just for those wondering, yes, that would be my ex-roommate from Harvard.

Also known as Amy's ex.

See the history?

Amy likes Hannah less than Donna

**Chapter** **7**

***

_June_ _2002_

***

"Oh, I got a good one.  'You will continue to kick ass, whenever it shall please you.'  What does yours say?"

"Ok, CJ?  There is no way it says that."  Sam answers looking perplexed.

Toby, Sam, CJ and I are sitting in the Roosevelt Room, eating Chinese takeout.  It's 11pm and we're working on yet another speech that looks like it was written with help from Gallagher.

"What time did Hannah say she's getting here?"  Toby asks, clearly annoyed with Sam and CJ's lack of attention.  They both seem more interested in what the fortune cookies have to say about their future than the speech.

"Hannah's coming?  I thought she was in New Hampshire."  CJ asks, stuffing her face with another dumpling while perking up at the thought of Hannah being in DC.

CJ and Donna both met her during the first campaign.  Ever since then, they've kept in touch.

Also, CJ and Hannah?  A deadly combination.  Some of the stuff they did together - and Hannah was in town for a week, at the most - still gives me nightmares.

They have the sisterhood revenge thing down to an art form.

"She was in New Hampshire, but she flew back here earlier today to meet with some DNC officials.  She said she'll stop by here once she's finished with them," I answer as I try to understand how anyone could possibly think that the jokes written in this speech are funny.

"Is Donna coming with her?" Sam asks.

"No," I answer, somewhat disappointed.  "She's staying behind to meet with some senators who are in the area."

"From what I'm hearing, she's doing a great job.  She should have been promoted ages ago," CJ says as she takes another spoonful of rice while giving me a pointed look.

"Yeah."  I answer absently.  That's what I've been hearing too, and not from Hannah.  In fact, she seems to go out of her way not to talk about Donna.  It's something I still can't figure out, especially since she has no problem talking to Sam and CJ about her.

*

Half an hour later Hannah comes in claiming victory.  She apparently charmed the pants off the DNC officials, managing to get their support without giving them anything in return.

I'm not sure I believe that, but I value my life too much to question it.

"Oooooh, food," she says as she takes a seat next to CJ.  "So, how is everyone?"

"Read the speech and you'll know," CJ answers as she hands Hannah the speech.

Hannah takes a minute to skim through and then cutely remarks, "Aaaah, the age old problem of finding the funny."

"Oh hey, Josh?  Before I forget, Cait wanted me to pass on a message," Sam grins.

Before I can ask what, Hannah says, "Oh yeah, that reminds me, CJ?  Sam?  Donna wanted me to ask you guys how Josh's new assistant is doing?  Apparently, she asked Josh, but doesn't quite believe his answer."  She turns to look at me and continues, "She also said that she'd be more than happy to teach Cait a few things about how to deal with your, ah… mood swings, Josh."

Looking at Hannah, I peevishly answer, "Cait's doing fine."  Then turning my attention back to Sam, I ask him to elaborate by saying, "The message, Sam?"

I have a feeling I know the answer already.

"Amy called."  Sam smirks.

How did I know he was going to say that?

Before I can say something, CJ asks, "Sam, why is it that whenever Hannah is anywhere near the vicinity of Josh, you manage to bring Amy into the conversation?"  Now it's my turn to smirk, while Hannah just sits there with an amused and knowing smile.

Toby, on the other hand, does not look amused.

"Is this really something you need to know CJ?"

"Yes Tobias, now shut up.  Sam, answer the question."

"Because it's funny to see Josh squirm."  Sam answers, still smirking.

"And bringing up Amy in front of Hannah does this how exactly?"

"We have history," Hannah pipes up with a mischievous look.

Oh God.

"Okay?"  CJ answers, nodding her head, but not really understanding.

"Amy hates me, and she's also kind of afraid of me too."

CJ just laughs to herself while Toby fights a smile.

I feel the need to defend my girlfriend, as it really doesn't do anything for my image to just sit here while she's being made fun of.

"Actually, I think you'll find it's the other way round.  That is, Hannah's jealous of Amy, not Amy's jealous of her."  Although I know that statement is not true in any way whatsoever.

"Of course Josh, and, pray tell, why it is exactly that I'm jealous of Amy?" she deadpans.

"Well, she was dating Chris," I say as if it should be obvious.

"Really?" she asks in a sarcastic manner.  "Was that before or after Chris and I got married?"

"Well… before."  I'm slowly realising that this may not have been the best possible way to make Amy look good.

"Uh huh…" Hannah answers, moving her hands in front of her, as if asking me to clarify.

"She didn't just date him, she dated him for three years, and also had a considerable amount of sex with your Chris.  Trust me, I know, he was my roommate."

"Ok, so let me get this straight.  I'm jealous of Amy, because she dated Chris before we got married?" she asks, amused.  "Let's forget about the fact that he had been dating Amy for three years before he and I met, and within ten minutes of meeting me, he decided to dump her.  Yeah," she nods, "I can see why I would be the jealous one in that scenario."

"Ok, so you're not jealous of her."  I state in a small voice.

Nope.  Really not the best way to make Amy look good.

"In fact, that probably explains whys she was such a bitch towards Hannah.  And the hate, it definitely explains the hate," Sam adds, as if I had not said a thing.  "Do you even remember what happened, Josh?" 

"Yes?"  I say leaving the word somewhere in the midst of a question and a statement.  I actually do remember, because it was hilarious to watch, but if I act like I don't, then maybe I won't look like such an idiot for defending Amy this way.

"I don't, so someone please spill," CJ says as she sits up, preparing to listen intently.  Even Toby seems interested.

I just groan.  No matter how funny this story is it's not going to help in my defence of Amy.

"Sam, would you like to do the honours?"  Hannah asks, clearly amused by my discomfort.

"Oh no, there's _no_ way I can deprive CJ of your perspective."

"Will someone just tell the story so that we can get back to work?  Because I would really like to finish this goddamn speech and go home."  Toby says, his voice rising in volume with every word.

Trying to finish this conversation already, I speak up, " Amy dated Chris.  Chris then met Hannah and decided to dump Amy.  Amy got pissed, had a hissyfit, made snide comments about Hannah and pissed of Chris in the process.  He then humiliated her for it, so Amy decided to take it out on Hannah, but instead, Hannah made her look like the village idiot.  Repeatedly.  That's it.  End of story.  Nothing else to talk about."

"Hissyfit, Josh?"  Hannah asks, trying but failing miserably from hiding her amusement.  Yup, she's loving my embarrassment.

"K, Josh buddy, you're really not telly the story right," Sam pipes up.  "For starters you're forgetting of course, that Amy was forced to resign her position as a board member for every major women's groups at Harvard, because of her little games with Hannah.  And then had to watch Hannah take her place."

"Well, yeah, ok, there was that."

"I think that also explains the hate," he adds gleefully.

"Look, you know what, jet lag is starting to catch up with me, so why don't we finish the speech and then I can get some sleep?"  Okay, since New Hampshire is the same time zone as DC, and it's only a two-hour flight maximum, I'm thinking she's not really suffering from jet lag.  She's decided that she doesn't want to talk about this.  I have to wonder why?

"Sure," Sam answers, after stealing a look at the expression on Hannah's face and taking the hint.

"Amen," Toby concludes dryly.

*

An hour later, the speech is almost finished.  CJ and Hannah decided to take a break a few minutes ago by getting some fresh air.  I think I might join them.  After walking far too long, I finally find them sitting on a bench in a far corner of the garden.

As I approach, I hear CJ say, "Ok, enough about politics..."

***

"…  I get enough of that from the idiot boys in there."

"No kidding.  So what do you want to talk about?"

"Anything else."

"How are you, CJ?"  I didn't expect her to ask that and I'm not sure that I'm ready to have this conversation.

"I'm fine."  The way I just said that pretty much negates the reason for my saying it.

"CJ," Hannah says with a hint of exasperation in her tone.  "Donna told me about Simon."

If Donna weren't a member of the sisterhood, I'd be kicking her ass right about now.

"I… there's nothing to tell."

I am not ready to do this.  I have no right to do this.  We had one kiss, that's it.

"CJ."  The exasperated tone makes itself present again.

I finally answer slowly, "I have no right to feel like this.  To hurt over him."

"There's no monopoly on who gets to hurt.  Regardless of how long you knew him, you felt something."

"Yeah, well…"

"CJ?" she questions in a soft tone.

"It hurts that I never had the chance to find out what we could have had," I blurt out.

"I know," she says in a soft tone, while avoiding any eye contact.  "The hardest thing to deal with once you lose someone is to live with regret.  Trust me, I know."  This comes out in a quiet voice that I've never heard her use before.

"You still haven't told me about you and Chris."  She jokes about him and acts as if he's still a part of her life, which he is.  She won't date anyone and never talks about him in the deeper sense, at least, not to me.

"I know what you're doing, you know.  The avoidance thing.  I'll let it go for now.  As for Chris and I, there's nothing to tell."

"I got the impression that there's a part of that story that neither Josh or Sam know about."

"There is."

"So?"

"I'm not sure where to start."

"The beginning is always a good place."

"I was sixteen when I met Chris."

"Wait, I thought you met at Harvard?  And I'm pretty sure Josh and Sam know that already."

"We did and they do.  I met Chris when I came to Harvard for my interview, he was there for the week visiting Amy." 

"So, what happened?"

"Josh pretty much said it all earlier.  After we met, he dumped Amy.  I don't think he ever gave her a reason, but she found out through mutual friends.  He started the chase, but quickly realised that I wasn't ready to date someone who was seven years older.  So we became friends."

"Oh, I bet Amy loved that."  I grin, then after a beat, I ask, "So then what?"

"With Chris?  He waited; I mean, he dated, but nothing serious, almost as if he was just passing the time.  Six years after we first met, I let him in and the rest is history."

I notice she didn't mention Amy.

"And Amy?"

"Amy really loved him," she eventually says quietly.  "I guess until I met her I thought they only had a sexual relationship.  Otherwise, how could he walk away from her so easily?  But I met her and realised that it was more for her.  Anyway, instead of seeing a seventeen-year-old girl who was doing everything possible _not_ to get involved with her ex, she saw an arrogant, self-opinionated bitch who stole him away."  A small rueful smile surfaces on her face as she adds light-heartedly, "Although, she wasn't exactly wrong about my being an arrogant, self-opinionated bitch." 

"And?"

She answers with a careless shrug, "She tried to make my life miserable."

"What did Chris and Josh do?"

"They didn't know.  Actually, Josh still doesn't.  They had both graduated two years before I entered Harvard, and so I was stuck with Amy who was in her final year.  They only know about the one stunt she pulled."

"And you didn't feel the need to tell Josh because…?"

"I really didn't need for either Josh or Chris to protect me.  Anyway - and I know the size of my ego is probably glaringly obvious right now - I'm smarter than she was, or rather is; I made sure everything she did backfired."  She pauses for a second and adds in a whispered tone tinged with sadness, "Well, almost everything."  By the look on her face, I'm not sure if I'm meant to have heard that.  "It just annoyed me that my first year at college was spent trying to outwit her.  Although, having said that, she did make life interesting."

"Yeah," I breathe.

"Contrary to what Josh thinks, I've never hated Amy.  Ok, no, that's crap, I did hate her in college, but I don't anymore.  She has many faults, but it's not like she's the devil incarnate," her amusement is apparent in her tone.  "I guess I had an elitist attitude toward her," she continues wistfully, "She was in love with Chris and hurt over how things ended between them.  I couldn't hate her for that, so instead I just felt sorry for her."

"That's very big of you," I joke.

"It's really not," she laughs, "I know I'm coming off sounding like Mother Teresa here, but considering some of the things I did to her, understanding is not one of the terms I would use to describe myself.  I'm serious; I almost got her kicked out of Harvard!  I could have walked away since she was doing a pretty good job of destroying her credibility as a feminist and losing friends all by herself.  I didn't need to add to her humiliation, but I did.  I guess it might have had something to do with the fact that I enjoyed making her look and feel like the ignorant idiot that she was."

"And you're sure you don't hate her?"  I joke.

She goes quiet for a moment, as if contemplating whether she should open herself up further.  "I sometimes got vindictive and malicious and I justified it to myself by believing that she was being pathetic, and I was just doing her a favour by making her realise that, or that she was trying to make my life hell and it was only fair I make her life hell too.  When I was seventeen I hated her, but now I just hate the things I did to her.  I came out looking good from our fights, but I shouldn't have.  Sometimes I went as low as she did."

"I don't think there is a single person here who's never done something underhanded that they regret at one point or another in their life."

"Yeah, but those moments shouldn't be glorified when they happen.  You saw Sam in there; he was literally salivating at the chance to regale that story.  He doesn't realise I'm embarrassed by what I did even if others aren't.  I hate it that sometimes Sam and Josh still think I'm that person, and that I'm still in that place."

"Hannah, what happened exactly?"

She doesn't answer.

I might as well give up on trying to get her to tell me what exactly happened back then, because it's obvious she's not going to talk.  Instead, I try to clarify something else, "So why does Josh think you hate her?"

"Why does he still think I hate her?  I have no idea.  Why did he think I hated her when we were in college?  Besides the fact that I did?  I'm guessing it's because I refused to discuss her whenever we met."

I give her a questioning look.

"You have _no_ idea how bored I would get of listening to college gossip about Amy's latest stunt and what I would be doing in retaliation.  Add to that, I was trying to forget how much of a bitch I could be. So, as you can imagine, I wanted to avoid talking about it at all costs during the vacation period, which incidentally, was the only time Josh and I could meet up.  I think he took my reluctance to talk as a sign that I hated her."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Yes it does, except his perception of how I feel about her is wrong.  After I got over the hate, I sort of thought of what happened between Amy and I as an inconvenient game - which I ultimately won - so trust me when I say this, it _really_ doesn't bother me anymore."

"At all?"

"Well, it irritates me the instant she does anything now, but in the grand scheme of things, not so much, you know, since I do have a life and all.  At seventeen I lied through my teeth and convinced people that she was nothing more than an annoyance, now, I can honestly say that I mean it when I say I don't hate her.  In fact - again, I think my arrogance maybe shining through here – besides feeling sorry for her I don't really have an opinion either way about her.  She's never mattered enough since for me to form one."

"I'm assuming she pulled some pretty bad stunts back in college; what I can't understand is why you haven't told Josh?  I can't imagine him wanting to stay with her after he found out."

"I… he needs to make his own mistakes."

"Yeah," I say as I sigh.

There's a moments silence before I hear a question being asked and realise that I'm the one asking it.

"How did you deal with losing Chris?"  It was said in a whisper, and I still can't believe I asked.

"CJ?"

"I…  I'm…" she cuts me off, realising what it is I need.

"I was at his parents house when they told us that they had lost contact with his plane… and at that moment, when everyone found out, there was just silence.  His mom and dad started calling their friends trying to get information.  I…  I just…"  Her voice just cracked and I feel terrible for bringing this up, but I need to hear this, so I wait for her to continue.  After a moment she softly and slowly starts again, "While everyone was trying to find out if he was alive, I just walked outside and continued to walk until I reached the farthest corner of the garden.  And it's a big garden," she adds as an after thought, letting out a sad chuckle.  "It was December and there was snow everywhere; it was freezing and I didn't even notice…"

***

"…  My whole world collapsed with that one sentence, and instead of waiting to find out if he was alive, I walked away."  She looses herself in thought for a moment.  For someone whose emotions easily play across her face, it scares me a little to realise that I can't read how she's feeling.  "I guess a part of me already knew that he was gone, and so I was too afraid to hope.  Anyway, I sat on a bench covered with snow, and tried to remember every moment we ever shared.  That's all I did.  Our first kiss kept replaying in my mind, over and over and over again."

Hannah stops talking for a minute, trying to compose herself.  I knew this happened; Chris's mom couldn't stop worrying about Hannah, but none of us, except perhaps Leo, knew why.

I look over at CJ and see tears in her eyes, and I'm not sure if she should hear the rest.

But then she asks, "What happened next?"

"A little while later Nick - that's his father - found me.  I realised that… that was it.  It became even more important to remember everything."  Hannah takes a deep breath and continues in a quiet, almost childlike voice.  "I sat there the whole night and finally, at dawn, I got up.  I walked to the kitchen and made coffee.  That was our morning ritual; he would wake up before me - I'm not sure when exactly, but he would wake up - and just watch me.  Then, as I would begin to stir, he'd kiss me and _whisper 'I love you'_ or something, even a simple _'good morning'--_ it didn't matter what, it just sounded great because his voice would have the gravely quality to it.  Anyway, sometime later, I'd get up and make coffee, while he would stay under the covers, not wanting to get out of bed."

A tear escapes from her eyes and all I can do is watch.

"It was like I was on autopilot that morning, I made the coffee and walked upstairs to our bedroom and I _knew_ he wasn't going to be there, but I did it anyway.  I put the cup on the bedside table, and I could see that…that…I could _see_ that he wasn't there…  But still, I walked over to the blinds and opened them and then I walked back to the bed and sat on his side.  _I could see that he wasn't there_, but for some reason, like always, I pushed back the covers.  And at that moment…  I…I, my heart broke."  She whispers the final words and I see more tears slide down her cheeks and I wish to God I could do something for her.

I watched her go through this, but I never _knew_ she went through _this._

I watch something register in CJ's expression and I want to go and hold them both.  But before I can make a move, Hannah starts to speak again.

"That's when I finally cried, but it hurt so much that I couldn't make any sounds."  She pauses a beat before continuing, "I know you're looking for answers, CJ, but I don't have them.  I don't know if you'll find someone else, or even if you'll ever want to, all I know is that it'll hurt for a long time and you have to let it, and in the meantime, I'm here."

"Yeah," CJ sighs.  "Does it still… for you?"

"He was the one CJ, it always will."

Silence reigns as both CJ and I try to digest the wealth of information Hannah just passed onto us. 

"We should get back," CJ breaks through my haze.  She gets up to leave and turns back to see Hannah still sitting on the bench.  "Do you need a minute?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you inside," she answers softly.

"Ok," CJ says, in a similar tone with a brief smile.

I stay behind with Hannah, replaying everything she just said in my head, trying to figure out why she never said any of those things to me.

"You know, I won't bite if you decide to come sit with me instead of standing way over there."  Her voice startles me.

"You knew?"  I say as I join her on the bench.

"Yeah."

"Why did you never tell me any of that?"  I ask in a soft tone so that she knows that I'm not angry with her.

"I just did."

"Hannah."

She takes a minute to answer.

"Every night, I lie there for a while staring at his side of the bed and every morning I wake up and I don't hear his voice.I know it's irrational, but my memories of him are mine, and my biggest fear is that if I talk about him, the memories will just… dissipate.  That they won't be something special just he and I shared.  I lost him once already, I don't have it in me to go through that again."

I just sit here, wishing that I could take the pain away.

"I miss him," she whispers.  I take her in to my arms and hold her as she cries against my chest because I have no idea what else to do.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you love Amy?"

"Hannah," I say in a weary tone.  I really don't think now is the time to be having this conversation.

"I know I said that I wouldn't interfere, and I'm not, but please just listen."  I sigh and nod for her to continue.  "You heard the part about regrets, right?"

"Yeah."

She moves out of my arms and avoids looking at me as she softly continues, "When I first knew for sure, that he had died, for a second I wished…  I wished that I never met him or that I didn't love him, or that I didn't love him as much as I did, because then maybe losing him wouldn't hurt so much."

I don't know what to say.  I know how much she loved him, still loves him, and I can't imagine her not wanting to.

"I wouldn't let myself grieve for him, for some reason I just couldn't.  So instead, my mind kept on focusing on all the times we could have been together and weren't," she says slowly.  "Do you know why denial is always so inviting?  Because it provides the illusion of a safety net, there's an underlying belief that if you don't say it out loud, if you refuse to acknowledge it, then it won't be true and you won't be hurt by it.  The irony of it is that denial is not much of anything, and, in the end, it just hurts more."

"Yeah," I breathe.

"Josh, you and I are too much alike, and I know how much it's killing me inside, everyday, with the regret that I didn't let him into my life sooner.  That I knew him for six years, at least during three of which I _knew_ I had feelings for him, and I did nothing because I was afraid of acknowledging that just one person could mean that much.  That, that _one_ person could hold that much power over me, but the thing that terrified me the most, is that one person could break me.  He could actually break me.  Regrets are a pain in the ass, Josh, so please don't make the same mistake I did.  If she's not the one - and I know you know if she is or isn't - walk away."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet."

"Why?"

"I don't know."  I wish I did.  I know what Hannah is trying to get me to understand, and I do, but I'm just not there yet, and I can't walk away until I'm absolutely sure I know why it is I am.

"Josh, if the most important person in your life died tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?"

"I…"  I have no idea who that person is, let alone what regrets I would have.

"You want to know what I think it would be?  That you didn't tell her how you felt."

I honestly have no idea what to say to that.

"I…  I--"

"Ok," she says, stopping me from trying to fumble my way through an answer.

"Is that all you have to say?"  I know it's not and unless I ask, she won't tell me.

"No," she says softly, "But you're obviously not ready to hear the rest yet."

"You'll tell me when I am?"

"You bet your ass I will."  She says, finally smiling.

*

We're walking back to the Roosevelt Room and it occurs to me that I need to ask her something, "Hey Hannah?  Why is it that you never talk about Donna with me?"

"Regrets, Joshua."  I stop dead in my tracks.  Why is it that the women in my life always say something that leaves me speechless, and then walk away?

TBC…


	9. 8a

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1__**

**_Previously_**…

"Ok, so Amy."

"Yeah."

"Why are you with her?"

**Chapter** **8a**

***

_July_ _2002_

***

"Hey, Josh?"  I say leaning against his doorframe.  Just as he finishes his conversation on the phone,  "CJ and I are going to get some drinks, do you want to come with?" 

He begins to put on his coat, and answers, "Sorry Sam, I can't.  Some other time maybe?"

"Sure.  Who was that on the phone?  And why the rain check?"

"Donna, and Amy, respectively."

Oh.

"Ok."

"Yeah, Amy and I haven't really seen each other in the last couple of months so..."

I have no idea what's going on between Josh and Amy.  For the record, I have absolutely no problem with that.  Unless of course, he decides to propose, but since I don't envisage that happening I'm not really losing sleep over it.  There's also the little fact that both Hannah and CJ would kick his ass into the next millennium if he even thought about it.

And as for Josh and Donna?

Donna has been gone for a couple of weeks now and I thought for sure that Josh would have shown signs of missing her, but for some reason, he doesn't seem fazed.

For some reason that troubles me.

Should I ask him about Donna?  I know that Hannah left me strict instructions not to - something about lessons, mistakes and regrets - but really, if left to his own devices, the chances of any realisations are realistically slim to none.

The guy is my best friend, a Fulbright Scholar and all, but, let's face it, in matters of the heart he's an idiot.  Totally oblivious to what's right in front of him, or, well, currently somewhere on the campaign trail.

Hannah isn't the one who has to stay here and suffer through Amy.  Now I realise that I haven't actually had to spend any time with Amy recently and come to think of it, Hannah's probably spent more time with Amy than I have, but still, the idea of Josh and Amy is enough.

You're wondering why all the hate, aren't you?

After Hannah's reluctance to talk about Amy a few days ago, I did some checking.  Some of the things that Amy did while they were in college were way below the belt, but I thought, 'what the hell, people can change, grow even.'  And then, of course, I talked to Hannah, it took a little while for me to get her to talk, but once she did, it pretty much destroyed any chance of my accepting Amy, in any way.  The part of me that sees Hannah as a sister really wants to kick Amy's ass so far…  you know what?  I don't have words for what I want to do to her.  And I'm the Deputy Communications Director; it's my job to be able to craft a creative image with words.

I want to tell Josh what kind of a – for lack of a better term – person, he's dating, but there's a reason Hannah made me promise not to and hasn't herself.  I have to respect that.

It doesn't mean I can't work other angles.

So that's what I'm going to do.  Work other angles.

*

Josh and I are waiting in the Operations bullpen for CJ, when I decide what angle to pursue.  

In case you haven't guessed already, it's Donna.  She's the angle.

"How is Donna?"  I'm aiming for a causal tone.

"She's good."  Apparently so is he.

"She's good."  He seems to be taking the news well.  "That's it?"  Because really, there's has to be more than that.  I _know_ there's more to that.

"Sam, she's your friend too, you could call her yourself, you know," he says with a grin.

He's playing hardball.  But then again, did I really expect anything else?  Just one other thing, 'hardball?'  Even in MY head that sounded stupid.

"Yeah, she is my friend and I do call her, I just haven't today," I reason.

CJ's voice interrupts us before Josh can answer.  "Hey Fred and Ethel."

"I think she means us," Josh says in a mock whisper.

CJ ignores Josh.  Facing me, she continues, "Sam, Toby's gonna meet us there.  Joshua, are you coming with?"

"No, I'm meeting Amy," Josh answers as we walk out back through the bullpen.

"Toby's coming?"  I didn't know Toby was coming.  Not that I mind or anything. 

CJ decides to ignore my completely reasonable question and turns to talk to Josh. "Bring her along."

CJ!

What the hell were you thinking!?!

***

What the hell was I thinking?

I can tell Sam's not happy that I just invited Amy to join us.  Don't even think about asking where that came from, because seriously, I have absolutely no idea.

Please say no, please say no, _please_ say no.

"You sure?"

He's not going to say no.  Great.  I go for what I hope sounds like a sincere tone and reply, "Sure, I mean she is your girlfriend and has yet to, you know, spend any time with your friends."

I can't believe I managed to say that with a straight face.

Also, I'm trying to make sure that Josh does not look at Sam right now, since Sam looks like he's about to have an aneurysm any moment now, that, or he's constipated.  I'm pretty sure once Josh leaves, Sam is gonna be throwing a few choice words in my direction.

"Ok, well, I'll get Amy and meet you at…"

I could lie.

"The usual."  Just in case you're wondering, I didn't lie.

I should have lied.

***

"Tonight is a disaster waiting to happen."

Well duh, CJ.  We're seated in a quite corner of the bar, waiting for Josh and Amy to arrive.

"I could have told you that."  I think I may have been spending too much time with Josh recently because I'm willing to bet that my tone may sound slightly superior right now.

I have to say though, what can it say for their relationship, if when presented with the opportunity to spend an evening alone with his girlfriend and getting, well, reacquainted, (in the biblical sense), Josh chooses to instead spend the night with his friends?  Especially considering the fact that he hasn't spent any real time with her in the part two months.

"Whose half cocked idea was it to invite Amy?"  Toby asks.

I just point at CJ, since I have absolutely no problem in laying the blame for this catastrophe-in-waiting at her feet.  She glares at me for a moment and then turns her attention back to Toby.

"I didn't think you had any opinion on Amy."

"I don't, but obviously you and Sam do.  You two aren't exactly her biggest fans.  Hell, it doesn't take a genius to guess that spending an evening getting drunk with Amy is not a good idea."

Thank you, Toby.

"Tell me something I don't know, Toby."  CJ mutters.

If she knew it was a bad idea, why the hell did she invite her in the first place?  I certainly can't think of a valid explanation.  

And I realise that asking these questions in my head is not going to get me any answers.

"So why did you tell Josh to invite her too?"  Toby asks.

I was just about to ask that.  I'm thinking that Toby and I may be sharing a brain tonight, considering that he seems to be verbalising all my thoughts.  And yes, that is a scary thought.

"Ok, don't get mad at me, but…"

Oh God, she doesn't even have a reason.  How can she not have a reason?  Because, I mean, really, if you're going to do something that dumb, you should at least have a reason.

"CJ, you of all people should know that starting a sentence that way pretty much guarantees that whoever is not supposed to get mad is going to get mad.  And, just for the record, I'm already mad at you."

"I don't actually know why, I just sort of did," she finishes with what I think is meant to pass for a sheepish expression.

I knew it.  I so knew that.

Before I can say anything, Toby says, "Well, I'm guessing this evening is gonna go one of three ways, highly entertaining, extremely awkward, or boring."

"What, couldn't find an adjective to go with boring, Toby?"

Again, I'm ignored as he continues to say, "I'm betting on two out of three, and that's the first two - at least for me - for the two of you however, tomorrow is not going to be a good day," he concludes looking at CJ.  He the faces me and raises an eyebrow.  "Adjectives, Sam?  Did you start drinking at the office?"

I ignore Toby as I notice Josh coming in with Amy, who, by the way, does not look happy.

Let the nightmare begin.

***

What the hell is CJ talking about?

I've been here for half an hour, listening to CJ, Sam and Toby avoid talking about anything work related, or at least anything of consequence.  So far, Toby has spoken a total of ten words, Sam spent twenty minutes talking about how he hasn't eaten a decent cookie in months - I would say he's drunk, but he's only had two drinks - and CJ has spent the past ten minutes explaining in excruciating detail, the plot of a movie that could not have been designed for the viewing pleasure of any sane man.  

"So, once she's written all over Ewan McGregor's dead body in ink, naked dead body - and I mean ALL over, everywhere-"

"We get the point.  CJ, do you really have to finish this?"

"Yes, Tobias, now shut up.  Anyway, once she's written all over him--" CJ glares at Toby and me as we groan in frustration, but continues to talk undeterred, "-- she buries him, but the evil gay guy digs up his body and de-skins him, and when I say he de-skins him, I mean all of him, every little bit.  They actually show all this--"

It's safe to say that CJ's a little tipsy right now.

"Wait, so Ewan is in love with the girl, but sleeps with the gay publisher at her request, so that her book can get published.  But then she's disgusted that he had sex with another man - even though she asked him to - so she dumps him, he commits suicide, she realises she loves him, writes all over his dead body and buries him?"  Amy asks incredulously.

You can see why I have no interest in this movie.

"You forgot the part about the gay guy digging up Ewan's dead body and de-skinning it, but pretty much, Yep."  Thanks for the recap CJ.

"Wow, ok so what happens once he gets skinned?"  How can Sam seriously be interested in this?

For the sake of my sanity I need to get away, so before CJ can answer, I say, "I'm gonna get another drink, anyone else want something?"

There's a chorus of no's as Toby says, "Yeah, I think I'll join you too."  As we walk to the bar, and out of Amy's hearing distance Toby states, "I don't think that we should hide out at the bar for too long."

Why not?  It seems like a good plan to me.

"Care to elaborate?"

"I think leaving Sam and Amy together for a long period of time without someone to chaperone is a disaster waiting to happen."

"CJ's with them.  And anyway, why is it a disaster waiting to happen?"  I ask as I get another drink.

"CJ's not exactly sober right now, and in any event, I'm not so sure that she would stop Sam.  It's more likely that she would help him, or at the very least, encourage him.  If you can't tell why, then you really are an idiot."  And then he mumbles to himself, "What am I saying, I already know he's an idiot."

"I heard that."

"Considering I said it out loud and didn't just think it, I'm really not surprised."  He puts his hand up as a pre-emptive gesture - because he knows what I'm about to say - and continues on, "I'm not saying anything except that we shouldn't leave them alone for too long."

"If it's such a disaster in waiting, why did you come to the bar with me instead of keeping an eye on them?"

"Do I look like a babysitter to you?"

"No."

"Ok then."

As Toby and I walk back, I watch Sam, CJ and Amy while they talk.  I'm getting the distinct feeling that Sam and CJ do not like Amy.  I can read body language, you know.  It's one of the necessary tools which a skilled political operative needs to master.

Why do I suddenly have a terrible feeling about the rest of the night?

TBC…


	10. 8b

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1**

**_Previously_**…

Anyway, then we found out that Amy accepted Stackhouse's job offer.  

Why do I suddenly have a terrible feeling about the rest of the night?

**Chapter 8b**

"Hey Spanky, who's your friend?  And why haven't you called her today?" 

Josh and Toby have just come back.  I'm betting that Toby only went to make sure Josh didn't spend the rest of the evening hiding out at the bar.  Although, my detailed account of 'The Pillow Book's plot might have had something to do with it.  Can I help it if Josh and Toby - maybe not so much Toby - are more squeamish than a little girl?  No.  I have to say though; the pained expressions on their faces were priceless.

"What?"  Sam looks so adorable when he's confused.

"Earlier, you said to Josh, 'she's my friend…"

"Oh, right.  Right, we were talking about Donna."

As soon as he says Donna, I reflexively look at Amy - discreetly of course - if she has any insecurity about Donna; she's hiding them well.  But then again, Amy has never really seen them together, so she has no way of knowing what the two of them are really like.

I wonder if Josh knows about Donna's plans, or rather, possible plans?

"How is she?"  Toby asks.

Sam answers, "She's fine, she's having fun out there."

Yeah, she really is, but I think it might have a lot more to do with a certain someone than the campaign itself.

We all sit here awkwardly for a moment, not knowing what to talk about when Sam asks, "I wonder what job Hannah will give her after re-election."

I wonder what he's playing at.

"Who?"  Toby asks.

"Donna.  What do you think Hannah will have her do?  I mean, there's no way she'll just let Donna go back to being Josh's assistant."

Still have absolutely no idea where's he's going with this.  But hey-- oh wait, Amy's opening her mouth, or well, trying to.

"That's awfully presumptuous of you, to think that you'll be back in the White House come January."

She did not just say that.

She.  Did.  Not.  Just.  Say.  That.

For anybody that could not guess, the idiot who just said that was Amy.

Amy.

Cue the disgust.

I look around the table to see that Amy has a blank expression on her face, but you can tell from her eyes that she's trying to hide how smug and superior she really feels.  Josh looks like he's living through ten kinds of hell, Sam's quietly spewing venom, Toby's mentally changing his opinion of Ms. Idiot - that's what I'm calling her from now on, Ms. Idiot - and I'm trying to think of the best way to impart the wrath of the sisterhood on her.  

I wonder if I should call Hannah, we could come up with a plan.  I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but Hannah and I are a deadly combination, a force to be reckoned with.  I'm thinking that we could come up with a suitable punishment for Ms. Idiot.  We should get Donna to join us too.  Donna can be quite devious when she wants to be.  Yes!  Hannah, Donna and I are going to come up with a plan to… to…  I have no idea what it is we're gonna to do to Ms. Idiot, but it will not be pretty.  

No siree.  Not pretty at all.

I'm getting bored with the 'Ms. Idiot' thing.  I'll come up with a better name later, but right now I have to put Ms. Idiot in her place.  We really can't let her get away with saying that.

However, before Sam or I can object and let her have it, Toby calmly retorts, "And what, you think that either Ritchie or Stackhouse will?  Are you telling me that you honestly believe either of those--"  Careful Toby, do not give her a quote.  "--That either of them will replace President Bartlet in the White House in the next four years?"

Good boy, even though you didn't let her have it.

Also, I'd like to congratulate myself on the fact that, even though I'm slightly inebriated right now, I still did the Press Secretary thing back there.  You know, with Toby and the quote.

"I think that the voters are going to wake up to the fact that Bartlet is not--"

"President Bartlet."  Sam corrects automatically.

"What?"  Amy, do you have a problem with hearing as well as talking?

"It's President Bartlet, not Bartlet."

Amy looks like she could not possibly care less.  

Oh, Hannah and I are gonna have so much fun kicking her ass.

Ms. Idiot continues, "I think that with every passing day, the difference between President Bartlet and Ritchie is becoming less exaggerated. This White House has managed to create more problems than it has fixed. You guys are treading water. You've compromise when you shouldn't, and managed to screw the people who put you here. They'll remember that come November."

Well, at least we know the way they are going to run their election campaign.

I'm thinking maiming is not out of the question.  The de-skinning thing that I saw in the movie is actually looking like a good idea, too.  I wonder what equipment I would need?

While I'm mentally preparing a list of all the things I would need to carry out the previously mentioned act, which in no doubt would land me in prison, Toby decides to verbally challenge Ms. Idiot.

"Did you just say that the President--" 

"You know what?  Let's drop this.  Amy?  Toby?"  Josh interrupts in a tone that leaves no room for discussion.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joshua Lyman finally speaks.

And to say what?  Absolutely nothing.

Mr. Idiot!

***

I didn't know that I had this kind of self control, because I'm seriously ready to forget the fact she's my girlfriend and-- and--

She cannot possibly think all of that.  Can she?

She can't possibly have such a low opinion of us, of me.  What the hell is she doing with me if she does?

***

I'm still trying to decide who the bigger idiot is.  Amy, for having no common decency and respect for anyone's beliefs but her own, or Josh, for dating her.  

How can she honestly think any of that?

The faster she's out of Josh's life - and by extension our lives - the better.  How can I make that happen?

The Donna angle.

I should go back to working the Donna angle.  My mind, preoccupied with Amy and her vitriol, ignored the fact that Josh doesn't know of Donna's plans.  Maybe I should inform him.  I'm sure Donna won't mind.

I interrupt the uncomfortable silence by asking, "So CJ, have you spoken to Donna lately?" 

CJ's looking at me like I've just grown two heads, or I could be seeing things, I think I'm a little intoxicated.  The thing is, I know she has - talked to Donna recently that is - we were talking about this earlier today.  I'm hoping that she'll pick up on where I'm trying to go with this and help me out.

"Yeah, but you know tha-- oh, wait, I mean yeah, yeah, I talked to her yesterday.  Did she tell you about the thing?"

Good girl.

"Yeah, she did.  So what do you think, about the thing?  Do you think she ought to?  I think maybe she should."  Just to clarify, I don't really think she should.

Josh seems to be a little lost in thought, I don't think he realises who it is CJ and I are talking about.

Ok, Toby, I need you to be, you know, you, and ask 'what the hell it is we're talking about'.  And if possible, can you get Josh's attention while doing it?

Right on cue, and with the right amount of irritation and volume to get Josh's attention, he says, "What the hell are you two talking about?"  

Thank you Toby.

"Donna," CJ answers.

"What about Donna?"  Welcome to the conversation Josh.

"Nathan's proposal," CJ answers with a tone that says he should know this already but realising he doesn't, that maybe she should have stayed quiet.

By the way CJ, 'Nathan's proposal'- that's perfect!

"Wait, Nathan proposed already?  They've only been together what, two months?  And he's proposed already?"  

Josh is rattled and he has this other look that I just can't place.  I think everyone at this table knows him well enough to know that the incredulous look and tone he's portraying is a mask for his true feelings.  Well, everyone except him.  Also, Amy just became interested in the conversation.

This is working out just perfectly.

"No you idiot, he didn't propose.  He actually happens to really like Donna, so proposing after only knowing her for a few months is not exactly the best way to--"

"CJ, some time today," Toby interrupts with a hint of exasperation in his voice.

"He asked her to move to London with him--"

"Now?"  Josh's voice just went really high there.  "Does he not understand that she's in the middle of a re-election campaign?"

Oh, he's really not liking this.

"If you had let me finish, you would've heard the part where the move would be after re-election.  He asked her to move to London with him in December.  For a year."

"Oh.  What did she say?"  Anyone who didn't know Josh, wouldn't hear the quiet desperation in his voice.  

I wonder if Amy can?

"She hasn't decided, but I'm thinking that if she says yes, then the proposal isn't far behind, and I can't think of a reason for her saying no.  From what I can gather, she seems to really like him.  So maybe, this time next year, Donna will no longer be Donnatella Moss but instead, Donnatella Moss-Spencer.  Mrs. Nathan Aaron Spencer.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Nice touch.

CJ, you are a genius.

Maybe this evening wasn't such a disaster after all.

***

Ok, so now he's thinking about Donna, I'm pretty sure he's not going to analyse why it is he feels so awful.

As much as Sam and I would love that, right now he needs to concentrate on Ms. Idiot.  More specifically, why he needs to dump her ass.

***

She's thinking of moving?  

Let's be clear about this, she's thinking of moving to London.

To London!

How could she not have told me this?  It's not like we don't talk anymore.  How could she not have told me?

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"  I'm irritated, I wonder if they can tell.

"Where did you go just now?"

Where did I go?  Where did _I_ go?  It's not me that's going anywhere.  That would be Donna.

I have no idea what to say to CJ, so I settle on a vague, "What?"  

"I've been calling your name for the past minute, where were you?  Never mind, I'm getting another drink, you want anything?"  CJ asks, as she gets ready to walk to the bar.

"No."

I wander what else Donna 'forgot' to mention.  I should talk to CJ.  Alone.  I should go to the bar with her.

Wait; is it safe to leave Amy, Toby and Sam alone?

More importantly, do I really give a damn right now?

"Hey CJ, wait up, I'll help you."  Once we're at the bar, I ask without permeable, "How long have you known?"

CJ looks at me briefly, it's as if she's deciding how much to tell me.

"CJ," I prompt.

She sighs and says, "A week."

"A week?"  I'm deceptively calm right now.  Although why I'm deceptively calm, instead of being actually calm, is beyond me.  In point of fact it's really not, but I'm not thinking about that right now.

"Josh, I think what Donna is or is not doing should be your last concern right now."

CJ's known a week.  A whole week!  Donna's thinking of moving to London and she didn't think to tell me.  I thought she didn't really have any strong feelings for this guy.  What was it she said?

………_'I_ _mean_ _he's_ _great,_ _he's_ _funny,_ _smart,_ _kind_ _and_ _everything_ _I_ _always_ _thought_ _I_ _wanted_.  _But_ _there's_ _just_ _something_ _missing_.  _You_ _know_?' ………

How could she even consider moving anywhere with this guy?

I should get back into the conversation.  What did CJ just say?  Oh yeah I remember.  "CJ, What are you talking about?"

"Amy."

I do not want to talk about this right now.

"CJ," I say in a tone that I hope conveys how much I don't want to be talking about this.

"Josh, what are you doing?  Less than half an hour ago you sat there and listened to Amy belittle not just the President, but also, all of us.  She has absolutely no respect for us, or more importantly you.  She said all that and you just sat there, you just sat there, Joshua.  You didn't defend the President, you didn't defend Leo, hell you didn't even defend yourself, and instead you just sat there.  When did you become that guy?"

What is it with women throwing labels at me?

"CJ."  

"Why are you with her?" 

I have a feeling of déjà vu as I recall a similar conversation with Sam.

"I don't want to end this for something as transient as politics," I reply almost automatically.

"Transient?"  The amusement is evident in her voice.  Her tone changes and becomes soft, to take a more reflective note as she continues, "Josh, politics is anything but transient.  Your current job?  Yes.  A political argument?  Definitely yes.  But something as entrenched as political beliefs, or how you chose to act on them?  No, not so much."

"I just…"

"Ok, this is what we're gonna do.  You are going to take Ms. Idiot over there--"

"Ms. Idiot, CJ?"  I smirk.  Yes, I know she's my girlfriend, but really, that title seems…  I don't know, fitting?

"Shut up.  You're gonna take her home and then meet me at your place."

"Why?"

"Because Mi Amore, we need to talk."

TBC…


	11. 8c

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** **in** **part** **1**

**_Previously_**…

"Josh, what are you doing?  Less than half an hour ago you sat there and listened to Amy belittle not just the President, but also, all of us.  She has absolutely no respect for us, or more importantly you…"

"CJ."  

"Why are you with her?" 

"I just…"

"Ok, this is what we're gonna do.  You are going to take Ms. Idiot over there… you're gonna take her home and then meet me at your place."

"Why?"

"Because Mi Amore, we need to talk."

**Chapter 8c**

Not wanting to go home, I've spent the past hour walking aimlessly around the capitol.  I still honestly have no idea how it is I'm supposed to feel after what happened with Amy tonight.  I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I'm not anything.  My thoughts are mixed up in my head and I have no way of sorting through them.  To be honest, I'm not even trying.  I'm just walking around without any kind of direction.  I know I should get back to CJ but I have no idea what it is she expects me to say.  If I did, I'm pretty sure I would have said it by now.  Also, I love her like a sister but this is not something I can talk to her about.  

I finally decide that there's no point in putting this off any longer, so I make my way home expecting to find CJ on my doorstep ready to kick my ass for standing her up.  Only it's not her sitting there. 

So naturally, the first thing I ask is, "Where's CJ?"

"'Hey Hannah, how are you?'  Or, 'Hey you look really good.  California suits you.'  Or even a simple 'Hi,' would have killed you?"

"It might have."

"You know Joshua, your people skills are seriously lacking in grace," she responds with a teasing tone.

"Hey Hannah, how are you?  You look really good, California suits you."  My voice is monotone, but the smirk is in place so she knows that I'm teasing too.

"I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to show a little interest in my well being."  After a beat she adds, "And stop smirking."

"Duly noted," I say as I join her on the step.  "You didn't answer, where's CJ?"  

"She wasn't doing so well, so I took her home."

And CJ mocks my system.

"Ok, that explains CJ, so what are you doing here?"

"Here on your door step?  Or here in DC?"

"Either.  Let's start with here in DC.  Aren't you supposed to be in California?"

"Relax, Josh.  All the convention preparations are coming along fine.  Anything urgent that needed to be taken care of already has been.  Since, you know, I'm efficient like that"

The Democratic National Convention is in three weeks and Hannah has been in California for the past two days taking care of some of the arrangements.  The planning seems less hectic this time around, but that may have something to do with the fact that I'm not responsible for it.  Or it could be that Toby hasn't been given the opportunity to work everyone into an early grave.  Also, he has yet to complain about the Presidents speech, which by the way was not written by him.  Instead, Elizabeth - a speechwriter Hannah hired after Doug left - wrote it.  I think Sam has a thing for her, for Beth, not Hannah.  Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah…

"I wasn't stressing and that still doesn't explain what you're doing here."

"DC?" she asks, knowing that's not what I meant.  "Did you know that I've been back here - in the US - almost two months and I still haven't seen Chris's parents?  They're a little pissed about that."  I give her a look that shows how shocked I'm really not.  "Anyway, I told Kate that I'd meet her and Nick for breakfast tomorrow, so here I am."

"So, why are you _here_, on my doorstep, because, from what I remember, you have a ridiculously expensive apartment - that you never seem to have the opportunity to use - waiting for you."

"It's not 'ridiculously expensive,' it's value for money.  It's a very spacious and elegant place," she answers with a pout.  Pouting is not inherent to her nature, so she looks acutely more adorable when she uses that particular weapon.  And trust me, that's what it is.

"Ok fine, it's value for money," I concede, since, it is.

"See, now your just humouring me, but I'll take it.  So, what was the question again?"  Before I can recap, she remembers and answers, "Oh yeah, CJ called, she was incoherent, so it wasn't really hard to tell that she'd had a little to drink."  And then with a smug grin she adds, "You guys are such lightweights." 

"Ok, first, I am not a 'lightweight' - as you so cleverly put it - I can drink with the best of them," I say with righteous indignation.  "Second, pot calling kettle black.  You're not exactly capable of handling a lot of alcohol either, you know."

"Considering I don't actually drink, that's not surprising is it?" she asks with a satisfied tone.

"Point granted, but I'm not a lightweight."

"Fine, live with the delusion, I have absolutely no problem with that."  She puts her hand up to stop my protests before they can begin and, with a puzzled look, continues on, "Anyway, she started talking about maiming and de-skinning, asking what equipment she would need."  She pauses for a moment looking to me for clarification.  I can take a guess as to what CJ was referring to, but since I would have to mention that bizarre movie I think I'll keep my mouth shut.  I shrug my shoulders instead.  "Then she told me that she was here, waiting for you."

"Yeah, she kept on switching from completely sober to totally smashed when we were at the bar."

"Somehow, I don't think she was that inebriated."

"So I may have exaggerated a little," I say sheepishly, or as close to sheepish as I can get.

"May have?" she asks with a smile and then she gets that look of remembrance and exclaims, "'The Pillow Book.'  It sounded like she was describing scenes from 'The Pillow Book.'"

"The Pillow Book?"

"Yeah, it has Ewan--"

"Wait, you've seen _that_?"

"Yeah, it had a deliciously naked Ewan McGregor."  She looks bewildered.  I don't think she realises that I have no interest in a naked Ewan, in any naked man, for that matter.  "Granted, the film was a little noir, but it was strangely fascinating.  Besides, naked Ewan more than made up for it," she finishes, grinning.

"I don't even wanna know," I answer shaking my head and then look up to see her satisfied smirk.  I realise belatedly that she was just amusing herself with my embarrassment.  "You think you're so funny, don't you?"

"To think would imply that I didn't already know," she says, evidently pleased with herself.  "Back on topic, I didn't think it was in CJ's best interest to be sitting _alone_ on your doorstep this late at night."  She stops to glare at me.  Yeah, I guess standing up a drunk Press Secretary on the doorstep of the Deputy Chief of Staff, no less, may not have been the best course of action.  In my defence though, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly back then.  "So I took a detour and came to pick her up," she finishes with a careless shrug.

"Detour?  Where were you originally going?"

"To see Leo."

"So you took CJ home instead.  Why come back here?  Why not go and see Leo?"  I can guess what her answer will be.

"CJ told me what happened tonight.  You know, at the bar with Amy.  She was rambling most of the time but, as she began telling me about the night, she became more lucid and clear."

No surprise there.

"She also said something about a talk.  Actually, she was quite insistent about that."

I look away, trying to avoid the inevitable direction this conversation is going to take.  I know that during the remaining course of this evening, I will be expected to confront all the feelings I can't seem to explain or even understand, but I'm not comfortable with doing it right now.  Thank God Hannah realises my unwillingness to deal with this just yet and decides to let me off the hook.

I can practically hear her mind buzzing through all the possible things we can talk about to fill the silence.  It's quite entertaining to watch all her thoughts wash across her face; she still has that innocent quality about her.  Her idealism isn't tainted by politics.  She's been in the business long enough to understand the kind of compromises that have to be made for even the smallest of victories, but it still hasn't enervated her.  She's never had the perfunctory attitude that seems to consume Amy.  Amy is what happens when you have idealism not tempered by the understanding that certain compromises have to be made.

"Oh, guess what?"  It's cute the way she says that with the kind of excitement I've only ever seen a four year old display.  It really is quite endearing how she literally plays the role of little sister when she feels I need it.  "You are _so_ gonna get a kick out of this, Nick and Kate are planning to attend the convention."

Grateful for the change in topic, I play along.  "Really?"

"That's not all.  They're donating and Nick said that he would rally for any of the administrations policies that he agreed with," she says with a certain amount of pride.

Ok, so she's right, I am getting a kick out of this.  "Chris's parents?  We are talking about the same people right?  Your in-laws?  Chris's extremely Conservative parents are going to be at a convention in support of a Liberal Democrat and they're gonna donate to his campaign?"  I ask in amazement, to which she gives a radiant smile.  

"You finally managed to tempt them away from the dark side, huh?"  I smirk.

She answers through her laughter, "I think it has more to do with the fact that they think Ritchie is an asshole.  That and they know I'm a part of the re-election campaign.  Also, they actually like the President."

"They've met him?"  She just gives me a look conveying how stupid that question is.  I hadn't met the President back then but I clearly remember Chris telling me how he spent a nerve-wracking day being interrogated by Hannah's Godfather and favourite uncle.  His nervous state was compounded by the fact that the President - then Governor - intended to put his parents through the same process.  Considering they're Republicans and all, it seemed fair.  "So, they think the President is the right man to run the country.  Who would've thought?"

"No."

"No?"

"They think Leo's the right man to run the country."  Yeah, she idolises Leo even more than I do.

"They do realise that it's not Leo running for the presidency, right?"

"Don't be an ass, you know what I meant.  The President is kind of like the icing on a cake.  You guys - You, CJ, Toby, Sam - you're the ingredients and Leo's the cook."

Ok, I have to laugh at that, because seriously, that's just awful.  "I wouldn't let the President hear you refer to him as a piece of decoration.  And Leo, a cook?"

"Stop smirking, I know that's a terrible metaphor--"

"Understatement."

"Shut-up.  My point was, they realise the President's the guy at the top but that Leo's the guy who makes things work."

"Yeah, well, not according to Amy."  Acrimony was definitely lacing my tone there.

Also, yes, I know, I just took this conversation to a place I did not want it to go.

"If it's any consolation, I don't think she truly believes what she said tonight.  Well, not all of it," she says softly.

Incredulous, and with a certain amount of anger in my voice, I answer, "Yeah, and that's why she sat there and told us how this administration has no backbone with the same amount of fervour she used to fight the welfare bill."

"That wasn't your girlfriend talking," she states calmly.

"Really?  Because she looked and sounded like Amy," I utter condescendingly.

"No, what I meant was--" Hannah struggles for a minute to find the correct way to convey what she means.  Finally, she sighs, "What I meant was, at that moment, she wasn't Amy your girlfriend, but Amy Gardner, a senior member of Stackhouse's campaign staff.  And she wasn't sitting with her boyfriend's friends having a drink; she was there with the Senior Staff of the current administration.  An administration, I should add, she just lost a major battle with.  She was trying to bait you guys."

"She was invited as my girlfriend," I argue.

"Yeah, well, Amy has problems switching off her political side in personal situations."

"I can attest to that."  Having no other response I revert back to my silent state, during which I process everything Hannah just said, when something occurs to me.  "Campaign staff?"

"Ummm?"

"You said campaign staff.  I thought he hired her as a consultant for his Senate staff.  When did she become a part of his Campaign?  And, more to the point, you think he's going to challenge the President?  It's not a little late in the game for that maybe?"

"He promoted her.  She didn't tell you?"  She takes a look at my expression and answers her own question, "I guess not.  Stackhouse moved Richard's from his Federal Office to Campaign Staff.  Amy still consults for him but she's also now Debate Prep Manager.  He needs her as part of his Federal Staff to draw up support from women and figures she'd be a useful asset to his Campaign."

"How did I not know that?"

Hannah refrains from answering that question and continues to answer a previous one.

"As for his challenging the President, he's gonna threaten to run as an independent and take the left with him, thereby giving him enough clout to make demands on the President.  He'll ask for a cabinet position in the next administration, causing problems left, right and centre," she answers absently.  "I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the September debates, he'll want in.  Amy's already started making waves about his success in the district court."

I can tell from her demeanour, that she's not taking him seriously.  "You don't think he's a threat, do you?"

"He's an old coot, Josh, who seems to think that he has more power than he actually does."

"Yeah, and he's gonna try and challenge the leader of his party.  I don't have to tell you that this is a headache we really don't need.  This election is gonna be close enough as it is."

"Unless we do something monumentally stupid, it's really not.  Stackhouse is not an issue and if he tries to become one I'll deal with it.  He doesn't have many friends as it is and is only riding high because of the free publicity."

"He doesn't need friends, he just needs our enemies."

"It doesn't make a difference.  He's not in this to win; he just wants some attention before he's too old to finish what he started.  As for his so called friends, our enemies, they're not stupid, the polls are looking good for us, they're not gonna put themselves out there for Stackhouse."

I just give her a stern look.

"Josh, Stackhouse doesn't have nearly the kind of power or popularity that he and Amy seem to think he has.  If he comes at us from the left, I'll own his ass."  After a moments silence, in trying to lighten the tension, she adds, "I borrowed that last line from Toby, by the way.  He comes up with the best one liners, don't you think?  Although, I don't think I pulled it off with quite the same panache that he did."

Trying to get her to understand the gravity of problems Stackhouse could cause, I say in a frustrated tone, "Hannah, Amy's going to push him to make us indistinguishable from Ritchie."

"You act like I have no idea what I'm doing, or that I don't know how Amy operates.  I know she's going to push, that's kind of why he hired her.  Frankly, the guy's an annoying pain in the ass all by himself, he didn't need Amy to help him with that."

Yeah, he really didn't.  But he's a pain in the ass that doesn't know how to use his allies.  Amy does.

"Amy likes to fight, I just think you need to be aware of that fact."  I learned that the hard way.

"Josh, trust me on this, no one is more aware of how Amy likes to fight for the wrong causes than I am.  But that's not what this is about, is it?"

What the hell?

"What the hell are you talking about Hannah?"

"That's not why you can't let this go," she says delicately.

She's right.  I've suddenly become very tired.  I really don't have the energy for this.

"Josh, I swear to God that I will make this as painless as possible for you.  Just, trust me enough to let me help will you?"  Her tone makes it difficult to do anything but.

"I do," I whisper insistently as I close my eyes and lean back against the concrete.

"So talk."

It takes me a moment to say this, "It's over.  Amy and me, it's over."

"Does Amy know this?"

_That's_ the first thing she feels the need to ask?

"Not yet."

"Ok," she says nodding her head very slightly.  "So why is it over?"

She can't be serious, right?

"You don't know?"  Why the hell does my voice go high at moments like this?

She has to know.

"I'm pretty sure I do, but I'm just not sure you know."

"What does it matter?  It's over."

"For the record, you are an idiot.  I was led to believe that it's an acquired skill - and you know what?  Skill is maybe not the right word to use in this case - but I think you are definitely the exception to the rule.  I'm pretty sure that you were born an idiot," she says having lost all patience with me.

"Thanks."  I don't think I need to mention sarcasm was used there.  "I think you really need to practice that supportive sister thing you were trying out when you first came here.  And you know, patience is a virtue."

"Yes it is, and as you should know already, it is not one I posses in abundance, especially when you're acting like an idiot.  So quit with this avoidance thing you have and at least make an effort to deal with your problems."  Ok, I was wrong, _now_ she's lost all patience.  Exhibit A would be the way her decibel level escalated with every word.

"Hannah!  Keep your voice down.  People are trying to sleep."

"Does it look like I give a damn?  And, would you like for me to lose my temper?  Because I will if it will make you face your issues and stop your lame attempts at misdirection."

"Hannah."

"No, seriously, how can you not think it matters, Josh?" she asks, finally running out of steam.  "It matters because if you don't know the reason, you're ignoring the problem.  It matters because you don't want to repeat the same mistake twice.  It matters because if you don't have a valid reason to end this, you'll regret it.  It _matters_ Josh, for those and a thousand other reasons."

"A thousand?"  I know.  I'm trying my hand at misdirection again, because you know, it worked so well the first time round.

"I may have stretched the truth a little, and you're prevaricating."

"What do you want me to say?"  My voice has risen with every word, and is now matching her previous decibel level.

Undeterred, she asks gently, "Why did you pursue her?"

Ok, I wasn't expecting that.

"Don't you, you know, maybe wanna know why it is I'm ending this?"

"If I asked that question, could you give me a straight answer?"

Yes and no.  There are many, many,_ many_ reasons why I'm ending this thing with Amy, but the most important reason is one I'm not ready to acknowledge and I think Hannah knows that.  I'm also beginning to think that she's here tonight to make me face it.

"Why did you pursue her, Josh?"

"Is it really so hard to believe that I was attracted to her?"  Because it's not like Amy's undesirable, physically speaking.

"Bearing in mind that you've only ever been attracted to that kind of woman, it really isn't hard to believe that you were  - for lack of a better word - ensorcelled with Amy."

I have to laugh at that, 'ensorcelled.'  Did I honestly feel that way?

"I'm not seeing what's so funny," she states confused.

"I used that exact word – ensorcelled - to describe how I felt about Amy once."

"Oh," is all she can say.

I shake my head lightly and prompt, "Anyway, you were saying?"

She continues with tenderness in her tone, "You've known Amy for what, twenty years?  And you've met in the interim.  What was so different about her seven months ago that you chose to pursue her?"

Yeah, she's gonna make me face it.

"I guess I just never really saw her before."  Even I don't believe me.

"You don't actually expect me to buy that, right?"

I sigh heavily as I realise there really is no way to avoid this conversation.  She's decided that I need to deal with this and so she's not going to stop until I do.

My head is leaning back against the concrete and my eyelids are closed.  I take a deep breath, "I came to a realisation.  If I liked someone I needed to pursue her, I couldn't expect her to know how I felt and feel the same way."  The look on Hannah's face tells me that she knows exactly what it is that I'm not saying.  I look at the steps below, because really, it's a little disconcerting to be so transparent.  "Amy expressed an interest in me and I was attracted to her, I didn't want to miss my chance," I finish lamely.

Hannah's quite for a long moment, and then asks, "Did your realisation have anything to do with Donna?"  

That was blunt.  Hannah's never blunt – well, not about things like this - she usually just asks the right questions, allowing the person she's talking to, to figure things out on their own.  What does it say when she thinks that I would never have worked this one out?

"No."  I'm pretty sure I answered a little too quickly there.

"You're lying.  For a politician, you're exceptionally bad at lying.  You know that right?"

"I don't think I'm bad at lying, I'm actually an excellent liar.  I just think you're good at telling when I lie."

"Josh," her exasperated tone finally making an appearance this evening.

"I can't talk about Donna right now."

"Don't worry, we're not talking about Donna and what it is you do or do not have with her.  That's an entirely different conversation, one we will be having, but not right now.  I just thought that maybe Donna had something to do with this realisation and that I should throw that out there."

I know she's not going to talk about my feelings for Donna, or ask me to talk about them - at least not yet - but still, the denial thing I had going on meant that for the last seven months or so, I hadn't really been thinking about Donna.  To have those feelings come rushing back is just a little overwhelming, and without a doubt, not what I need right now.  

Ok, I'm pretty sure I had some sort of break through there.

"Josh, did it ever occur to you that Amy pushed the right buttons, exactly the right buttons?"

Umm, no?

"I would answer that question, only I have no idea what you meant by it."

"She asks you whether you're having a relationship with your assistant--"

"What does that have to do with anything?  She asked about Joey, too.  She was only trying to find out if I was seeing anyone."

"Yeah, she was, but she asked about Donna repeatedly, and I'm pretty sure her asking had more to do with your non-answer than trying to find out about your relationship status-or lack there of."

Non-answer?

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?  And how in the hell did you find out all this?"

"You told me."  I'm pretty sure there's a blank expression on my face right now, because as you've probably guessed, I've no recollection of telling her.  Obviously realising this, she explains further, "You got drunk one night, called and, you know, talked."

"Oh."  Damn sensitive system.  Not that I have one or anything.

"'She's just my assistant?'  That's an excuse, Josh, not a reason.  And let's not even get into the whole 'everything I do reflects on the President?' thing."

"It does."  I'm indignant here, because everything I do _does_ reflect on the President.

"If that's the case, then I gotta ask why the hell didn't you dump Amy the moment the Welfare incident occurred?  What does it say for the President when his administration's enforcer, who had been slaving away on a very important bill, gave away a political advantage to his girlfriend and then almost got his ass whipped by her when she placed said bill in jeopardy?"

"I didn't--"

"You really did.  You may have saved the bill, but you lost a lot of face during that incident simply because of the fact that you _shouldn't_ have _had_ to save it in the first place.  You screwed up and it naturally made you loose credibility and respect - albeit temporarily - but also reflected badly on the President and his administration.  All because you gave Amy the extra time she needed to actually become a viable threat to the bill.  So I'll ask again, why didn't you end your relationship with Amy then?"  I don't answer.  Hannah, satisfied that I know she's right, and understanding that I'm not about to answer her question, continues with her original point, "Amy caught you off-guard with the question about Donna.  I can just imagine you trying to keep a pleasant but neutral expression, not giving away what you're truly thinking.  The thing is, what you didn't say was more revealing than what you did.  She's in politics, she knows how to read the subtle signs we give off."

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to that.

"Also, she accused you of being exactly the kind of guy you don't want to be."

"So what?  You're saying that Amy baited me into this relationship?"  I ask incredulously.

"No, you're not helpless and you're not that dumb," she says using her 'you're exactly that kind of dumb' voice.  "It was your choice to start this thing with her.  All I'm saying is, she made it easier for you to ignore all your other problems by putting you on the defensive and challenging you."  

She's right.  Not that I'm trying to place the 'blame' for the existence of this relationship on Amy, just that she helped justify my need to pursue her.  Is she trying to say that the past seven months have been about my feelings for Donna?

"And just to clarify - because you have this annoying tendency to confuse yourself - Donna has nothing to do with this relationship.  Granted, you may have started things with Amy due to the Donna-related-realisation and to avoid dealing with certain issues involving her, but these past seven months have been about discovering that you can in fact work at having a relationship, that you're not that guy and that the type of woman you've been involved with for the past twenty-five years, is not necessarily the type you should be getting involved with."

I'm just stating for the record that it's freaky when she does that, you know, read my mind and answer my unasked questions.

"The type of woman--?"

"Face it Josh, Amy is every woman you've ever dated.  She's the type of woman you seem to think is the only one you can _legitimately_ be attracted to, and why not?  She's intelligent, beautiful, and a political operative.  She can challenge you, forcing you to be smarter; she can engage you in discussions about issues that you're both passionate about.  She's assertive and won't let you fumble around in a relationship--"

"You know, you're painting Amy in an awfully good light here."

"I wasn't talking about Amy, I was talking about your choice in women in general."

"So what you're saying is that I'm attracted to women I look good on paper with.  I gotta tell you, I'm not seeing the problem there."

"No," she drawls out shaking her head for emphasis.  "I'm saying that you choose to _only_ date women you look good on paper with.  You've been attracted to and chosen not to have relationships with women who conventionally don't look good on paper.  As for your not seeing the problem, doesn't the fact that none of your relationships have ever been even remotely successful tell you anything?"

I know this may sound dumb, but I wish I knew what it is I'm meant to take away from that.  

"I'm sensing that you have no idea what it is I'm trying to get you to understand," she sighs.  She takes a moment and then says, "Ok, so let's try this a different way, if you looked at Chris and I on paper, would you have thought that we would work?"

"No, but that's different.  You guys were…you guys."

"Yeah, your reasoning astounds me," she smirks, "And they say you were a Fulbright Scholar."

"You two were perfect for each other," I offer.

"Yes we were, and that's the point Josh.  Being perfect on paper has nothing to do with it - because we certainly weren't - you just click and that's about as logical as it gets."

"Well, that gives me a lot of hope."

"Ah, sarcasm, what was it that Mrs. Landingham used to say?  'Sarcasm.  The grumpy man's wit'."

"The point still stands."

"Why?  Are you trying to make yourself fall in love?  I always thought you would more or less stumble into it like I did - stumbles the wrong word… grow is probably more accurate - as for giving you hope, it's better this way, there's a certain magic that can never be explained, it's what makes being in love so special."

"I think I should warn you that you're beginning to sound like a Hallmark card."

"And here I was trying to give you reassurances while being eloquent and all."

"Your efforts were much appreciated."  I smirk.

She's quiet for a moment, "You were never that guy, you know.  The one Amy accused you of being.  You were never him.  You were just the only one who couldn't see that.  Well, you and Amy."

"Yeah," I breathe, because really, what else can I say?

She gives me some time to absorb everything that was just said and then says, "So, my job is done."

"Your job?"  I'm puzzled, which is not unsurprising.

"CJ."  She says 'CJ' as if that should clarify everything.  My puzzled look is still in place and so she explains further, "I promised her I'd have a talk with you and I have.  So my job is done."  The change in the atmosphere is evident.  We've decided to abandon the soul searching and go back to the light tone set earlier in the evening.

Which, incidentally, is fine by me.

"Ok, see here I was thinking you were doing this just to torture me," I tease.

"Well, yeah, there was that," she laughs; her teasing tone is too back in abundance.  "Ok, so explain Campanology to me."

"The study of bells?"

"Yeah, I mean I know what it is, but why would anyone want to be a Campanologist?"

I have no idea.

*

It's almost five in the morning - or at least it is according to my crappy watch - Hannah and I have spent pretty much the entire night on my doorstep.  We haven't talked about Amy since the whole Kreskin thing Hannah did, after which we briefly talked about politics and breakfast with her in-laws later today.  She's thinking about dragging Leo along, and if she manages to do that, I'm definitely joining them.  The only thing Leo and Nick have in common is that they both adore Hannah; otherwise, Leo thinks Nick is a bigger lunatic freak than Lord John Marbury.  So you can see why I have to be at the breakfast table with them.

Somewhere in between all that, Hannah went into my apartment and got some pillows and blankets - don't ask me when, I honestly have no idea - for which I'm very grateful, my back was starting to hurt a little.

For the past half hour though, we've just sat in silence, I think Hannah believes I'm not ready to be alone right now, and I'm not sure she's entirely wrong.

"You were right," I say, finally breaking the silence.

"Umm?"

"You were right."

"Considering the fact that I'm never actually wrong, that's pretty much a given, but what was I right about this time?"  Her face is supporting a superior smile.

My response is in a mock whisper, "And they say my ego is a thing of amazing proportions."

"You know, normally I would address that ludicrously harebrained comment with a smart and witty response, but I wanna hear what I'm right about."

"This thing with Amy.  Part of me wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't that guy.  The hit and run guy."  It's why I didn't run in the opposite direction when she went over my head to Dr. Bartlet.  It's why I let the welfare thing go.  I didn't want to end things because of politics; I wanted a reason and not an excuse.  

And the fact that I was actively _looking_ for a reason (well, subconsciously, at least) should have been reason enough.

"What about the other part?"

Abandoning my original thought, I stumble into this answer, "I really did like her."

"I know, since I was never living under the assumption that you're the type of guy who would pursue a relationship with someone just for kicks.  But I get the impression that, that was not what you were originally going to say."

I close my eyes, hoping that it'll help me deal with the onslaught of emotions finally admitting this will release.  "Being with Amy meant that I had to concentrate on being with her, I could ignore all the other things."

Right now isn't the time to deal with that.  Regardless of how turbulent my relationship with Amy is, a part of me cared for her, or at least the idea of her.  This was an_ actual_ relationship and I don't want to trivialise what it stood for, or anything that came from it.

Something else comes to mind as I try and think of a way to divert this conversation away from where it could logically proceed.

"You knew it wasn't going to work, how is that?"

"Besides--" she pauses for a moment, and I'm guessing she's trying to think of a way to talk about Donna without really talking about her, and I guess that pretty much answers my question right there.  "…Those other things you were trying to ignore?  You have issues Josh, and I had a difficult time picturing you working through them with Amy, which would mean that you don't trust her enough with the more vulnerable part of you.  I don't think you can have a relationship of substance with someone you don't trust, do you?"

"No."

And again silence descends as once more she gives me some time to digest what she did and didn't say.

"You ok?"  Hannah asks softly.

"Strangely, yeah.  It's kind of a relief, you know.  I guess I was expecting something a little more traumatic."

Her face takes on a worried expression when she blurts out, "What, you were expecting to have an episode?"

"No.  Not PTSD traumatic, just, you know."  I try and reassure.

"Ok.  Because I'm thinking breaking up with Amy isn't a reason to have an episode.  Staying with her?  Maybe.  In fact, I'd say it's a definite possibility, but breaking up with her?  No, not so much."

"Are you mocking my mental health?"  The humour is evident in both our voices.

"No?!  No mocking going on here.  I am the perfect picture of supportiveness, absolutely no mocking going on here.  None.  What.  So.  Ever."

"Really?  Because it sounded like you were mocking."

"Are you sure?  Maybe you have wax in your ears, that makes it harder to hear you know."

I smile at that.  "Thanks Hannah."

"For what?"  Her forehead does that adorable crinkly thing when she gets confused.  Except, she's not confused right now, she knows why it is I'm thanking her; she just doesn't think it's necessary.

"Just…  Thank you."

A shy smile forms across her face as she blushes.  "Ok."

"Well, at least the easy part is over," I say after a moment, bringing the light tone back.  Can you tell that we're not into heart-to-hearts?

"I'm not sure I understand."

"That's a first."  Yeah, the smirk is back too.

"You do realise I could kick your ass without lifting so much as a finger, right?"  She's not exaggerating here, trust me, I've seen her do it.  So I'm thinking I should maybe abandon the smart-ass comments.  At least until she's out of hitting range.

"Deciding to break up with Amy was the easy part.  Now I have to actually, you know, break up with her."

"Oh right, that.  Maybe you should leave it for a day."

"Why?"  Because really, the sooner this is over, the better.

"Just so she knows that you have actually thought this through and your decision isn't a reaction to last night."  After a beat she adds, "Also, I wouldn't mention my name."

"I don't think Amy's gonna become irrational just because I'm breaking up with her or that I talked to you about this."  I mean you could argue that she already is irrational.

"Really?  'Cause I can definitely see her throwing things at you if you tell her that I helped you in any way to come to a conclusion about your relationship.  She's not exactly my biggest fan, Josh."

"Yeah," I laugh, "I guess I can see that."

"And I'm thinking that throwing things would actually constitute as being irrational."

"There is that."

"Well since we got that settled, I think maybe I should go.  My dear mother-in-law has this annoying ability to tell when I haven't had any sleep."

"And the problem with that is…?"

"The two hour lecture about how I'm not taking care of myself properly that comes with it."

"Yeah, I can see how that might get a little irritating," I grin.

"I wouldn't be smirking so much if I were you.  Ever heard of karma?  I'm betting that in two days you're gonna end up in hospital stumbling through an explanation as to why you're there in the first place."

"Which would be…?"

"You're explanation?  That you're girlfriend, sorry, ex-girlfriend, beat you senseless for breaking up with her."

"You have a mean streak, you know."

"See, that's where you're wrong, I was just warning you about karma.  I would call that being nice."

"Weren't you leaving?"

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Yes."

"Fine," she says with a mock huff.  "I'll call you later."

"Ok."  I respond with a warm smile.

A minute goes past, and Hannah doesn't appear to be making any more of an effort to move from where she has been standing.  She appears to be staring out into the street lost in thought, her face housing a look, like she's deciding whether or not she should say something.

"Er…  Hannah?"

"Yeah?"  The absent tone she just used?  Confirms my theory of her mind being engrossed with other thoughts.

"Shouldn't you, you know, be moving?"

"She's not over you."  That was said in such a quiet voice that I'm not sure if she meant to say it out loud.

"What?"  She can't be talking about who I think she's talking about.

"Donna - she's not over you.  In fact, I think she's just beginning to realise what it is exactly you mean to her."

"She's…  I'm…"  I'm having trouble formulating a sentence here.

"I'm not saying that you should jump on the next plane to California and declare your undying love for her.  The first thing you need to do is actually break up with Amy, and then deal with any residual feelings you have for her.  When that's settled and you're ready…  I know you have questions and that you still don't understand the reasons for some of the things that happened recently--" she stops for a second and sighs, "Look, all I'm saying is that Donna has feelings for you."

"We're friends, Hannah, having feelings for each other comes with the territory."  I'm trying to give her an out.  "How do you know she has feelings for me?"  

Was that me?

Yeah it was, but that restrained voice didn't sound at all like mine.  I'm finding myself holding my breath while waiting for her reply.  How could she know that?  And if she's guessing, could she be right?

"The same way I know you have feelings for her."  I can hear her smiling, but since I'm avoiding any eye contact, I can't be sure.

Am I really that transparent?

"What if I take too long?"

Much like another situation involving Donna, my mouth seems to have taken a life of its own.  I'm either drunk or my brain has switched off from sleep deprivation, because, I don't remember thinking these questions let alone giving my mouth permission to ask them.

"Okay, I know you really liked Amy and all, but do you honestly believe that it's going to take you _that_ long to get over her?" she jokes.

"No.  But that's not what I meant," I say, thinking about Nathan and London.

"I'm not about to let Donna spend the rest of her life with the wrong guy, Josh."

"What makes you think I'm the right guy?"

"What makes you think you're not?"

"Yeah," I whisper, smiling as Hannah walks back to her car.  I know I'm not ready to confront this thing Donna and I share, but the fact that it exists and I'm not imagining it, is just…  I'm not sure I have the words for it.  

There's just this nagging feeling that I can't shake off.  I decide to ignore this train of thought and concentrate instead on putting my relationship with Amy behind me.  

The niggling feeling is still there though.  What if Hannah's wrong?

TBC…


	12. 9a

**Disclaimers** **et** **al.** i**n** **part** **1**

**_Previously_**… 

Josh is here before me, and I'm not sure why I'm surprised.  He's been acting strange lately, and I know he's keeping secrets from me.  I mean, he's having these 'meetings' with Hannah, and well… he's just acting weird.  

He and Amy haven't had any fights, so it has nothing to do with fixing a screw up.  In fact, he and Amy have been….

Wait.

NO.  He wouldn't, would he?

***

This is strange, Donna won't look me in the eye, and she looks… upset?

**Chapter 9a**

*** 

_January 2003_

***

_Present_ _Day_.

Donna is in my office with breakfast, since I didn't have a chance to grab some before we left home.  She's here, and I'm wracking my brain to try and figure out why she looks so hurt.  I don't think I've done anything too bad lately.  I'm also pretty sure if I did CJ and Hannah would both take pleasure in reminding me, and then of course would proceed to torture me in ways that only those two women can.  It's going to drive me crazy if I don't know what's wrong so that I can fix it.  It occurs to me that instead of obsessing about it, I should just ask her.

"Um, Donna?  What's wrong?"

"Nothing."  She replied a little too quickly there.  "Why would you think something is wrong?"

Ok, how to word this?  "Well for starters, you look a little… on edge."

"It's nothing, Josh."

I'm still not convinced.

"Would you tell me if it was?"

"Yes, of course.  Look, I'm just coming down with something, that's all."

"Ok."  I'm being indulgent here.  "Go see a doctor, would you?"

"Josh."  It's what, eight in the morning?  And I've already managed to exasperate her.  "I'm fine, really.  I don't need to see a doctor.  Look, I'm going to take some Tylenol and then relax.  I have a light schedule and no classes until late afternoon.  Is that ok?"  

Not really, but considering that was said in her bitter and sarcastic "I have to run all my plans by you now?" tone, I don't really have a choice, do I?

"I should go."

And with that she leaves, not allowing me to object.

***

"Hey Sam, I think I may have a problem," Josh says in a conspiratorial tone as he ushers himself into my office.  

I sigh and I pinch the bridge of my nose, "Tell me something I don't know."  Today has the potential to be a really long day if Toby continues to criticise everything Beth does, I'm not sure if I have the strength to referee anymore fights between them.  Add to this a paranoid Josh and this day has the potential to never end.

"What?"  His eyebrows wrinkle in confusion.  And they say I'm the innocent one.

I tear myself away from what feels like the hundredth draft of the inauguration speech that Beth has written - which Toby has systematically shredded - and give Josh my full attention.  "Nothing.  What's your problem?"

In typical Josh fashion he ignores my question and asks one of his own.  "What are you working on?"  I give him a look.  "The speech?"

I nod.

"I thought Beth was taking care of that."

"She is."  Or at least she's supposed to.  "See if you can help me understand this, Toby had no problems with the speech she wrote for the Convention, he made minor adjustments but that's all they were, minor adjustments.  The speech she's written for the inauguration is miles better than that."

"Ok."

"If you ask me, she nailed it in the third if not the second draft--"

"Toby, on the other hand, believes differently," he finishes for me.

"Pretty much.  She writes something and he re-writes it.  And meanwhile I've been left to play referee."

"Ah."  That sigh seems of the enlightened variety.

"Ah?"

"Toby has a thing for her," he shrugs.

"Toby?"  I am beyond incredulous here.  "Has a thing for Beth?"

"Yeah.  I don't know why it surprises you.  If I recall correctly, you had a thing for her when she first joined the campaign--"

"Yeah but…" 

"You still have a thing for her," he mutters under his breath.  I choose to ignore that.

Toby having a thing for anyone, is you know, odd, but for someone like Beth is, well, ridiculous.  Ok, I know she's beautiful, smart, and yes, has certain panache.  She's opinionated and doesn't take crap from anyone, plus she knows how to use punctuation, "Oh my God!"  Realisation dawns on me.  And for some reason I'm pointing my finger around at Josh.  "Toby has a thing for Beth."  After a beat I add, "You know what this means, don't you?"  I am positively chipper, today just got a whole lot better.

"Yeah, you're gonna mess with his head and then play matchmaker and set them up," he smirks.  He clearly thinks that I'm going to fail, or you know, he could be internally laughing at my rather animated display a moment ago.  Odds are, it's a cross between the two.

I could take the high road but I'm bored and he never fails to provide good entertainment.  So I apply a hint of indignation to my tone and ask, "Didn't you come in here for a favour?"

His expression turns uncomfortable.  "It's possible that there may be something wrong with Donna."

I nod again, "What gives you that idea?"

"Well…"

There's a long pause.

"Josh, I don't have all day here," I prompt, although that sounded harsher than I meant it to.

"She…  She looked upset earlier."

"She looked upset earlier."  I heard him the first time, I'm just reiterating for clarification.

"Yeah."

I mumble, "Are you sure that Donna's the one with the problem?  Because, it's not like you to, you know, act like a paranoid--"

"A paranoid what?"

Oh, he wasn't supposed to hear that.

"It doesn't matter," I finish quickly.  I have this sudden urge to harass Toby, and sitting here explaining to Josh how out of character this is for him is just going to take too long.  "Are you sure Donna looked upset?"

"Yes."

"Okay," I drawl.  "So what did you do now?"  Because really, that seems like the only plausible explanation to me, well that or Amy said something.  But since she and Josh are good right now, she wouldn't be stupid enough to piss him off.  Or Hannah and CJ for that matter.  And there's also me-- but, yeah ok, never mind.

No, Josh has to be at fault here.

"What makes you think I had something to do with this?"

"Because."  I realise that wasn't an adequate justification, but this is Josh, the list of possible reasons are that long that I don't know where to begin.

"Yeah, that explained everything," he smirks, "You know Sam, your faith in me is astounding."

"That it is.  So what did you do?"

"Nothing."  I'm pretty sure the doubt is written all across my face right about now.  "Seriously, Sam.  She said she wasn't feeling well, but I'm not so sure."

"Josh, if she said she wasn't feeling well then that's probably all it is.  Ok?"

"Ok," he nods, although, after a beat he adds, "But could you check for me?"

Yeah, because that's not gonna blow up in my face.  Does he not remember what happened the last time he asked for a favour?

"Josh, shouldn't you maybe ask someone else to do that?"

If I wanted to incur Hannah's wrath again, I'd at least want it to be in relation to mistakes I've made within my own love life, or lack there of.  Ok, that made no sense at all.

"I would, but I don't think anyone else would believe I'm innocent."

 "Ah, so in other words you're afraid that they would beat you up."  Which of course they would.

"Sam," he grumbles, although his tone is closer to whining.

"Josh," I mimic.

"Please," he sighs.

"You know, you really can be a sweet guy."  I'm teasing him here, since you know, it's fun.

"Sam."  I think he thinks that I should be afraid of that tone.

"Ok.  Ok," I give in laughing as he leaves my office.

I stop laughing as I remember back to what happened the last time he asked me for a favour.  

Oh God, CJ will kill me.  No wait, CJ won't kill me, she'll just beat me to a pulp.

And then Hannah will kill me.

***

_July_ _2002_

***

My deputy has lost his mind.

"Josh, need I remind you what happened the last time you sent Sam to deal with Karen?"

"It wasn't that bad," he says in a strangled tone that shows it really was.

"Josh the whole thing ended with Donna propositioning Karen."

"She didn't proposition her," he defends.  "She just… gave her her underwear."

"Which you proceeded to fondle in front of the entire Operations staff," I counter.  I entirely avoid mentioning the $2,000 I ended up spending on my little shopping trip with Karen.

"Hey, I wasn't fondling her-- wait, who told you that?"  He's remembering the moment; his face has this wistful expression.

From what I heard, fondling would be a petty accurate description of what he was doing.

"Focus, Josh."

"Look Leo, Sam learned his lesson, he'll be fine, and anyway, it can't end with another panty incident because, well, Donna's not here."  He's reaching.

You can guess how much confidence that little speech gives me.

"What's happening this weekend that is so important you can not spare a few hours?"

"Donna's gonna be here."  In view of the fact that he answered in a low mumble, I'm not sure I heard him right.

"What?"  
"Donna's gonna be here," he asserts.  I must give him quite the look, since he jumps in trying to explain himself.  "I said I'd do her a favour.  Her mother's cousin's great aunts something-or-other is getting married, and I said I'd go with her."

Josh is looking everywhere but at me.  I can only grin at this.  I have to mess with his head a little; this is just too good an opportunity to pass up.

"As her date?  I'm thinking Amy might have a problem with that."

His voice gets a little high as he answers, "What?  Leo.  As friends, I'm accompanying her as her friend.  And as for Amy," he shrugs, "she has nothing to be jealous of considering we're no longer seeing each other."

"Does Amy know that?"

"Well, not yet, but she will in a matter of hours.  Until then, I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything."

"Yes Josh, because discussing your love life is always the highlight of my day."

"Well, if I knew that's how you got your kicks--"

"Josh," I warn.

He grins.  "As for this weekend, I'm going with Donna, as her friend.  That's it."

"'Leo, we're just friends' would have been enough.  I think you were really just trying to convince yourself there and not me."

The look on his face is priceless.

"What happened to what's his name, Congressman Spencer's son?"

"Nathan?"

"Yeah, I thought she was seeing him.  He seemed like a genuine guy when I spoke to him, when was that again?"

"At Donna's fair well thing."

"Yeah."

It disturbs me a little that I still remember that, I really should put an end to Hannah and Margaret's need to feed me gossip.

"He's away on business."

I'm choosing not to read anything into his tone.  It's clearly evident that teasing him about this is not a wise thing to do, so instead I take this conversation back to safe ground.

"And this is going to take up the entire weekend?" 

"Well, no, but we haven't seen each other since she left for the campaign.  We were gonna go to the wedding and you know, catch up."

"Catch up?"

"Yeah.  Then later probably meet up with Sam, CJ and Toby."

"Again, the whole weekend?"

"I also said I'd help her move."

And the plot just thickens.  Although, this aspect of our conversation seems vaguely familiar.

"Move?"

"Yeah, she's moving into Hannah's place.  Her roommate moved out a couple of weeks ago, and considering she's not going to be living there for at least another four months, it seemed like a waste to be paying rent."

Ah, yes.  I seem to remember having this conversation with Hannah.

"Fine, staff Karen off to Sam."

"Thanks."

"How is she?"

"Donna?"

"Josh, I know you talk to each other at least twice a day.  How is she?"

"How could you know that?"

"When you ask, 'how could you know that?' it implies that what I just said was correct."

"I wouldn't say we talk at least two times a day."

I just give him a pointed look, to which he sheepishly nods, "And in regard to my 'knowing that,' I believe that you are aware of the nature of my relationship with Donna's current boss, who also happens to be--"

"Leo, I get the point."

"--Who also happens to be the Campaign Manager, so it might not surprise you that we talk."

"Yes Leo."  He looks like a boy who has just been scolded by his principal.

Scolded.  Now that's a word that I haven't used… ever.

"So I'll ask again, how is she?" 

"Donna?" he says as he smiles; now he's playing with me.

I decide to just give him a look - I believe that Margaret refers to this particular look as the 'don't mess with me' look - I have found that giving my staff 'a look,' works much better than words.

"Considering you're close to her boss and all, I thought you would have asked her."

"Yes, but now I'm asking you," I say in a tone that tells him the time for smart-ass comments is over.

"She's good.  She's learning a lot out there, Hannah's kind of taken her under her wing."

"I figured she would.  So when is Donna's flight getting in?"

"I'm not sure, she said she'd call me with the details later."

"Okay, talk to Sam, and make sure he knows if I have to apologise to Karen about a screw up on his part, he'll be spending every night listening to the President talk about some inane fact, between now and eternity."

"Yeah," he throws out as he leaves my office.  He's doing that thing where he reaches up and hits the doorframe with his fingers when he turns around.  Now he has this look like he's remembered something excruciatingly funny.  "Hey Leo, what did you do for breakfast last Saturday?"

Josh must already know, because if not, I have no way of explaining the ridiculous grin plastered on his face.  I throw him a look that he instantly recognises as, 'I had breakfast with a lunatic Republican who's probably never been introduced to the word humble in his entire life.  How do you think it went?'  He'll help deliver the South, my ass.  The only thing that bugs me is he most likely could.

"Hannah was playing happy families with her father in law," he surmises.  Then he smirks, "A little jealous, Leo?"

I give the only reaction I can.  "Get out."

***

There's a quick knock on my door and then Sam slides in, pulling the door shut behind him.  "So," he says leadingly as I finish with Toby on the phone.

"So?"  I question.  He doesn't say anything but slips into the visitor's chair.  "Listen, Leo needs you to meet with Karen Cahill this weekend."  It probably goes without saying that I'm not gonna bring up Leo's warning about the President thing to Sam.  Because, well, it saves me from spending hours listening to completely useless lectures when I could be doing important things… like running the country.

Don't even think about rolling your eyes.

"Is this something he asked you to do and you're farming it out to me?"

"Yes."

"I don't do well with Karen."

He mumbled that so I don't think he intended for me to hear it, but since I have, I smirk, "Yeah, I know.  But, you know, once you fall off the horse you gotta get back up or you know, whatever that saying is."  I'm not too concerned with being particular right now.

"I tried that already and failed spectacularly."  

"It wasn't that bad," I say, marvelling at the incredible restraint I'm showing by not laughing at him.  Also, I seem to be saying that phrase a lot today.  "Ok, yeah it was," I concede as my restraint falters, "But that shouldn't stop you from reaching for the stars, Sam."

"I'm thoroughly comfortable with remaining on the ground.  Anyway, why can't you do it?"

"Prior commitment," I say as Cait comes into my office and hands me a pile of pink slips with messages on them.  I groan, as one of them is confirmation of my lunch meeting.

"Rearrange it."  I wish I could Sam.  Oh wait; he's talking about this weekend, not lunch.

I look up at him once I've read all of the messages at which point he repeats, "Rearrange it."

I don't want to.  Of course, I'm not about to say that so instead I shrug, "Can't."

"What could be so important that you can't rearrange it?"

"It's a time sensitive thing."  Am I a politician or what?

"A politicians answer if ever I heard one."

"And you're surprised because…?"

"Seriously, what are you doing this weekend that's so important?"

"Catching up," I answer cryptically hoping he won't prod further.

"Catching up?"  But since this is Sam, could I really expect him not too?

"Yes," I answer simply.

"Ah, the wedding," he remembers.

"So you'll meet with Karen?"

"Yeah, sure, no problem.  Although if I end up making an ass of myself I don't think we should send Donna to fix it."

"_We_ didn't send Donna, _you_ did," I correct as I resume reading through the file that Toby and I were just discussing.

"Whatever," he answers nonchalantly.

There's silence for a few moments until Sam stands up to get some fruit, after which he sits back down.

"Er, Sam?  Is there anything you wanted to talk about?"

"You're gonna make me ask, aren't you?"

"I wish I had a clue as to what you're talking about Sam."  I know exactly what Sam's talking about, I just want to see how long it will take for him to actually ask outright.

"Last weekend."

"It was very pleasant, thanks for asking."  I'm grinning.

"What?" he's confused for a moment and then decides to ignore my previous comment and continues, "Josh what happened?  Friday, after the bar.  With CJ.  What happened?"

"You know Sam, you should maybe ask for your money back.  After fours years of college and three at law school, you still can't seem to speak in complete sentences."  He thinks I'm shaking my head in mock disgust but really it's to hide my amusement at his childlike annoyance.  "And we pay you to write for us.  It's no wonder you drive Toby crazy."

"My grasp of the English language is fine.  What happened with CJ after you two left the bar?"

"You say that as if we left together.  We didn't."

"Josh."

"It must have killed you to wait until today."  I smirk.  My amusement at his indignation is pretty much out there for all to see.  Well, they could if the door wasn't closed.  "Don't you have anything better to do than to quiz me on my love life?"

"Well I would say that I have a country to run, but that's your line."

Funny.  I give him a look.  I realise that Sam is not the only one who is quite adept at saying something with a simple look.

"What happened Josh?"

"Nothing."  Rehashing Friday night isn't something I particularly want to do.

"Nothing?"  He's incredulous, not that I blame him, CJ had a very determined look as she left the bar that night.  She was planning on making me see sense even if it killed her.  She probably would have - made me see sense that is - if she wasn't drunk of course.

"Yeah."

"So you didn't talk to CJ?"  He's still incredulous, but it's bordering on something else I'm not quite sure off.

"No, as it turns out, her system is even more sensitive than mine--"

"It's really not," he smirks.

I'm ignoring that comment.  "After dropping Amy back at her place I went for a walk.  By the time I got back to my apartment Hannah had taken CJ home."

"Oh."  He sounds despondent.

"Hannah was here in DC because she had to--"

"Yeah, I know, she was supposed to have breakfast with Nick and Kate."

"Yeah.  So anyway, she came back to my place after she dropped CJ home and helped clarify a few things."

Well, that perked him up.  "Like what?"

"It doesn't matter."  He seems to be deciding whether or not to accept that and after a moment's deliberation, he does.

"So what does that mean exactly?  Are you and Amy still…?"

"Not for long.  I'm having lunch with her in about an hour and then--"

"You're breaking up with her," he deduces from my behaviour.

"Yeah," I sigh.

"Ok."  He's quiet for a moment and then laughs, "You realise CJ's going to be expecting details?"  It's actually a statement not a question.

"Can't wait," I fake enthusiasm.

"You're faking enthusiasm."

"You guessed, huh?"

"You weren't really doing a good job of hiding it."

"That might have been my sarcastic wit coming into play."

"For some reason, CJ still has her hangover from Friday, so you should probably tone it down a little when you talk to her, you know, if you still want your head attached to your body at the end of the day."

"I'm not scared of CJ."

"Yeah, right."

I'm not.

*

"Hey, mi amore, walk with me," she says as she sees me walk through the lobby.  A lot of people are staring at me right now, although CJ hasn't seemed to notice that, or even why they're staring in the first place.

But I'm ok since I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, well, except for the fact that I look like a member of the dork squad.

"What's up?"

"Nothing really.  Listen, Josh, have you heard anything about Stackhouse courting Bruno?"

"Yeah, I just spoke to Hannah, some reporters were asking her off the record.  She didn't seem worried; according to her Bruno doesn't take up a challenge unless he's confident that he can claim victory.  There's really nothing he can win here, Stackhouse doesn't have the support of the party majority, and if he ran as an independent, all he'd be doing is hurting our chances.  She said she'd call you with confirmation, so don't go into your briefing until she does."

"Is she sure Bruno won't take up his offer?"

"She's pretty confident but she's gonna talk to someone, just to make sure.  She doesn't want to put a statement out there that will force him to reconsider working for Stackhouse."

"Ok.  Do you know what he's up to?"

"No," I lie.  I'm pretty sure Hannah's knows too.  "Give me some time?"

"Sure.  How is Hannah?"  For a second she stops; she's noticed my clothing.  "And Josh, it's July."

"Yeah, so?"

"You're wearing a winter coat."

"Yeah, I'll explain when we get to your office."  Having this conversation in the bullpen in front of witnesses is probably not a good idea, since you know, the President's Press Secretary pledging death to a certain member of Stackhouse's staff is just inviting trouble.

"Ok.  So, how's Hannah?"

"She's…" I hesitate, "good."   
"And?"

"And what?"

"Any new gossip?"

"Gossip?"  First Sam and now CJ.  I smirk; I know exactly what she wants to know.

"Yeah, Mr. 760 verbal, gossip.  Are you telling me you don't know the meaning of the word gossip?"

"Of course I do, I just didn't realise that you indulged in--"

"Do you want to be hit on the head?"

"Nooooo."

"So if you guys didn't talk about what's happening in the lives of your fellow co-workers, what did you talk about?" she asks as we enter her office.

"Is that supposed to be your not so subtle way of inquiring as to what happened on Friday after Hannah took you home."  To be more precise, if Hannah and I talked about Amy.

"Yeah.  Close the door."  I close the door and finally take off the coat.  CJ's looks at me with an unreadable expression, "Josh why are your pants-- what the hell is that on your clothes?"

"Could you first ask Carol to find Cait for me?"

"Sure.  CAROL!"  Carol comes bumbling into CJ's office at which point she takes in my attire and lifts her eyebrow at CJ.  CJ just sits down and gestures for me to explain.

Since I'm not about to do that, "Could you tell Cait I need my spare suit?"  I ask.  After the bachelor party incident - the one that ended in a humiliating meeting with Joey Lucas in foul weather gear - Donna made it mandatory for there to be a spare suit available for me at the office.

CJ waits for Carol to leave, "Care to share with the class?"

"I had lunch with Amy," I answer talking a seat on her couch.

"Oh, well, that explains everything," she quips.

"By the end of it, to say Amy was a little pissed at me would be an understatement of massive proportions.  Which of course meant that she had to throw things at me.  Some guy lent me his coat, although why he has one at the office in the middle of July was somewhat puzzling to me."

"Why was she pissed and-- no wait, first, please tell me that there weren't any witnesses to this… this, whatever it was."

Well…

"Josh, please tell me that I'm not going to get a question about how the White House Deputy Chief of Staff was having a food fight in a busy public area with his girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend."

"What?"

"Ex-girlfriend.  Amy is now my ex-girlfriend."

"I'm sorry could you say that again?"

"Have you suddenly lost the ability to hear or are you unfamiliar with the term ex-girlfriend?"

"My hearing is working perfectly fine idiot boy, and I understand what is generally meant when the term 'ex' is applied to something, I'm just trying to process the fact that you were actually proactive about your love life and broke up with someone rather than being your usually dim-witted self and waiting for her to do it."

"Way to make a guy feel loved there, CJ."

"I have a briefing in less than half an hour Josh, is there a possibility that I could get the question?"

"It wasn't a food fight, it was her being juvenile a throwing food at me, so unless one of her staffers leaked it, I'd go with 'no'."

She smirks, "So it is a possibility?"

"Well, considering it would highlight the fact that her incredibly handsome…" CJ rolls her eyes and snorts derisively, "…smart and influential boyfriend just broke up with her, therefore throwing away--"

"Josh."

"She'd look like an idiot, CJ, you won't get the question."

"If I do, I'm warning you, find a great hiding spot because after I'm done kicking her ass, I'll be after yours."

"Ok."

It's silent for a few moments until curiosity gets the better of her and she finally asks,  "So, how painful was it?"

"It was fine until I accidentally told Amy the truth, which kind of involved Hannah."  Whoever coined the phrase 'honesty is the best policy' obviously has never tried to break up with a neurotic, crabby, bitchy, angry, stubborn, feminist of a girlfriend.

Do I sound bitter at all?  

"I'm sorry, you did what?"  She's laughing.

"CJ, are you sure there's nothing wrong with your hearing?"

"Yeah, I heard you the first time, I just wanted to make sure that I heard correctly," she continues through her laughter.  After taking a few minutes to control herself, she finally says, "Fill me in, what happened exactly?"

"We were meant to meet for lunch at her office to discuss the way we left things on Friday."  The way we always seem to leave things, I amend silently.

"And?"

"Instead, I told her there was nothing to discuss and that it was over.  She asked why."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, she then accused me of being 'that guy' again--"

"What guy?"

"Hit and run."  Looking at her face I can see that she knows about the type.  "I told her I didn't really care what she thought."

CJ glares at me for what I guess would be my lack of break-up etiquette, and then asks, "So where did Hannah come up in all of this?"

"She asked me if Hannah had anything to do with my decision," I grimace, "I told her the truth, that I had already decided to break it off but Hannah convinced me that she deserved a reason."

"How did she react to that?"

"She seemed genuinely hurt, like she was expecting it – the break up - but it still hurt nonetheless."

"I'm still not seeing her need to throw things at you."

"She asked what was so special about Hannah."

"You lost me."

Yeah, well, join the club; she lost me there too for a little while.

"She said and I quote, "I knew you'd find an excuse.  I have to admit though, I never thought it'd be another woman."

CJ gets a serious but somewhat incredulous expression on her face, as if not willing to believe what was just said.  "I'm still not--"

"I think she was insinuating…" I get up and start to pace, remembering the look on Amy's face.  "She's very competitive with Hannah," I state, leaving the implication in mid air.

A look of acceptance appears on CJ's face, "No kidding."

"Yeah.  She's a piece of work.  The thing is-- she didn't even sound upset."

"So what did you say?"

I sigh, "I didn't."

"What?"  CJ's now redirected her disbelief toward me, which is completely understandable.

Those juvenile remarks didn't deserve a response.

"I got up and left.  I'd just stepped out of the building when she decided to throw the contents of her fridge at me."

"And you seriously didn't do or say anything?" she asks, dubious.

"I honestly didn't have a come back for that.  What was I supposed to say?  She knows exactly what Hannah means to me.  I didn't want to give her the satisfaction.  Anyway, I was so furious that if I actually said what I was thinking then, who knows what the hell would have happened," I finally breathe.  "Like every other instance in our relationship, she bought it back to politics," I mutter.

"You think it was about work?" CJ asks, her eyebrows raised. "I don't think she was thinking about political power, Josh."

"So what, she was throwing insinuations around for kicks?"

CJ looks at me for the longest moment and then says, "Look, I never really got involved in your relationship; it wasn't my place. I could be wrong; maybe she was head over heals for you. But I don't think so. This was about the fact that she thinks she lost to Hannah again."

"You can't seriously be defending her."

"I'm not.  I'm just trying to understand what the hell happened."

Honestly, I couldn't care less anymore.

"Look, it's over and that's all there is to it."

If Amy hadn't made this about Hannah, then I think I'd be disappointed right now.  I cared about Amy and I still couldn't make 'us' work.  As it is, I'm actually thankful to her for making it easier to put our relationship behind me and not dwell on all the labels she threw at me.  To not question her assessment of the type of guy I really am.

CJ's quiet for a minute and then asks softly, "Are you going to tell Hannah?  Warn her that Amy might decide to throw that at her.  She didn't manage to get a reaction out of you but it doesn't mean she won't try and get one out of her."

"I already did."  I feel utterly dejected as I sit back against the couch.

"You called her already?"  She seems surprised which again is completely understandable.  She's wondering what the hell has happened to my protective streak, and to be honest, so am I.

"No," I sigh, "I wasn't planning to until I knew exactly what I would say, but she thought I was having dinner with Amy instead of lunch, and she wanted to give me the heads up about Bruno.  She didn't want Amy to blindside me with that and get a quote.  I thought about avoiding telling her but I figured I had to.  If there's one person Amy wants to lose to less than me, it's Hannah.  She might just use that to throw Hannah off her game, albeit temporarily."

"How did Hannah take it?"

I wish I knew.

"She was quiet.  She didn't say anything for a while, and then finally when she spoke she asked how I was doing.  Can you believe that?"  I'm incredulous I know, but seriously, how can that be her only reaction?

"Yeah," CJ murmurs.

"She wanted to make sure I was ok and that I wouldn't try and act blasé about breaking off the longest relationship I've had in years.  A relationship that in someway meant something to me - her words not mine - and that's when I exploded.  I was pissed at Amy and Hannah's non reaction caused me to take it out on her."

"I'm sorry, you did what?" she says using an icy tone.

"I got mad at Hannah," I repeat, "and you don't need to say it, I feel like a jerk already."

After a moment, CJ asks, "What happened next?"

"She was quiet again, and for a while I thought she might finally react in some way, but instead she went into political operative mode."

"Josh."  Her tone has lost all elements of frustration and is now full of apprehension.

"Yeah, I know.  I shouldn't have gotten mad at her.  It's just that she's never let Amy get to her before."

"That you know off."  I give her my, 'What the hell?' look.  "Look, it's different now, Chris isn't here anymore and so she's vulnerable, even if she won't admit it."

I take a deep sigh feeling like a complete jackass.  "It's her wedding anniversary this month and she usually gets-- it's just not a good time for her.  And this year is probably going to be worse, it would have been their tenth anniversary."

"When?"

"July 31st.  I should call Donna to make sure Hannah's ok.  Maybe she can convince Hannah to join us this weekend."

"Yeah."

"If Amy's smart she won't bring Chris into this.  Annoyed Hannah is one thing but pissed off and hurt Hannah is a whole new ball game." 

"Josh."  CJ sounds doubtful and anxious all at the same time.  She's never seen that side of Hannah so it's understandable that she doesn't believe me.

"I'm not kidding CJ.  If Amy makes this personal then Hannah's gonna throw out the rulebook and pretty much annihilate her any way necessary, and she'll hurt herself in the process.  But that's not the worse part."

"Leo," she sighs in understanding.

"Not to mention Nick.  It's conceivable that the President could get Leo to hold back on doing anything drastic until after re-election, but Nick, he's protective of Hannah in ways even Leo can't compete with.  She's the only part of Chris he has left.  He loves her as his own, so if Amy hurts Hannah, well, the guy has power and is well versed in the art of destroying someone."

"Well, that might be a good thing."  How can she be joking about this?

"We don't need for this to turn into some bloody free-for-all match CJ.  The press will kill us."

"I know that Josh.  Look, talk to Leo and let him know what happened, you know he'll check up on her.  If he doesn't make any headway and thinks it's necessary then he'll get Abbey to play Godmother."

"And Amy?"

"I think, for now at least, we should follow Hannah's lead on this.  There isn't much else we can do without making things worse.  And this isn't the time for that."

"Yeah," I sigh for what seems like the thousandth time today.

"Josh, besides the whole Hannah thing are you ok, I mean she was right, this is the longest relation—"

"I'm fine," I smile.

"Do you have any regrets?"

"Regrets?" I ask confused.

"Yeah," CJ says, looking a little uncomfortable, "About ending it."

"No," I answer with conviction.  And my honesty surprises me a little, and not because I don't have faith in my decision.  I just remember back to only a few months ago, after the Welfare incident.  I remember back to not being able to walk away, and not sure of how I could-- not because Amy meant so much to me - because really, I freely admit I cared for her, but never to_ that_ extent - but simply because I didn't know _how_ to walk away, and as stupid as that sounds now, in the moment, things could just never find a way to being so clear.

If only things had been clear back then, the past two months could have been so different.

"Are you sure?"

"What?  CJ…"

"No, I just…  Are you sure?  Cause a while back…"

"Trust me, no regrets--"

"It was the longest--"

"CJ, even a relationship idiot like me knows that the amount of time spent in a relationship really doesn't correlate to the depth of feelings involved," I throw back.  She just raises her eyebrows at me.  "Seriously, she never-- I cared for her, but now all I feel is relief.  I'm not sure why I cared, or when I stopped, but any residual feelings I have, are _not_ about her."

"What are they about then?"

The $64million question ladies and gentlemen.  I look at my hands while trying to formulate an answer, "Honestly, I'm not really sure.  I guess… it's been bugging me that I felt a need to purse her, you know?  I just-- I spent a fair bit of time this past weekend thinking back to all the times we were together, and I noticed something that's just--" I realise that CJ isn't the person I need to be having this conversation with, and so I stop myself from talking any further.

"You know, I'm not a mind reader, so feel free to finish that sentence?"

I give her a look that says 'sorry, but I can't.'

"K," she sighs.  After a beat she laughs.  "Sam's worried about you."

And now I'm confused.  "Why?"

"He thinks that you should have had more of a reaction to Donna leaving."

"Oh."  The beginnings of a smile forming.

"And I'm not sure I disagree."

"Okay."

"Is there anything you'd like to share?"

"Not really," I grin, at which point a perfectly timed knock on the door is heard.  Cait hands me my suit and leaves.  "I have to--" I indicate to my suit as I get up.

"Sure."  I reach the door when I hear CJ say, "So, Josh, this weekend huh?"

TBC…


	13. 9b

**Author Notes**:  To be quite honest, I wasn't sure whether I should continue with this fic.  It's strange, I know exactly where I want this to go.  I have all the romance and the angst figured out—In fact, I even have quite a lot of it written & I have to say, I loved writing the romance.  But I'm totally stuck on this chapter.  In case you're wondering, chapter 9 - in all its parts - is the set up chapter—the transition chapters if you like.  And it's incredibly difficult to write, especially since I decided to take a little detour from the original plot.  But basically, I'm trying to work in a little politics for the coming chapters and I know next-to-nothing about American politics, so research is just…

Also, we're so far into S4 that this all seems to surreal to continue with, but some of you kind people decided to email me for this and since it was already written, I'm posting.  It's quite possible I'll re-work this part and if any of you have any ideas for any politicking that could be included, or just something you'd like to see this fic tackle, feel free to email me.

And if anyone who emailed me about **_When I First Met You _**is reading this, I promise to have the next chapter up with a week.  Thanks so much for your interest.

So, now, getting back to this…

**_Previously…_**

"Sam's worried about you … He thinks that you should have had more of a reaction to Donna leaving … is there anything you'd like to share?"

**Chapter 9b**

A noise wakes me up.  It's loud and annoying and coming from somewhere in the room.  What the hell is that noise?  Don't people know I'm trying to sleep here?

Oh, it's the phone.

Don't people know I'm trying to sleep here?

"There better be a national emergency going on somewhere," I mutter into the phone (which, for some reason is on the floor).  I manage to grab it barely opening my eyes.  It's a skill I've been honing over the last few years.

"Aren't you a ray of sunshine this morning."

"What day is it?"

"Its Friday Josh.  You haven't forgotten that you're supposed to pick me up from the airport later, have you?"

"No," there's a hint of indignation in my tone, "I take offence to that Donnatella."

"Yeah, whatever, Joshua."  I can just picture her smug look right now.

"You realise that for the first time in what feels like forever, I had the opportunity of getting eight hours uninterrupted sleep right?"

"Well, I do now."

"Donna, I realise this has become something of a ritual for us, but could you do me a favour and stop calling me so early?" I ask using a tone that contradicts the sentiment I just expressed.  I really don't mind her calling in the morning.  In fact, I might even venture to say that I look forward to it.  When I'm not asleep that is.

"Why?"

"I don't know, because maybe I like sleeping?"  I add sarcastically, since there's never really anything wrong with that.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?"  Her voice gets a little high as she asks.

"What?  No."  I'm confused.  "Why would you think that?"

"No reason," she answers quickly.

Why would she think-- ah, Amy.  I haven't told Donna that we're no longer together, and I don't think Hannah would have told her either.

Interesting.

"You know, for some reason I get the impression that people think I have something against sleep.  I like sleep, Donna," I state emphatically, or as emphatically as a man can when woken up abruptly after only four hours sleep and no coffee.

"Yeah, but it's not like you can sleep forever.  You have to get up sometime.  The country can't run without you, Josh."

"Oh you think you're so funny."

"And I take it you don't."  And now I can hear the pout in her voice.

"Well, you do have moments of shall we say--"

"Josh, should I put the phone down now?  Let you get back to sleep?"  The pout is still there.  In fact, I suspect it's out in full force now.

She looks cute when she pouts.

"Well, I'm awake now," I smile. 

"So…  I shouldn't put the phone down?"  I can hear the smile return in her tone and I can't help the fact that my own smile grows wider.

"No," I say softly.

"Ok," she replies using a similar tone.

I relax back against the pillows.  "So, what does Donnatella Moss have planned for the day?"

*

"The contents of her fridge?" he asks – or rather, smirks – as we finish Senior Staff and begin to walk back to our offices.  "I mean, sure the balloon thing could have been cute, but she throwing yoghurt and chocolate sauce and what ever the hell she threw at you, from a twelve story window no less, well, that's just littering.  Imagine the mess she made on the walk below," he grins.  Her aim, unfortunately, was pretty good on Monday.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"I broke up with Amy on Monday."

"So?"

"It's Friday."

"Again, so?"

"You're only _now_ getting around to asking about this?  I'm disappointed in you."

"I can live with that."

"Sure you can."

"I'm going now," he throws out, heading towards the communications bullpen.

"Actually Sam, walk with me for a minute, would you?"

"Sure.  What's up?"

Not wanting to have this conversation in view of others, I try and buy some time.  "Sam my man, when was the last time you got a hair cut."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"It's well… you know."

"I think I'm feeling a little insulted here."

"It wasn't a compliment."

"Hey, you asked me here," he says entering my office, "I could always leave.""I need a favour."

"I already agreed to meet with Karen," he states, scrunching up his face.  I imagine he's trying to think of what it is I could possibly need from him.

"This isn't about that."

"What kind of favour?"

Now or never, Josh.

"I need you to talk to Donna."

"About what?" he takes a look at my uncomfortable expression and states fervently, "No."  He shakes his head for emphasis.

It's not what he thinks.

"It's not what you think."

He strikes his 'challenging' pose; arms crossed over his chest, face stern and his hip kinda, you know, jutted out.  "What is it that I think?"

"I'm not trying to sabotage her relationship or anything, because, well, I'm over that."

"That's always good to know.  Only I wasn't thinking that," he states talking a seat.

Really?  I could have sworn he was.

"Oh.  Well good.  Good."

"Except, that it sounds suspiciously like you want to sabotage her relationship."

Knew it.

"You don't even know what it is that I need you to talk to her about?  How can you assume it has anything to do with Nathan or sabotaging of any kind?"

"Is that meant to be a trick question?"  I glower at him.  He shrugs, "I know you."

"Sam."  I'm using my warning tone, although lately it seems to be having little effect on him, or on anyone really, for that matter.

"_Does_ it have anything to do with Nathan?"

Well…

"It's not what you think," I repeat.  It's really not.

He smirks.  It's not something he does often, but when he does…  Have I ever mentioned that smirking is not one of Sam's endearing qualities?  No?  It isn't.

"So enlighten me."

"You need to talk to her about moving to London."

Sam's a sensitive guy; he can talk Donna out of what will clearly be a very big mistake.  Right?

"She hasn't made a decision yet," he points out.

"Yes, and I want her to make an informed one."  And the informed one would be where she chooses to stay here, in DC, preferably with me.

"You think she won't?"  He's perplexed. 

"You've seen her track record with men."

"Yeah, it's much like yours with women."

Touché.

"Why can't you talk to her?" he asks.

Donna and I have difficulty taking about our significant others with each other; hell we have difficulty talking about anything regarding personal relationships.

But most importantly, I have a feeling I'll be me and say exactly the wrong thing.

"Because she hasn't told me about London herself yet," I say.  If she wanted me to know she would've told me.

"So?"

"I don't think she would talk to me about this."  I realise that is not a comforting thought right now.

"And you think she'll talk to me?"

Honestly?  No.  But there's always hope.  Except I'm not telling Sam that, so instead I say, "Sure."

"Why not ask CJ to talk to her?"

CJ would laugh at my complete ineptness in being able to tell Donna why I don't think she should go.  I'm not in the mood to hear her ridicule me.

I give him a look.

"Hannah then?"

I don't think she would appreciate my second guessing Donna.  "She would tell me to butt out."

"That's not bad advice," he murmurs absently.

"Look Sam, I'm really not trying to interfere, I just want her to be absolutely sure about this guy."

Donna once said that Nathan was everything she wanted on paper but something was missing.  I just don't want her to rush into things because she thinks she may not find anyone else.

Ok, if I hadn't already been aware of the fact that Amy and I were wrong for each other, that sentence would've been a real eye opener.

Actually, thinking about it, I doubt it very much.  I'm pretty sure after that revelation I wouldn't have walked, but ran in the opposite direction, back into the comfortable realm off denial.

"Josh," I'm not sure I like this tone, "I don't know how to tell you this, but Donna may not be rushing into things."

Yep.  Definitely not liking it.

"What does that mean exactly?"

"When did Donna last talk to you about Nathan?"

"At her farewell thing," I answer Sam's question.  While not entirely accurate—I mean, we have talked about… _things_ since then, but her last day of working for me was the last time Donna gave me a clue as to how she really felt about the boy wonder.  Since then she's been…

We don't talk about things like this.  And I only now realise how much that scares me.

"Things may have changed since then.  From what I can tell, she and Nathan seem to be growing closer.  They spend as much time as they can--"  She's working on a Presidential campaign, where in the hell is there time for them to 'get closer'?  Sam must clearly see what I'm thinking as he states with gravity, "They're making time."

Okay.  This is well, news.  Hannah never mentioned that.  Could she have missed it?  Maybe Sam's got it wrong.  That's not impossible, right?

"Josh?"  I look up to see Cait at the door.

"Yeah?"

"Leo needs to see you."

"Ok."

I slowly walk around my desk towards the door while ignoring the questioning looks from Sam.

"Sam, could you just talk to her?  Humour me?"

"Sure."

Ok.

"Ok."

*

"You wanted to see me, Leo?"

"Yeah, Hannah was wrong," Leo says without permeable.

This is not good.  "Bruno accepted Stackhouse's offer, I take it.  CJ was going to issue a statement--"

"It's a campaign issue.  The administration is therefore not going to comment."  After a quiet moment he sighs, "Hannah's pissed."

"I would imagine so."  She's never liked Bruno but has always respected his political expertise, or at least tried to.

"Bruno told her flat out he wasn't going to take the job.  And she believed him."

"So how…"

"Apparently," he looks at me before commenting, "A Senior Strategist for Stackhouse's campaign leaked it to a reporter from The Times."  Amy.  "Hannah got wind of it before she released any statements."

Thank God for small favours.

"So 'Hannah's pissed' would actually be an understatement," I finally contribute.

"Bruno making her feel like an idiot coupled with Amy's remarks earlier this week… to you and the press-- yeah, pissed would be an understatement.  She's not out for blood, yet, but she's on the verge."

"Yeah," I agree.

"Look, lunch tomorrow has been moved.  Instead it's dinner tonight."

I'm lost.  "Lunch?"

"Karen."

"And you want me to go to dinner," I guess.

"I don't want you to go, but since Hannah is now attending this thing I need you to go.  To keep an eye on her."

"Why is Hannah going?"

"Nick told her that Ritchie's people are planning to bring the tape back into play.  Their polls aren't looking nearly as good as ours, and that debacle gained them some valuable points.  She wants to launch a pre-emptive strike."

"She doesn't think she'll be making the same mistake Sam did?"

"No."

"How does she know that Nick's source is reliable?  It's possible that Ritchie's camp leaked that information precisely because they need for her to make the first move."

"Nick wouldn't pass on the information to her unless he knew for certain it was true.  Listen to what she wants to do.  Even if it is a calculated move from Ritchie's camp, she'll render any plan they had moot."

"Why do you need me there?"  I'm doing my absolute best not to whine.  Really.  It's just that I had plans for tonight, plans that have just been blown to hell.  Leo throws me his, 'I really chose this man to be my deputy?' look.  "Seriously, she doesn't need me to baby sit her, she can take Sam and…"

It takes me a second to connect the dots.

Sam.  The tape.  Bruno.  Amy.

"Hannah will talk to Sam later, she has some stuff to take care of first so she flying in with Donna.  Take Sam with you to the airport.  He can take Donna home and you and Hannah can head straight to dinner."

"Sure."

***

"I could go with Hannah," I offer, "The tape was a mistake; I've dealt with it and moved on."  It's time everyone else did to.

"Sam, it's not about the tape.  Bruno's bound to come up and I should be there to deal with that," he states moving through the crowd of people.  "He's not exactly her favourite person right now."

"When was he ever?"  I know there's something he's not telling me, but I decide not to press the issue.  "Ok.  So what of your plans has Bruno managed to screw up?"  I ask trailing behind him.

"What?"  He's distracted; he didn't even comment on the convoluted sentence I just threw out.

"Donna.  Tell me that you didn't plan on picking her up here," I gesture around the airport, "Take her home and then go back to work."  I'm not sure that I should pursue this line of questioning given our earlier discussion on the topic.  I don't want to encourage him to try and sabotage Donna's relationship with Nathan, but at the same time, I don't think he should avoid her or stop being her friend.

"What does it matter if I did?"

He's an idiot.  This is a fact that bears saying out loud.

"You're an idiot."

"I had actually planned on helping her pack, sharing takeout and just… talking.  It was going to be a nice relaxed evening," he sighs with regret.

"It could still be that.  Karen shouldn't take that long, you could meet up afterwards."

"Yeah."

"In fact," another voice says, "Hannah's going to insist that you do."  We both turn around to find a tired looking Hannah smiling softly.  I wonder if Josh notices how rung out she looks.  I'm also wondering what the hell is happening to cause her to look this weary?  Beating herself up over her mistake with Bruno couldn't have had this much of an effect on her.

"Where's Donna?"

"Anxious are we, Joshua?" she smiles.

"Annoying are we, Hannah?"

Josh encompasses her in a surprising bear hug, which she gratefully accepts.  I think I hear him ask if she's really ok.  In reply, she just hugs him tighter for a second and then smiles.

"Donna's waiting for our luggage; go help her.  Sam and I will wait for you by your car."

Josh studies her face for a moment and then answers, "Sure," before leaving.

"Was that meant to be a ploy to get me alone?" I ask, while giving her a quick hug of my own.

"Yes," she states simply as we walk to parking lot.

"What was that with the bear hug and--"

"Nothing," she evades, "Look Sam, I wanted to talk about the--"

"Hannah, like I told Josh, the tape isn't a sore spot for me anymore.  I just wish everyone else would get over it."  That gets her attention.

"People are hassling you about the tape?  Still?"  She seems incredulous.  And a little pissed that statement could be at all true.

"The fact that Josh is--"

"Josh is coming with me because Leo decided that I needed a chaperone.  It has nothing - absolutely nothing - to do with the tape," she states as we reach my car.  "Sam, the tape incident was a shambles, you were ignorant and what you did was idiocy pure and simple."

"Let's not beat around the bush or you know, apply tact to our comments."

"You want me to sugar coat everything?  Forget it."  After a moment she stops, shakes her head and sighs, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be such a bitch there.  Sam, the whole tape fiasco?  Was ultimately not your fault."

"Hannah."  I really don't want to hear false reassurances.

"No, listen Sam.  The tape was a campaign issue; the campaign staff should have dealt with it.  The second Bruno knew you had the tape he should've taken it away from you and kicked your ass if you even thought about doing anything with it.  At the very least, he should have explained the possible ramifications.  He was negligent.  He didn't do his job and because of that we looked like idiots.  I'm not trying to absolve you of anything, I'm just stating the facts as is."

I nod.  However, I can't quite manage to keep the scepticism out of my tone.

"What's wrong, Sam?"

"You'd think, being in politics for as long as I have, I should have been able to figure out the 'possible ramifications.'"

"I hate to point this out to you buddy, but you never know everything.  Leo, Josh, Toby, hell even me—we've all been doing this longer than you have and yet, we continually make mistakes.  The point is that there was someone there at the time who knew more than you did, and he didn't share that knowledge."

"Yeah."

"What's wrong Sam, I mean, really, what's bothering you?"

She's using her mother hen voice, which I should note, has never been tinged with exasperation and exhaustion, until now.

"Is there something going on that I should be aware of?"  I ask.  "Because it's not unheard of for me to be kept out of the loop."  She looks genuinely perplexed.  "I get the feeling that Josh is hiding something, and you look almost dead.  There's no way you'd let Bruno get to--"

"Oh," she slips. 

"Hannah?"

"It's nothing."

"Hannah."  There's an edge of warning in my tone now, telling her not to lie to me.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" I challenge.

"You have a way of looking at me—you should have more faith in me."

"If had just let anyone of us help you, you wouldn't have gotten screwed quite so often."

"Well, yeah, there was that."

I continue giving her that look.

She relents, "Amy threw out some crap about Josh and I when he broke up with her.  She insinuated that Josh broke up with her because he and I were-- look, lets just say in Amy's world, what Josh feels for me does not come close to resembling brotherly love."

"You're kidding me."

"I'm really not."

"Seriously?"  There maybe some anger in my tone right now.  Amy accusing Hannah of stealing Josh is just…  Especially considering their history.

"Sam, please don't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm asking you not to.  I've gone through this with Leo, Josh and Abbey already."

"It's not hard to guess, when you did this with Josh you didn't say a thing, with Leo, you told him you were fine and he didn't push, instead he stuck Abbey on your case.  And Abbey?  You've been avoiding her calls haven't you?"  She fails to look me in the eye.  "So now you go through this with me."

"Sam."

"Hannah."

"Look, I went through this once already during college.  If she still can't get over the fact that Chris chose me then there's really nothing I can do about that.  I am not going to let her use my personal life like this."

"What if she doesn't stop with just throwing around insinuations?"

"Then all bets are off.  You have my permission to kick her ass any way you want, but only after I'm done with her," she jokes.  "Look… what she said is a personal matter, it's between her and Josh, it has nothing to do with me."

I give her a look.

"I'm not going to let her walk all over me Sam, but at the same time I'm not going to let her every stunt dictate how I should behave.  I pretty much did that during my first year at college and it got extremely tiring.  I've grown up since then even if she hasn't.  Okay?"

"Yeah," the doubt still clearly present in my tone.

"Sam, if you can get past that twelve year old girl image you have of me in your head, you'll realise I have grown up in the last fifteen years.  I know how to ask for help."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."  She's indignant.

"No you--"

"Look, can we just agree to disagree?"

"Sure."  I never realised sarcasm could be so effectively portrayed with one word.

"And you know, this _thing_ you and Josh do, it really is getting to be a pain in the ass."

"This _thing_ Josh and I do?  What 'thing.'"

"You and Josh, you—never mind.  Josh and Donna are almost here." 

"Fine," I grouse.

"Sam.  I swear, my mood really has nothing to with Amy."

I study her for a moment and realise that she's telling the truth.

"So, what is the problem?"

"This week has just been one headache after another; I made rookie mistakes and spent far too much time trying to fix them.  I'm annoyed because I managed not to do my job this past week.  Moreover, we still have over three months till the election and so it's far to early for me to only be sleeping three hours a week, that's it.  Well, there's also the fact that I hate looking like crap."

"You don't look well."

She squirms and suspiciously avoids looking at me.  I was so willing to believe that Hannah allows Amy to affect her more than she lets on, I didn't actually take a good _look_ at her.  I'm beginning to realise that I was concentrating on the wrong issue for the past ten minutes.  She doesn't look well at all.

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"Oh for the love of God--"

"Have you?" I press.

"Would it make you feel better if I did?"

"Yes."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"I love it when you play big brother."  She smiles softly.  And well, I have to smile back.  Reluctantly.

Instead of being annoyed with Hannah, I should make sure Josh's realises Hannah hasn't been well lately.

"Sam," she warns.  It's scary when she does that, reads your mind and tells you off before you have a chance to do anything.

"Ok, fine," I placate.  I decide to change the topic, "There's something I need to know," I ask in a considerably lighter tone.

She flashes me her grateful smile, "Sure."

"What's happening between Nathan and Donna?"

She smirks, "Is that you asking or Josh?"  I think the answer is written on my face.  "If he wants to know, he should ask himself."

"Yeah, well, he asked me to talk to Donna on his behalf."

"You're not going to, right?  Right?" she questions warningly.  "Sam?"

"No, of course not."  She doesn't look convinced.

"Sam, _do not_ interfere.  Is that clear?"

"Crystal."  She still looks sceptical.

Josh and Donna arrive at this precise moment saving me a lecture from Hannah.

"Hannah, we should get going," Josh states after placing their luggage in the trunk of my car.

"Yeah," she says looking at me suspiciously.

Once Hannah's out of earshot, I ask, "So Donna… how's Nathan?"

TBC…

**_And next on Since Last May…_**

Oh God…  Sam, my man, please, please, *please* tell me you haven't done anything stupid.

"Sam?"

"Just remember that I'm your best friend, and I was trying to help you."

"Sam, I swear, if you don't tell me in 2 seconds--"

"I talked to Donna."

Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna like this?

"And…?"  I prompt.

"You want the good news or the bad?"

Oh God.

"Is the good likely to outweigh the bad?"  Please say yes.

"Ah… no."


	14. 9c

**Acknowledgements:**  Thanks as always to Christine for being the spectacular beta that she is.****

**Author Notes:**  Thanks so much for all the encouragement and feedback everyone, and a special thanks to a outstanding group of ladies Alicia, KC, Kerry and Joy for all their help.

****

**_Previously_**…

"I need a favour."

"What kind of favour?"

"I need you to talk to Donna."

Sam's a sensitive guy; he can talk Donna out of what will clearly be a very big mistake.  Right?

**Part** **9c**

"Josh, you there?"

"Yeah, Sam, come in."  I'm in my office, sitting in the dark with the desk lamp and television on, my head leaning back against the chair and eyes closed.

"Long day?"

"Something like that," I sigh.  "I'm waiting for Hannah.  What about you— what are you doing here?"

"I'm apparently no good at packing," he quips.  I open my eyes to see Sam looking around before asking, "Where is Hannah?"

"Residence." 

"Abbey finally cornered her?"

"Yeah," I groan.  I'm rubbing my hands over my face when I notice that Sam looks a little uncomfortable.  "Is Donna with you?"

"No," he says quickly, and then, as an after-thought adds, "I left her with Charlie.  They're at her place, packing."

"Okay," I nod.

"Listen," he starts, after a moment.  "Hannah told me about your conversation with Amy— what Amy said when you guys broke up."

"Yeah," I sigh.  I had a feeling this was coming.

"You didn't say anything."

"It was Amy venting," I shrug.

"Is that the way Hannah saw it?"

I pause in thought.  "Hannah's fine."

He seems to accept that but then says, "At the airport, she looked pretty worn out."

"I know."  There's something going on with her that I can't quite figure out.

"So, I'm just asking…  Is that how you really think she saw it?"

"Look," I start.  "She's been having a rough week.  It got to her a little, but she's over it.  She's fine now."  At least, that's what Donna said when I asked her to keep an eye on Hannah.

"So I should drop this?  I shouldn't push Hannah to talk?"

"Has that ever worked for you?" I joke.

"Well, no.  But it doesn't stop me from interfering," he shrugs, dropping the subject.  "How long is she gonna be in there?" he asks, pointing his thumb in what I assume is supposed to be the direction of the Residence.

"She's stuck with Abbey in Godmother mode," I answer automatically, thankful for the change in topic.  "Your guess is as good as mine."

"Yeah," he chuckles.  We become silent and Sam watches the television screen flicker while I go back to resting.  With my eyes closed I'm more aware of all the sounds around, the most prominent of which is Sam fidgeting.

"So how much packing has Donna got left to do?" I ask, deciding to break the silence between us. 

He hesitates before he answers.  I open my eyes to find him looking… uneasy.

"She only really started to pack when Charlie came over, just before she kicked me out."

"Okay," I nod.  "And--"

"I forgot to ask before," he interrupts, "How was the dinner with Karen?"  I can't tell if he's genuinely interested or trying to misdirect me.

"Dinner?  I'm not so sure Leo's gonna be happy with the outcome, but at the very least we know that the tape's not coming back into play," I reply, still trying to figure out the reason for his unease.

"What happened?  How far did she push things?" 

"She made Stackhouse's camp—"

"And when you say Stackhouse's camp you actually mean Amy," he clarifies.

"Pretty much.  She made Amy look like an amateur."  Leo is either gonna kick my ass for not keeping Hannah in check or laugh his head off at her antics and forget to be pissed with me.  For obvious reasons, I'm hoping it's the latter.

"How much of an idiot?" Sam grimaces.

I give him a look.

"She masked it, right?"

I nod.  "Not by much, though.  Any idiot can tell she took a stab at them."

"Didn't Leo send you with Hannah to make sure that didn't happen?"

"Hannah didn't really give me a chance to stop her.  She was having too much fun, and really, you kinda just want to sit back and enjoy the show when she's on a roll," I reply.  "Anyway, now she's opened the door for Amy."

"I think Amy already opened the door, don't you?"

"Yeah," I sigh.  "Anyway, you didn't say why you were here."

"Donna kicked—"

"No, I meant, why not go home?  Why come back to work?  You don't have anything that can't wait until tomorrow."

He gets uncomfortable.  "I talked to Donna."

"And?"  I prompt.

Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna like this?

"You want the good news or the bad?"

Oh God.

"Is the good likely to outweigh the bad?"  Please say yes.

"I… no."

Great.

"Okay," I drawl.  "The bad first."

"The thing is you kinda need to hear the good before the bad."

"Sam," I growl.  "Just get to the point, would you?"

"She and Nathan broke up on Thursday," he says slowly.

Okay.  This _is_ good news.

"And the bad?" I ask with trepidation.  I'm pretty sure I don't want to know the answer to this.

"I, ah…"

Oh God.  People say I have a bad poker face, but that's nothing compared to Sam's.  Not to mention, I know Sam's body language, and this is how he acts when he's put his foot in it.  Sam, my man, please, please, please tell me you haven't done anything stupid.

"Sam?"

"Just remember that I'm your best friend and I was trying to help you."

"Sam, I swear, if you don't tell me in 2 seconds—"

"I think I convinced her that breaking up with him was a mistake," he blurts out.

Whoa.  He—he… he did _what_?

"You… you did _what_?" I splutter.

He did _what_?

"And that she should take him back," he almost trips over the words trying to get them out.

I think I should sit down— except, you know, I already am.

Did he just…

He did _what_?

***

Don't ask me how the hell I managed to do that.  One minute, Donna and I were just catching up and the next, I'm telling her that Nathan is a great guy and maybe she should reconsider her choice.

"Josh," I prompt.  He hasn't spoken for a few minutes, and that, more than anything, was the reaction I was hoping to avoid.

I should make a run for it now; I'm pretty close to the door, about seven years younger than he is, and in good shape.  I value my life too much to tell him how I managed to screw things up for him.

"Did I just hear you say that you told her to get back together with him?" he asks in disbelief.

There's a desk between us, for which I am thanking every deity I know of right now, but just in case, I unconsciously find myself taking a step closer to the door.

I think he's calculating the best way to punch my lights out.

Quick short answers.

"Yes."

Maybe I'll manage to walk away from this with all my body parts in tact.

"How in the hell did you manage to do that?"  He raises his eyebrows and his voice getting higher as he speaks. 

I have no answer to that.

"What else?" he asks in a terrifyingly calm tone.

"Josh," I try.  I know he's hurt and angry.  As much as I try and understand, I've never been able to fully grasp how aware Josh is of the importance of Donna in his life.  There were times… there are times I wondered if she really was that important to him, or if I was reading into something that wasn't there.  But something's changed.  Over the past few weeks, it's become increasingly obvious to everyone that there _is_ something there—we weren't imagining it.  And more importantly, he's become aware of whatever it is they have.

And I just screwed this up for him before he even had the chance to act.

"Sam, what else?"

I sigh in defeat.  "I also mentioned that London is a great opportunity for her."

Silence.

You could hear a pin drop.

His body is radiating anxiety but his face is calm, still, blank even.  I can't read his expression.  He's standing there, staring through me, with his hands hidden in his trouser pockets.  "You're not going to hit me, are you?" I joke, trying to break the tension.

"Tell me exactly what was said," he says in a very neutral tone.

"Word for word?  Or a run down?"  You know, you'd think being in my line of work, I would have managed to get a grip on my mouth—know when to keep it shut.

I honestly have no idea what it is he wants to hear, or what I can say that will make this situation any better.  I don't know what it is I said that made Donna reconsider her decision to leave Nathan.  All I know is I saw a… look.  Everything was clearly written on her face and all I could do was watch as she decided to give the guy another chance.  She still likes him; that much was clear, even when she was telling me she broke it off and trying to make me believe it was for the best.

She still likes him—I think…  I think she may be falling in love with him.  All I know is he's a good guy and she likes him and that Josh isn't ready to hear that.  She's falling for this guy and I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to tell Josh that.  Although… by the look on his face, I have a feeling I don't need to say the words; I think my every thought is displayed on my face.  And since I don't have the words anyway,  I deflect.

"You know if you're thinking of hitting me— which by the way, is a completely reasonable reaction.  Not one I would advocate, but one that I perfectly understand— I think I should warn you, first…  I boxed in college," I say with much more conviction than I actually feel right now.  I really did box in college; Gilbert & Sullivan weren't my only passion.  "And second," I continue, "I think I hear footsteps."

"Sam," he's just lost his calm veneer and now sounds exhausted.  "Just… what happened?" 

"Josh, I honestly don—"

A quick knock on the door interrupts me, and then I hear, "Hey, what are you guys talking about?"

Well, this just got a whole lot worse.

***

"Hannah," Sam greets with a false sense of cheer.

How in the hell did he convince Donna to give Nathan another chance?  What the hell was he thinking?  And London?  _London?_  Seriously, did he hit his head and lose a couple of thousand brain cells somewhere along the way?  Maybe the pod people came and replaced those cells with rocks or something.

_Pod people?_

What the hell is _wrong_ with me?  I swear I'm channelling Donna.

Donna.

What the hell was Sam thinking?  I mean seriously, what was he thinking?  Was he thinking at all?  I swear to God, Samuel Norman Seaborn, if you've monumentally screwed things up, I will kick your ass seven ways to Sunday.

"What are you guys talking about?" Hannah reiterates.  She's hasn't lost that faded look she was wearing earlier.  In fact, if it's at all possible, she looks even more worn out. 

"Nothing," Sam evades.

Nothing?  Sam, I think you need to revise your definition of 'nothing.'  Nothing?  Did you not just hear the words that left your mouth?  Are you suffering from blackouts of some kind that I'm not aware of?

Nothing?

"Nothing?" Hannah repeats, with a hint of scepticism.  I should also add that she's throwing questioning looks my way too, pointedly looking at my clenched fists.

I just… a moment ago I watched several thoughts run across Sam's face as he tried to come up with a response to my questions.

I don't think I'll ever be able to accept what he's having so much trouble saying.

I just…  I can't think about that.  It's just easier to allow my emotions to run wild than to think about what all this could really mean.

There are so many questions swimming around in my mind at the moment, the most unrelenting of which is, how could Sam, one of my best friends, the guy who is like a brother to me, a man that I could easily trust my life with, be such an idiot and quite possibly have doomed me to a life without Donna? 

A life without Donna.

What the hell was he thinking?

And why the hell didn't Hannah, or Donna for that matter, tell me that Nathan was no longer in the picture? 

"You didn't tell me that Donna broke up with Nathan," I state.  Well, accuse is the word others might use.

"You didn't ask," Hannah replies off hand, and then, what I just asked, or maybe my tone, registers with her, "What does it matter?  And how did you know that?"

"Sam told me."

She turns to face Sam, then takes another look at my expression and then faces Sam again, glaring at him, "What did you do?"

He's indignant for a moment and replies, "What makes you think I did something?"

"Take your pick, the look on his face or the tone in his voice," she says pointing at me.  "Sam?" she asks in what can only be described as a spine-chilling tone.  "Did you get involved?"

"I…"

"Sam?" Hannah prompts.

"In my defence—" He looks even more alarmed than he did a few moments ago when I was ready to test his college boxing skills.  I'm still eager to do that, but the rational part of my brain knows Leo would kick my ass if the Deputy Communications Director walked in with bruises and the press found out that the Deputy Chief of Staff gave them to him.

"It better be one hell of a defence," Hannah all but growls, "I told you not to get involved in this."

"Yes."

"I warned you not to talk to Donna about Nathan—to not interfere in her love life, didn't I?"  Her hands are accentuating her words, a sure sign that's she's pissed.

Wait— she _warned_ him not to talk to Donna?  _She warned him_?  And he still did?

"Yes," he sighs.

And the idiot didn't listen?

"So what part of 'Do Not Interfere' did you not understand?

Yes Samuel, what part of that did you not understand?  And— hold on a sec… why did she warn him?

"Wait," I interrupt, my irritation misplaced for a moment, "Why couldn't Sam talk to Donna?"  I think I'm still trying to get past the fact that Sam could have done something so beyond stupid that words can't possibly express how much of an idiot he was— is— whatever.

I'm still trying to avoid thinking about that look… trying to ignore the fact that he thinks Donna's in love with Nathan.

"Let me get this straight.  You're asking me this question after having witnessed for yourself what I'm going to guess are colossally disastrous results?"  She glowers at me, incredulous.  In my defence, I'm still trying to comprehend the fact that…  Donna could still be leaving.  "Second," she continues, "You're asking me why the hell I think it's a bad idea that Sam— Sam who is just as hopeless with women—"

"Hey," Sam interrupts, but is quickly quieted by the angry look that Hannah throws his way.

"—Sam, who is just as clumsy, hopeless, clueless, dense, ham-fisted, awkward, and incompetent with women and love in general as you are, you asked _that_ Sam to talk to Donna?  You're seriously asking me why I think that's the most preposterous, dumb-ass, idiotic, ludicrous, insane, crazy, ridiculous idea?"

"I'm still in the room, you know," Sam mutters under his breath, sounding hurt.  It's at this point that the haze I've been in since Sam revealed that Donna has no intention of leaving Nathan, fades away, and I begin to realise it's quite possible that Hannah may have crossed a line.

"And finally, you wanted Sam to talk to Donna, like 'catch up, hey how are you?  How's your new job?'  Or talk to her like, 'you can't see Nathan anymore because Josh likes you?'"

"What does it matter?" I ask, regretting the words as soon as they leave my mouth.  Even Sam shakes his head at me.  "She already broke up with him," I add, since I'm pretty much dying as it is.

"I could try and explain this until I'm blue in the face and you still won't get it.  So let's not go there, shall we?"

She's pissed for several reasons right now, and I have no intension of bearing the brunt of that anger.  "Fine." 

Silence ensues for several, long moments before Hannah sighs, "I'm gonna go get some coffee.  Do you guys want some?"

Understanding the pretext, the cover she's using to get the space she needs to calm down, I reply, "Yeah, sure."

Sam, on the other hand, doesn't register her excuse and follows her, leaving me trailing behind.

"Do we really need to do this?  The question and answer, your interrogation—"

"Yes, Sam."

"No seriously, I think—"

"Sam, if you push me, I'll have no problems using you as a punching bag.  And I'm speaking physically here."

Okay, she definitely crossed the line there.

There's cute, pissed off Hannah, who likes to tell us what we've done wrong, joke about it, and generally enjoys the hell out of embarrassing us by telling all about our latest screw up, while still being mad at us for screwing up in the first place.

But Hannah also has a tendency to relegate Sam and I to Frat Boy status, where we're too dumb to appreciate the severity of our mistakes, or just plain annoying her by trying to avoid making certain decisions and facing up to things.  This Hannah, usually, is sweet and gentle, sometimes impatient, but ultimately there to help us to work through our mistakes, problems, etc…  She was here last Friday when I needed to talk.

And then there's the Hannah that is emerging as we speak.  The pissed off, worn out, condescending Hannah, who can go overboard in her treatment of Sam and I as bumbling idiots.  She forgets the fact that we are actually grown men who can make mistakes.  She has a tendency to say hurtful things in the midst of making a point, things that, despite however much she later says she didn't mean, still get to us.

I look to Sam to check out his reaction, which is when I notice Toby walking past.  He looks in our direction and I discretely motion for him to join us.  Hannah's worked herself into such a state that it's pretty much guaranteed she'll say things that she, Sam and I, will regret later.

"Toby, what are you still doing here?" I ask.  Sam hangs back a bit, wary of Hannah's impending explosion.

"Fixing paragraphs four and six of Tuesday's speech."

"The Education thing?  I thought the speech was locked," Hannah asks.

"It was but Leo decided to add to it at the last minute—federal testing for k-12 schools," I clarify.

"And I need to change the crap that is paragraphs four and six," Toby adds.

"Hey, I wrote those," Sam protests indignantly.

"I know," Toby answers.  I signal Toby to take Sam away for a few moments so that I can have a quiet word with Hannah.  "And since I have more important things to do than re-write two paragraphs a trained chimp could write in his sleep—"

"Is that your ever so polite way of asking me to re-work them?" Sam asks taking the bait.

"No, it's my perfectly clear way of telling you to re-write them.  It would take the monkey what, five minutes?  Should only take you half an hour."

"Gee, thanks Toby," Sam quips.

Toby looks to me to check that it is sufficient time and then leaves with Sam trailing behind.

Once he's out of earshot, Hannah states, "This is your fault, you know."

_I'm sorry?_

"Let's take this back into my office, Okay?" I interrupt, guiding her and therefore not really giving her a chance to object.  Once we enter, I sit back in my chair, while Hannah takes a seat opposite.

"This is my fault?" I echo with incredulity.  We don't even know what _this_ is.

"I told you to concentrate on putting Amy behind you—"

"Amy _is_ behind me," I interrupt.

"--I told you to let Donna reach the place you're at on her own."

"First, you really didn't.  And second, you think I haven't?  Where did I play a part in any of Donna's decisions?"  Before Hannah can misinterpret what I just said, I clarify, "I mean, when, if ever, did I tell Donna splitting with Nathan was good idea?"

She doesn't answer, but instead says, "You bought Sam a break."

"No, I bought you one."  She glares at me.  "You don't think you were pushing it a little back there?" I ask.

"Josh—"

"You don't think you were coming on too strong a few moments ago?"  I ask again.

"No."

No?

"You're pissed."  I state the obvious.

"I'm really not."

She's kidding, right?

"There's pissed and there's about to snap and beat the crap out of someone," I ignore her and continue.  "You were ready to vault across that line and become downright cruel.  He screwed up, Hannah, but he doesn't need you, of all people, to treat him like a idiot and humiliate him."

"Please— If I ever got close to going that far, he would say something."

"No, he wouldn't.  We both know that.  And if I were him, I wouldn't either.  We'd let you say whatever, we'd let you push our buttons and not say a thing back because we know that you're tired, that your buttons were pushed this week, and that you need to vent.  So we wouldn't say a thing, and you know that's what we'd do, because we've done it countless times before.  It's what we do."  I let that sink in, and then add, "So I figured you could do with a time out before you said something you'd later regret."

"I didn't," she starts adamantly, but stops short, and tries again with less vigour.  "I don't need to vent," she finishes, pretty much ignoring everything I've just said.

"No, of course you didn't," I retort sarcastically.  "You just felt the need to chew Sam out over a mistake that he quite obviously regrets because you thought it'd be fun?  You don't even know what it is he did, and you were primed and ready to use him as a punching bag."

She looks at me intently for minute, and then sighs, "Have I pushed any buttons already?"

"No, but you should—"

"Apologise," she finishes.  We're both quite for a minute, when Hannah says, "So, I guess I owe you one, huh?"

"Nah," I smile, "I'd say we're even."  Hannah laughs outright at that.

"So what was going on with Sam earlier?  What did he say to Donna?"

"I wish to hell I knew," I sigh.

"You don't know what he did?"

"No, you walked in and started your diva act before he could tell me."  She glares at me.  "God I wish we knew," I breathe.  She gives me an understanding look, and I suddenly feel uncomfortable.  I quickly add, "So that you could fix it." 

"Why thank you, Joshua," she says with an enigmatic smile, in spite of her drained appearance.  She then stares at me unabashedly before saying, "You know, you say you don't know what Sam did but when you say it, you get this look…"

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Hannah, I swear, I don't know anything."

"You know something, Josh.  When I first came in you were doing the whole avoidance thing and instead of trying to talk to Sam and find out what happened, you were asking me irrelevant questions."

"Right, yeah," I sigh.  "He just, he had this look; he doesn't think I can handle what he has to say.  And the only thing I know don't want to hear right now…" I trail off letting the unfinished thought hang in the air.

He thinks Donna's falling for Nathan.

"Oh."

"Yeah," I clear my throat.  "I know you think she might have feelings for me… but…"

"Josh…" she starts, sympathetically.

"Can we just drop this?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Yeah, but I'm asking.  Lets concentrate on why you were ready to lay into Sam?  Why were _you_ so…?"

"Acting like a bitch on a power trip?"

"Your words."

She smiles.  "There are many reasons."

"Give me one."

"You know that talk you and I had Friday night?"

"How could I forget?"

"Donna and I had a pretty similar one the next night."

Oh.

"And?"

"It took me five hours to get you to face up to facts, it took me five days with Donna and I still didn't get very far."

"Days?"  I think my voice just went a little high there.

"I've known you over fourteen years, Josh.  I've known her just under five, in which, excluding the past three months, I've probably talked to her a total of thirty hours.  There are things I can say to you that I can't say to her; there are limits to what she can hear from me.  And most importantly, she had so many more barriers put up than you did.  She still has; she still has issues."

"I see.  Five days," I repeat, more to myself.

"And we didn't even broach the ever so delightful topic of Joshua Lyman."

Okay.

"And now Sam— I don't even know what Sam did," she says, throwing her hands up in frustration.

"Hannah."

"No, don't worry, I'm not going there, I'm just saying."

"So, Amy and Bruno, and whatever else happened this week, had nothing to do with you taking out your frustration on Sam?"

She doesn't say anything, and I suddenly feel like I've been left out of the loop on a devastating secret.  "If you gave me another half an hour, I'm pretty sure I would have taken it out on you too.  In fact, I think I already did, " she sighs, regretfully.

"So…" I start, trying to move away from the previous thread of conversation.

"Yeah?"

"We have twenty minutes to kill before Sam gets back here and we can find out what the hell happened."

"Yeah," she sighs, closing her eyes and resting her head back against the chair.  I can tell she's debating whether or not to clue me in on the secret.

Taking in her appearance and wondering how far I can push this, I ask, "Why didn't you tell me that they had broken up?"

"The same reason I haven't told Donna that you and Amy have broken up," she answers without opening her eyes.

"Which is?"

"Remember when I told you I wasn't going to influence your decision to be with Amy?  I wasn't going to influence hers in regard to Nathan, either."

"Yeah, but I had already broken up with Amy.  Telling me that Donna and Nathan aren't seeing each other anymore wouldn't have affected anything."

"Yeah, but there was also the fact that I didn't think she broke up with him for the right reasons—she seemed confused, and it turns out I was right."  She opens her eyes and looks directly at me before saying, "And anyway, there are certain things that you and Donna need to talk to each other about.  For starters: Amy and Nathan.  And you have to do that without me.  Do you understand?"

"Not really, but I'll accept it nonetheless," I smile.  She returns my smile with a small one of her own.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"You and Sam could have a little more faith in me."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't need to vent.  I wasn't venting."

"_Hannah_…"

"No, seriously, you think that because Amy made some stupid remarks I'm suddenly going to stop being a professional and turn into an emotional basket-case."

"We—"

"Her boyfriend just broke up with her and she was hurt.  You guys really think that anything she could have said under those circumstances would have mattered?  Forget that, are you seriously telling me you think that I take to heart anything she says?"

"You have history."

"Oh for the love of—give me strength.  It doesn't occur to you guys that I have actually grown up?  It doesn't occur to you that I graduated top of my class, that I'm a respected feminist and political advisor, or that I had a fantastic marriage and was loved beyond measure by a guy who would literally give up life for me.  Or that I have amazing friends, in –laws and family.  It doesn't occur to you that I've_ moved on._  I feel sorry for her sometimes but I don't ever envy her."

"We mean well," I try and explain.

"And I get that, but could you please stop walking on eggshells every time Amy says something you think I won't like?"

"We don't always."

"No, but you're doing it enough to piss me off."

"Sorry," I say, contrite.  "So why _have _you been… temperamental?"

"I haven't been well lately," she says, stretching, working out some kinks.

"Have you seen a doctor?"

She nods.  "He's running some tests."

"What did Abbey say?"

"I haven't told her—"

"You were stuck in the Residence with her for over an hour in mothering mode and you managed to walk away without telling her?"

"Yup."

"You gotta teach me how to do that."

"Abbey acts like mother hen with you?" she asks incredulous.  "I didn't think she liked you all that much."

"No, I was thinking more about Millicent."

"Ah, yeah, sorry, I can't help you out there—I haven't figured out a way to fool her."

I mock sigh.  "Foiled again."

She chuckles but then her grin fades.  "We don't have the relationship we once used to," she adds, referring to Abbey.

"Yeah."  This is a sore spot for her.

"And I haven't mentioned this to Leo, Nick or Kate, so if you could, you know…"  I look at her trying to read what she isn't saying.  "I'm just…  I'm telling you because…"

"Yeah?" 

"I'm exhausted Josh, and people can see it and I just— you, Sam, and well, everyone for that matter, thinks that my general screw ups this week, and lets not forget Amy and Bruno, are the reason— and I'm okay with that.  But I guess I need for you to really know why."

"Yeah."

"It just gets to me sometimes.  You know me better than most and yet you can get things so wrong."

I nod, not really having an answer.  "Leo can tell.  He can tell that something's wrong with you."

Her head snaps up.  "I know."

"He's worried."

"I know that too."

"You need to tell him."

"There's nothing to tell."

"Really?  Because I get the impression there is."

"You should call Toby and tell him to send Sam back," she evades, simultaneously picking up the receiver and dialling the extension for me.

"Hannah."  I manage to achieve the stern tone I was going for.

"He saw what my father went through, Josh," she slips.  "Shit," she mutters under her breath.

"Did you just say what I think you said?"

She hands me the receiver.  "Toby's on the line."

"Hey, Toby," I say into the phone, maintaining eye contact with Hannah.  "Send Sam back, would you?"  Toby tells me to hold on for a sec and then comes back on the line.  I put him on speaker.

"Josh, he say's he'll be back there in twenty minutes; he wants to nail the speech now."

"He realises that twenty minutes is never enough, right?" I answer back, my chuckle at Sam being Sam, sounding hollow even to my ears.

"I'll kick him out in twenty minutes," Toby says, before hanging up.

"That's Sam for you," Hannah jumps in. 

"Hannah," I almost implore.

"Please let it go, at least for now.

"Sure," I placate grudgingly.

"So, since when is the Education thing on the table?"

"You're complaining about this now?  You were the one pushing Leo to convince the President to speak out on it."

"I'm not complaining—it's just the last time I talked to Leo there were things we weren't going to push and the Education thing was one of them."

"You're annoyed."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are.  What gives?"

"You're not annoyed?  I mean, look at how you've had to run this administration.  Your first year was spent being tied because the Uncle Jed was too afraid to push the boat, the second dealing with, you know…  Rosslyn…  The third spent on hearings and just trying to stay in the game, and now you're in re-election mode.  When have you ever been given the freedom to actually push the agenda you want to?"

I look at her and try and piece together what she isn't saying.  "Is that why you didn't take the job five years ago?"

"What?"

"When Leo and The President offered you the job during the first campaign, you didn't take it.  You said something that didn't click with me back then.  Did you know this would happen?"

"I had my suspicions—he wasn't ready to be President.  I knew he wanted it, but I knew he wasn't ready and I knew I'd lose respect for him if he kept telling me to hold back because he wasn't ready to move forward."

"And now?"

"He's the President—he's comfortable in his role now."

"But?"

"He, and therefore Leo, are telling me to hold back."

"Hannah…" I start, not sure how to continue this.  She wasn't kidding when she said there were a multitude of reasons for her bad mood.

"This is not a conversation we're having.  I'm gonna go call Donna, just to, you know, check in.  See how she's doing, and try and find out if things are as bad as Sam thinks they are."

"You realise this is a conversation that you have to have with them, at least."

"Not really," she shrugs, "I'm better at the avoidance thing than you are.  So, anyway, I'm gonna go call Donna."

"Maybe you should have Sam call her," I shoot back sarcastically.  I have no idea how my tone came across.

"I'll fix it, Josh, I promise.  Don't look so worried."

She's trying to make light of the situation and it's not funny.  But I go along with her attempts at moving the conversation along, at least for now.  Instead, I give her a look.

"I'll get CJ to fix it," she corrects.

"This coming from the woman who was just about to blow an artery over this."

"You know, you've calmed down too.  When I first walked in, you looked as if you were ready to cause some physical damage."

"Yeah, but then you came in and did your over the top act," I smile, "Kinda put things in perspective for me."

"So, Sam should feel lucky that we didn't find out together?"

"Yeah," I laugh.

"I'll be right back."

"Okay."

"And Donna _does_ love _you_, Josh," she throws out as she leaves, leaving me with no witty retort.  "I know all," she adds, shouting from the bullpen.

*

Ten minutes later, while I'm still processing the all the little bombs shells Hannah just dropped on me, she comes back in and tells me that my plans to meet Donna in a couple of hours have been cancelled.  Instead, Donna will be embarking on a girls night out with herself and CJ.

Moments later Sam takes a tentative step into my office.

"How did the re-write go?" I ask as he slowly takes a seat.

"I wrote.  Toby muttered something, ripped it up and then kicked me out."

"Sam?" Hannah says in a quite voice.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry—for, you know…"

"Don't worry about it."

"Are we okay?"

"Like I said Hannah, don't worry about it.  It's ancient history, forgotten, completely—"

 "We get it, Sam."

"Just thought I'd make sure."

Hannah smiles.  After a moment, she asks, "So, Samuel, wanna fill us in on what happened exactly?"

TBC…

**Next** **on** **_Since_** **_Last_** **_May…_**

"Hannah, you weren't… you know, trying to set me up with the bartender, were you?"

"CJ, you're old enough to work out your own love life."

"Good.  Because, like you said, I'm a grown women, who doesn't need help in that department."

"Sure you don't," she mollifies, but almost immediately adds, "Although, you have to admit, he is cute."

"No, I really don't."  He's not cute.  Handsome, perhaps— tall, striking even, but not so much cute.

"He went to Yale.  He was a Wiffenpoof."  I raise an eyebrow.  "I heard that you wouldn't object to the idea of taking one of them home."

"Carol has a loud mouth," I mutter.

"Well, yeah she does, but Josh has an even bigger mouth."

"How the hell did Josh—never mind.  It's better if I don't know.  Speaking of Josh—"

"We actually weren't, but go for it."

"Josh and Donna."

"I like the way those names sound together, don't you?"

"What's up with them?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Yes," she nods, with a cat like grin that reminds me of Josh, dimples and all.  "Yes I do."

"Care to share?"

"It's really not my place."

"And yet that does not stop you from annoying Leo."

"Well, that's because I know he's not paying any attention and it's fun to see him react to the word 'amorous'."

"I promise I won't pay any attention either."

"Yeah, but the problem there is that I don't believe you."

"I'm shocked," I grin.  "Now dish the dirt."


End file.
